Young Writers Society

Thank you everyone for your feedback.

It seems that I have a few rhythm issues and yes, some of the rhyming words are a bit forced.
I do know that poetry doesn't have to rhyme but I feel it makes it a bit more interesting. I guess I will just have to practice a little more.

And it has to start with Wednesday afternoon because I wrote this when I lost a pet and it happened on Wednesday afternoon at five to four. That is why it is so specific.

Thanks again and I will improve it before I hand it in

Maya wrote:On Wednesday afternoon
At almost five to four
God did something awful
That should be against the law

[COLOR="red"]So far your imagery is rather lacking. On Wednesday afternoon? Who cares that it was Wednesday, if I called it Tuesday would that really make a difference? Try to set some kind of scene at least.
Also, you have too much sibilance in that last line, brush up on your Meter and Stress, they're two tools every poet should have an education in.[/COLOR]

He reached down from the heavens
And took something of mine
When everyone knows
That stealing's a crime

[COLOR="red"]Yeah, just as I thought, this rhyme scheme is far too amateur and forced to allow for a decent poem. You do know that poems don't have to rhyme, right? I always recommend that beginning poets start with Free Verse and work their way up to Rhyming. Rhyme Poetry is actually an advanced skill that you can't hope to possess a mastery in unless you've commanded Free Verse.[/COLOR]

God made it one of his rules
He said not to steal
Yet he does what he likes
And doesn't care how we feel

[COLOR="red"]Again, too much sibilance. The flow is really off-kilter in this piece, and I think that's your main flaw, besides a cliche idea. Read this poem as if you were seeing it for the first time, because I'm sure it sounds fine to your ears. Read each word carefully, aloud, don't add any emphasis, and see if it sounds clunky. I'm positive that you're cutting on the proper pronunciation in your head, and that it sounds just fine like that.[/COLOR]

If God knew how it hurt
To lose someone you love
Do you think he'd take pity on us
And send them down from above?

[COLOR="red"]From is clunky, takes away from the flow. Plus, this idea is pretty trite and cliche. A person blaming 'god' for the death of their loved ones.[/COLOR]

In my head I know
That death's a part of life
But I still can't help myself feeling
This heart wrenching strife

[COLOR="red"]Same as before. Your rhyme scheme is too forced, and the flow is way off. Plus, cliche idea.[/COLOR]

I want my friend back
I'm sick of this pain
But when my time comes
I know I'll see him again

[COLOR="red"]Did you try and rhyme pain and again? I realize that they work as proposed rhymes, but I figure you're going for a slant-rhyme look. It doesn't really work for this piece.[/COLOR]

Would love to hear feedback as I am submitting this as part of a school project next week. I'd like to improve it if I can before I hand it over

The poem has a sort of upbeat feel to it, maybe because of the rhyming pattern and the rhythm it has, or the "should be against the law" I don't know, that seems as though it is leading into a jokey poem to me, however as it continues it feels more serious, you bring the mood back to being sombre later in the poem, which is good and well done. I like how you are questioning God, showing that he may have human feelings too, although I'm not a believer myself, I can still appreciate this.

I would consider changing “When everyone knows” to “when everybody knows” I feel this would help the line, and indeed stanza flow in terms of rhythm.

I definitely like this poem better towards the end, but it is a good read.

Thank you for the pleasure of reading this, it is an enjoyable and thought provoking poem.

~ Roon

Hi Maya!1 I thought this poem was so sweet.

On Wednesday afternoon
At almost five to four
God did something awful
That should be against the law

He reached down from the heavens
And took something of mine
When everyone knows
That stealing's a crime

In my head I know
That death's a part of life
But I still can't help myself feeling
This heart wrenching strife

Hey, Maya! I remember greeting you in the Welcome thread, eh?

Okay, so what I'm going to do is focus on the rhythm and rhyming of this poem, rather than the imagery, because it's really difficult to create breathtaking scenery in a rhyming poem like this.

On Wednesday afternoon

At almost five to four

God did something awful

That should be against the law

He reached down from the heavens

And took something of mine

When everyone knows

That stealing's a crime

God made it one of his rules

He said not to steal

Yet he does what he likes

And doesn't care how we feel

When God made his rules
He said not to steal
Yet he does what he wants
And doesn't care how we feel

If God knew how it hurt

To lose someone you love

Do you think he'd take pity on us

And send them down from above?

In my head I know

That death's a part of life

But I still can't help myself feeling

This heart wrenching strife

In my head I know
That death is life
But I can't stop feeling
This heart wrenching strife

I want my friend back

I'm sick of this pain

But when my time comes

I know I'll see him again