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The Fallen King: Chapter One, Pt 2

by MaybeAndrew


Chapter two, part one: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/MaybeAnd...

The Fallen King 

Liam hiked out of the forest, hearing strange whispers in the wind and the trees telling him, "He is coming." Liam thought about his father's death, caused by the menacing Darkness. Now, as the Keeper of the light, he must bring light to his father's tomb to keep his soul at rest.

***

 Liam sighed and switched the torch from his right to left hand. Carrying a torch for three miles was no easy task, and he wasn’t making it any easier by staring out at the valley. He was atop the hill opposite the lighthouse, where trees had been cleared and buildings raised. The winter sun shone down upon the tombs and surrounding forest. Liam had hiked down from the lighthouse with a torch of Astrum in hand, clambered through the forest, and then back out onto the tall hill where the graveyard stood.

Liam turned away from the view and looked to the graveyard. It was made of neat rows of tombs. Each one was built out of large stone bricks that at one point had been bright gray but now were stained with moss, lichen, and ivy. Each tomb was three times as long as it was wide, with a stone-tiled roof. Liam walked up the white gravel path leading between the building, his boots cracking and popping against the small stones.

After Father had died, they had taken his body and placed it on the Funeral Stone in the center of the village. One of the two stones of Death created by the Old One. Hough, Keeper of the Water, washed the body with the sacred water, and then wrapped it in silk. From there, Sitric, Keeper of the Walls, had placed a silver band on its head. The funeral ceremony was one of the few rituals which required all three Keepers, so Liam himself, the recently bequeathed Keeper of the Light, had finished the Ceremony. After they had surrounded the body with bundles of wood, he lit the pyre with the torch of Astrum.

Liam arrived at the center of the graveyard. The field of the Offerings. A flat meadow with knee-high grass at the highest point on the hill. In the summer, it was filled with countless white wildflowers. But now, it was yellow grass sparkling with dew. Sticking out of the grass was line upon line of small headstones made out of white granite that glistened in the sunlight.

On each was carved the name of an Offering. Four stones ago stood the one with the only name that gave him pause. ‘Arwen, Daughter of Rohiesa and Thomas, Keepers of the Light.’ Liam stared at it for a moment. Of course, no body was actually buried under the Offerings’ graves. The Offerings were taken by The Beast, leaving no trace. The stones were merely a memorial.

He passed by and soon arrived at his family’s tomb, a dark stone building with moss growing between the stones and tracing their outlines. Like all the tombs, the small door faced the sunrise and was made of rusted iron. His eyes were drawn to the words inscribed on its arch. They were written in a flowing long forgotten tongue that tradition required to be placed above the door of any tomb.

He knew there must be some subtle difference between those words and the King’s Speech. The King’s Speech was the language his father had taught him, the language his oaths were taken in, and older than the common tongue. Though King’s Speech used a similar script to that on the arch, those words felt different. He traced his fingers along the script as if they might speak to him through the stone. The words had been passed down from the Starling, but as far as he was aware, the meaning had been lost.

Liam unlocked the door and pulled it open with a heavy creak. His father’s last words had been cryptic, and though he didn’t understand them, he somehow knew they had been in that same language. They had crackled with power and smelled of the mountains and rivers. They had felt older than even the King’s Speech.

Inside, the tomb was cold and tight, either wall lined with shelves. Set on these shelves were rows of rusted green copper urns. Inscribed on the bottom of each decorated pot was a name. Liam’s eye was drawn to his fathers, far to the left. It was new enough it still shone bronze. Father’s ashes were kept beside mother’s, and hers beside grandmother’s, and grandmother’s besides great grandfather’s, and all the way back until they faded from memory.

Maybe at one point, Grandpa would have been able to tell him what those words had meant. He had always seemed knowledgeable in strange things. But Grandpa, though by some miracle alive, had not said two sensical words together since Arwen went up as Offering.

Liam turned away from the pots to the stone pedestal in the center of the room. It was made of the same granite as the Offerings headstones, with a bowl carved out of its top. Its sides were lined with carvings of spirals, reminiscent of the two stones of the Old One. Always in sets of three, always flowing together.

After the Authority Ceremony, Father had lost the little energy he’d had left. But delirious in his last struggle with death, Father had grabbed Liam and muttered three strange words. He had made Liam promise him that when the Light went out, Liam would say those words. Three words that had smelled of the rivers and the mountains and crackled with power. Father could not be calmed until Liam had agreed. Once he had sworn it, Father fell back onto his bed and let out a sigh. The struggle was over. Whatever he was fighting with, he had given in.

Liam had wanted to yell. He had wanted to grab him and shake him and demand that Father explain himself. Why those words? What did they mean? Why, though he didn’t understand them, they didn’t sound foreign either?

Liam had wanted to ask him if he could leave this village behind forever, or if he had to be a Keeper, or why he had been out in the woods that day. But he hadn’t. He had just sat there and listened as his Father let out his last breath.

Liam took a small flask of lantern oil off his belt and poured it into the pedestal’s stone bowl. With the torch he’d carried from the lighthouse, he lit the oil. The blue flames quickly swept around the bowl. It wrapped around the stone like an angry snake and leapt to life. But the blue color was not the only strange thing about the fire of Astrum. The flame would burn impossibly long for the amount of fuel allotted to it. As long as it stayed blue, it could burn forever, not giving off smoke or using the fuel it was reporting to burn. An eternal flame.

But the Darkness always got into it, so, over the course of weeks, it would become redder and redder and then transform back into normal fire. Unless the Keeper of the Light spoke to the flame or brought it back to its source, it would eventually lose its exceptional light and ability to ward off the Darkness.

As part of the Death Ceremony, the Keeper of the Light must come every day at dawn and light the bowl in the crypt. But then, every night, the Darkness would put it out, and in the morning, the Keeper would come once more. This gentle battle would go on for a full moon cycle until, after thirty days, the sun would rise, and the flame would still be there. The soul of the dead would then finally be safe from its Corruption.

Tomorrow, the light would still be burning, and he would not have to return to the crypt.

Liam watched the fire crackle. He waved his hands through the flames to warm them. Letting the fire lick his fingers just long enough that it didn't burn him. He knew these blue flames well. They had been his family's ally and responsibility for generations.

One month had passed since his fathers death, and he was still no closer to understanding his last words. Those words still echoed in his mind and made him feel a strange sense of foreboding.

"Legus Thu Hume," Liam whispered to himself. As he finished the last syllable, the flame leapt up and roared like a great wind had breathed into its depths. It roared like a lion and shined like the summer sun. The flame's heat and light filled the room, singeing Liam's arm hairs and making his eyes burn. Liam stumbled backward and caught himself on one of the shelves, making the urns clink against each other. But as quickly as it had burst alive, the fire fell back to its place in the bowl.

He took a deep breath and swallowed. "Well, that didn't exactly clear anything up," he said to the empty room.

*

Questions:

1. Does this feel like a good follow-up to the prologue? (if you've read it)

2. How do you feel about Liam's state of mind? Pity? Anger? Agreement? Maybe even confusion?

3. Do you think it might have been better to start farther back, like at his dad's funeral, or do you feel this chapter does everything it needs to?


Is this a review?


  

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Sat Jun 10, 2023 8:33 pm
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SkyVibes wrote a review...



Heya! Mercedes Blue here to read and review!
It seems already like such a good while has passed since I last read this series but I haven't forgotten about it so let's get started!

However, unfortunately, I don't have the time to make a long review so this will be quick.

I like how this chapter explains a little more of what Liam's job is and how he is kinda really struggling with his father's death and how there are even more questions than answers. It seems like he has no one to turn to, whether that be because he doesn't trust anyone or literally doesn't have anyone.

1. I do think this is a good follow up but I would suggest maybe including more of Liam's actual thoughts during the process to break up the description a little. Now, your descriptions are not super long or anything and are actually very well written but I was kinda hoping for some more of Liam's thoughts....

2. I think there's a little of all except for pity. I think he is mad because it's not fair to him that he has pretty much no one left family-wise and has to pick up the pieces; anger because he just wants answers but those answers died before they could be spoken; agreement for understanding that this is his life now and he's not fighting it, but also making a promise to his dying father; and there is definitely confusion because of what his father made him promise.

3. Hm. That's a tough one. Unless there is a little more to his father's funeral the further the story goes (like memories here and there) I would think everything is fine because it would show that Liam really misses his dad to where he keeps thinking of him, but if not I would maybe like a chapter about the funeral to see how Liam acted and thought during the whole process. But if neither of these happen, will you make a background story of Liam???

Thank you so much for sharing your book! I can't wait to read the next chapter the next I have the time to!

Have a wonderful day\night!
-Mercedes Blue




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Mon May 02, 2022 10:01 pm
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waywardxwanderer wrote a review...



He was atop the hill opposite the lighthouse,


Here, I think you could replace "was" with "stood", which would make the sentence stronger.

After Father had died, they had taken his body and placed it on the Funeral Stone in the center of the village. One of the two stones of Death created by the Old One.


The second sentence is sort of a misplaced modifier - it's meant to be talking about the Funeral Stone, but where it is, it seems to modify "center of the village" and make the idea a bit awkward. You could rearrange Funeral Stone and center of the village ("in the center of the village on the Funeral Stone" or add the second sentence as an adjective clause in the first sentence.

Liam arrived at the center of the graveyard. The field of the Offerings. A flat meadow with knee-high grass at the highest point on the hill.


These three sentences/fragments feel sort of awkward together here. You could replace the second period with a comma, and possibly replaced the first period with "which was".

In the summer, it was filled with countless white wildflowers. But now, it was yellow grass sparkling with dew.


This is a lovely portion here! However, if you wanted to get across the idea of the field being sad and plain as compared to how it is in the summer, you could say "it was just yellow grass drenched with dew". This seems to communicate the depressingness of its current state more acutely.

They were written in a flowing long forgotten tongue


Here, you could say "flowing, long-forgotten tongue".

Whatever he was fighting with, he had given in.


This is a powerful sentence, BUT it's a bit confusing, because in the first part of the chapter you'd said that his father had never given in.

But delirious in his last struggle with death


Here, you don't need the word "But" because it doesn't conflict with what the last sentence was saying.

Additionally, you don't have much variety in your sentence structure. There are a lot of simple sentences, which work well for action scenes and scenes which require bluntness, but mixing in different sentence types helps the writing to flow a lot better in quieter, more reflective scenes such as this.

Anyway, sorry for all my nitpicking! Now onto the good stuff:

They had crackled with power and smelled of the mountains and rivers.


This sentence particularly stuck out to me because it's so electric, quaint because of the smell of nature and yet pulsing with energy - this is a very cool sentence.

This chapter was overall fantastic, same as the last - you're great at weaving in worldbuilding, and the casual mentions of the Old One, the Starling, things like that, serve to add mystery to the world you're creating and make the reader want to find out more. Again, your ability to show a character through the limited perspective is incredible!

Keep writing,
Wayward(:




MaybeAndrew says...


Thank you again! I agree that this chapter has boring sentence structure. I'll be sure to edit that!



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Thu Feb 03, 2022 5:21 pm
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looseleaf wrote a review...



Hey MaybeAndrew! I'm back with another review. This is a review on both part one and part two (but mostly part two).

I liked this part! It was really detailed and introduced a lot of information pertaining to the story. You did a good job introducing all this information without it seeming like info-dumping, so good job with that!

There are a few grammatical mistakes, so here we go:

Arwen had frequently reminded him that. “Remember that the trees are strong,” She would say,


This is in Part One, but I feel like anything past "that." should be a separate line and not part of that whole paragraph.

‘Arwen, Daughter of Rohiesa and Thomas, Keepers of the Light.’


Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't know why you use ' instead of " in this phrase. Is it because it's engraved/written on something or..? If I'm in the wrong, please correct me.

..and all the way back until it faded from memory.


I think it would make more sense if you used "they" in this situation because you're referring to people fading from memory.

I have one more issue that isn't really grammatical, but it still breaks up the flow of the work. You skip around time frames a lot. You have a lot of "one month later." "four days later," etc. I understand you need to do the time jumps to make the work make sense, but it breaks up the work. They aren't the smoothest transitions into a different time. Maybe something like "Liam couldn't help but recall one month prior when his father was in his final days." It's longer and not as abrupt as "one month before."

Anyways, that's all the corrections I have. Plot-wise I really, really liked this chapter. It was fascinating to me. I can definitely see the religious undertones you were talking about when replying to my review last time.

I have one question: I was led to believe (in the beginning) that he was lighting an eternal flame for the whole cemetery, but then he just lit one in his family's crypt. Was that what he was going to do the whole time? I may have totally read it wrong, but that's what I thought he was going to do in the beginning.

I love the battle between darkness and people in this story. Like, how his father succumbed to corruption and darkness is great. It feels mysterious (and it is!) but I can't help but wonder if there's an actual thing/monster/something that is fueling this darkness and corruption. Maybe something hiding in the woods along the Beast? Hopefully this makes sense.

Also, I like Liam as a character. You don't really explore his interests in this chapter, but I can already tell he's a complex person. He's been burdened with what his father wants to do (not what he wants to do, as we learned last time) and he's understandably upset about it. Yet, he has to complete his father's work because the whole town's relying on him! It creates this conflict within the character and I think you've managed to write that really well.

Anyways, that's all for me today. I hope you have an amazing day and keep on writing!




MaybeAndrew says...


Thank you so much for the review! I agree that the one-month later bits are a bit clunky and I'll edit them.
I'm glad you like Liam, his conflict with tradition, and wanting to break free is one of the most interesting things to write for me... and one of the hardest XD.



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Wed Jan 19, 2022 8:17 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi MaybeAndrew,

Mailice back with a short review! :D

If you call the first part of the first chapter more "spiritual" and this part now more "reality-based", I think I have already expressed well what the difference is between the two parts.

In doing so, of course, the writing hasn't become less or worse, but you notice that while Liam continues to be in a kind of hole where all he sees is darkness, in this one it seems more like he's consciously trying to face what he's been grieving so much about.

You continue to keep a good upper hand on the storytelling here, it actually transitions seamlessly from one point to the next, and especially notice here from one section to the next, this shift you create to distinguish the spirituality and reality. Something I liked a lot in the chapter.

Liam still remains somewhat closed to me. Certainly the death of his father is still a big motive for his life at the moment, but nevertheless I wonder when the point will come where you will present us with something "new" about him. So far it feels like you are connecting everything with death and that could lead to a problem later on where you have built up too much this central point and now want to start a new point, but this "unity" is not there yet. It's like a scale where on the left side is the death of the father, and if you now want to slowly move on to the next point, you now have to build it up so that the scale is at least the same, or even heavier with weights, so that the old point is "worked off". Because at the moment I'm afraid that this is just the beginning of the story (of course we're in chapter 1) but that you're already creating such a high mountain that Liam can't conquer.

I am not writing that Liam is somehow bad, but his only motive leads me to conclude that he is grieving, or somehow also has hatred, as I hinted at in the last part, but also somehow of obsession. I don't think it's related to the writing style, but more also how Liam is currently presented. Of course, all this can still be resolved, but my first impression is already very curious how Liam will still stand out as a character.

To other points I noticed while reading:

Hough, Keeper of the water, washed the body with water from Lastrios, then wrapped it in silk. From there, Sitric, Keeper of the walls, had placed a silver band on its head.


I would write "water" and "walls" with a capital letter here, as you also did that for Liam and his title, like here for example:

The funeral ceremony was one of the few rituals which required all three Keepers, so Liam himself, the recently bequeathed Keeper of the Light, had finished the Ceremony.


After the Authority Ceremony, father had lost the little energy he’d had left. But delirious in his last struggle with death, father had grabbed Liam and muttered three strange words. He had made Liam promise him that when the Lights went out, Liam would say those words. Three words that had smelled of the rivers and the mountains and crackled with power. Father could not be calmed until Liam had agreed. Once he had sworn it, father fell back onto his bed and let out a sigh. The struggle was over. Whatever he was fighting with, he had given in.

This section is strangely in there twice, with this second one being a bit longer here. There is probably another word hidden in it that is not in the first section.

In summary, a great first chapter. From the descriptions, a really good chapter, from the character, I'm not so sure where we're going yet. But I remain curious.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




MaybeAndrew says...


Thanks so much for the review! I too am worried about starting with such a big problem as the death, and I hope to both defuse that and turn it to face the main momentum of the plot in the coming chapters. These first couple chapters are pretty backward-facing, because that death and the things Liams feeling here becomes really important at the climax, and is (hopefully) all resolved there, along with a lot of other things. But I do need to avoid possibly making it so we already have too much of a problem on chapter one.




There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.
— J.K. Rowling