Stranger than Reality (Hesitant title)

Ariel! No one has read this? Wow, I call first dibs!

Well, honestly, I haven't read them. I tried to read the first one. I don't remember finishing it, though...maybe I did. XD Whatevers.

Ooh, footnotes! You already impress me, doing the same as the books!

Flashes of light shot through the very essence of infinity; our essences.

Instead of the semi, use double dashes. (--) ...essence of infinity--our essences.

We were condemned to torturous pain if we tried to resist, then ripped violently through the now muted, sluggish colors and the faded, weak lights until we came to stop in the gray, cloudy, dull world. [double dashes instead ^^] The world that you ignorant beings called Home.

Compared to the Other Place, your so-called ‘Earth’ was a flea next to a dog.

And what thanks did we get of that, I ask you.

I think it should end with a question mark.

After that, things just got confusing until the very end when things finally cleared up.

As the Other Place faded completely and the dim outline of a dark room began to come into focus, I assumed the shape of my favorite guise; a young Egyptian boy with dark, ageless eyes and tanned skin.

Replace semi with a colon.

“You, trust me?

This may be read better as: "You? Trust me?"

“Interesting,” Jesse mused, but didn’t appear to be about to give anything else away.

Written awkwardly. "Interesting," Jesse mused, not seeming to be giving anything else away anytime soon. Maybe? [not your name, the actual word ] You probably know a better way to reword. You definitely prove that with your writing.

“This master, he was young also, no?”

"This master--he was young also, no?"

“Older than you,” I spat. I didn’t like discussing old masters with current ones. It just bugged me.

I think the kid knew that, because the smug smile was still plastered onto his face and he continued to question me.

Join this into one paragraph.

Overall, this was amazing! I remember the book a lot more now, and I have the urge to read it again. Very good! You write so very well and you did marvelously with your characters. There's really nothing negative to say. The worst thing here are the minor punctuation changes above.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!