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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It seems very robotic and mechanical, like "this happens, then this happens, then this happens". In this model, you force the person reading to come up with the emotional half of the poem, as if the floor has dropped out beneath them.
Here, there is nothing really connecting the poem to the wider world, and I think it would be a lovely opportunity. It seems like things were glossed over, especially in the last two lines.
^Here, sometimes you're removed from the poem and sometimes you're right in it: you say "I am too weak", then "My eyes see" as if they're disembodied. I think that the first is more effective.
So, your first poem, eh? Well, it does need work. But you've done one of the most painful parts already; you've written it down and completed it. And you put it up for critique. Now take the skeleton and put some meat on its bones; it looks a bit cold. Good luck on your rewrite.
Woah...long...but pretty good for your first try. I liked the plot to this thought. Very good and sad
Awwww! lol It was pretty good though. It is though, probably, the longest poem I've read. It's unique. That's what I like about it.
Keep it up!
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay
My goodness is this long. It was good, but I think way to long. I agree with everyone else. But I still think this is way to long.
This was good. Two thumbs up! You did good. Great first work. Keep on going.
Live in Love.
-- M.B.Author
Like i said, first attempt. I didn't expect it to be perfect.
But thanks Claudette! I'll try and do some of that this weekend.
Hmmm It wasn't that bad for your first poem, but there were some major things that, once cleaned up, could make this a lot nicer.
I'm feeling rather lazy, so I shall make a list!
1. Length - This poem is way too long. I also don't like lengthy poems, but still! While reading this I ask myself, "What makes this a poem and not just a story with verse and line breaks?" and so the length mucks with that, and it appears as the latter. So, try to find what in this you can cut out. I'll point something else out which will give you room to cut things, but think for yourself - you might find a lot.
2. Telling - In certain areas of the poem, you hit emotions, but instead of expressing them and letting them be felt, you tell them. Here for example:
I am not dying.
I am not dead.
But you are.
Your sacrifice
Cost your life
Even when you were the darkness.
Telling! Why can you not show us? If you cut out all of the telling and instead found ways to show us, it would work so much nicer.
3. Subject - Honestly, I couldn't pick up a main idea or "plot" behind this. I think that it might have a religious theme, but I can't be sure. And the flow of it is awkward, I'm confused and I can't imagine what is going on. It was overwhelmingly confusing. This might just be me but you should read over the poem and figure out if it makes sense. What do you want to say? What do you want to express? How best can you say it?
Ultimately, I suggest you think on it, and rewrite it. Like I said for you first poem, it wasn't that bad! Wasn't the usual woe-is-me telling and emotionless babble so I am proud of you for that ^_~ You wrote your first and tried something new. You just need to figure out what direction to go in.
Oh, and one thing I forgot! When you rewrite be sure to punctuate more! Best of luck.
There are many spelling errors and the punctuation needs fixing but...I really do love this. The story that it tells is wonderful. This is dramatic but I think it would belong more so in narrative poetry because of the long and poetic way it told the story. Great job, I read it about four times. lol
Keep it up!
~Rieda