On Wednesday afternoon
At almost five to four
God did something awful
That should be against the law
He reached down from the heavens
And took something of mine
When everyone knows
That stealing's a crime
God made it one of his rules
He said not to steal
Yet he does what he likes
And doesn't care how we feel
If God knew how it hurt
To lose someone you love
Do you think he'd take pity on us
And send them down from above?
In my head I know
That death's a part of life
But I still can't help myself feeling
This heart wrenching strife
I want my friend back
I'm sick of this pain
But when my time comes
I know I'll see him again
Would love to hear feedback as I am submitting this as part of a school project next week. I'd like to improve it if I can before I hand it over 
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Thank you everyone for your feedback.
It seems that I have a few rhythm issues and yes, some of the rhyming words are a bit forced.
I do know that poetry doesn't have to rhyme but I feel it makes it a bit more interesting. I guess I will just have to practice a little more.
And it has to start with Wednesday afternoon because I wrote this when I lost a pet and it happened on Wednesday afternoon at five to four. That is why it is so specific.
Thanks again and I will improve it before I hand it in
Okay, darling. I'm going to be honest, and please don't take this the wrong way:
For a school assignment, this is fine. You'll get an A because the teacher will see that you attempted poetry. However, that does not mean that this is a good poem. Let me break down the flaws:
Your idea/theme was cliche, and highly unoriginal. I've seen it before.
Your imagery/metaphor was non-existent. Seriously, I didn't see one image in that poem, and rarely can a poem be half-way decent without imagery.
Your Rhyme Scheme takes away from the poem, it forced you to conform to an overly strict and limited vocabulary. Plus, the rhyme scheme wasn't original.
Your Prosody broke the flow a lot. Considering most teachers don't profess the necessity of studying metrical footing or syllabic stressing, I'll link you to the wikipedia page that will help you learn all about it. Using these will at least show that you have some knowledge of poetry.
Here's the link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry#Prosody
Good luck.
The poem has a sort of upbeat feel to it, maybe because of the rhyming pattern and the rhythm it has, or the "should be against the law" I don't know, that seems as though it is leading into a jokey poem to me, however as it continues it feels more serious, you bring the mood back to being sombre later in the poem, which is good and well done. I like how you are questioning God, showing that he may have human feelings too, although I'm not a believer myself, I can still appreciate this.
I would consider changing “When everyone knows” to “when everybody knows” I feel this would help the line, and indeed stanza flow in terms of rhythm.
I definitely like this poem better towards the end, but it is a good read.
Thank you for the pleasure of reading this, it is an enjoyable and thought provoking poem.
~ Roon
Hi Maya!1 I thought this poem was so sweet.
• Your rhyme scheme here really messes up the rest of the poem as the rest of the stanzas follow the abcb format. I would suggest definitely changing it so it fits with the rest of the poem. Otherwise, I think that this stanza introduces the poem's topic well.
• I think that you should turn the contraption "stealing's" into "stealing is" because it makes the line fit better into the rest of the stanza's iambic pentameter. (The long syllable followed by a shorter syllable in a rhythm pattern.)
• The last line contains a horribly forced rhyme. To keep it from sounding so blunt, you could add another syllable to the last line.
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This poem will definitely touch the hearts of the judges in the contest you're entering. The rhyme scheme is overall (minus the first stanza, I trust you'll fix it) is very consistent.
I like the stanza about how God made stealing a crime, but it seems to stress that too much after mentioning stealing being against the law in the stanza before. Try not to make the repetition of concepts too obvious.
Besides that, I think this poem is great. Good luck!
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
Hey, Maya! I remember greeting you in the Welcome thread, eh?
Okay, so what I'm going to do is focus on the rhythm and rhyming of this poem, rather than the imagery, because it's really difficult to create breathtaking scenery in a rhyming poem like this.
I like the intriguing way you start off – it makes me want to read more. The God thing comes a bit out of the blue, but it's sort of clever how you've built it like God is just like any other creature who sometimes does the wrong thing. The contradiction is great, too, because God is usually considered not only almighty, but also good, so claiming he's done something bad makes it a lot more interesting. It's a good way to bring up one's way of looking at things.
However, the last line has one syllable too much and therefore it breaks the rhythm. If you can't make it rhyme without having it too long, I suggest you change the time from "five to four" to something else that rhymes with whatever you come up with for the last line.
I was debating with myself whether you should have "everybody" instead of "everyone", but the more I read the part with the "everyone" in it, the better it started to flow. Overall, I like this stanza – the delicious contrast of the previous stanza is still present.
This stanza was more in the awkward side. The first line is too long regarding the rhythm, and it's also difficult to read. The rest of the stanza is fine, but the first line just affects so much to it, it basically ruins it all. So what I think you could try for this stanza is:
I changed the "likes" to "wants" just because I believe it's stronger and fits better in the "God is the antagonist" mood the poem creates. The last line is actually a bit too lengthy, too. I don't know how you could make it flowier, but I hope you come up with a solution that satisfies both readers and yourself.
Awkward again. What you have on the last two lines... well, I can't imagine someone actually saying that, not to mention it kills the rhythm again. Both lines need at least three syllables less altogether, otherwise it's way too mushy.
The first line is now actually too short, and the third line too long. I really like that "death's a part of life" thing, by the way, but are you sure "strife" is the right word for this situation? It sounds a bit odd.
Considering the rhythm, I have a suggestion for rewriting:
It's a little lame, I admit, but it flows better and has a clearer rhythm. Keep it in mind when editing, at least
All good until the last line, which is again too long. I'm sure you've noticed everything I've said so far, if you have read the poem out loud. If you haven't, do so now, and especially when you edit and before you submit it again. With poetry, you need to have your mouth and your voice along. Because no matter how good something might look on paper, you can really tell whether it's good only after you or someone else has read it out loud. This is something I always get too enthusiastic about when reviewing, and the poor authors won't usually get away from me without hearing at least a few words about the importance of using your voice in poetry.
Now one more major thing about this poem. It doesn't have any punctuation whatsoever, and I don't think it's an intentional effect, either. To help you, I've found something for you. It's an article about punctuation in poetry about Suzanne, and based on the thoughts I've got from it, it's very helpful and informative. You should check it out:
viewarticlebody.php?t=18791
Of the poem overall, I don't have much more to say. The rhymes worked fine and your grammar is very good. I hope I could be helpful to you, and please PM me if you have something to ask or if you feel like you didn't understand something I said. To be honest, I wouldn't be so surprised, since I tend to ramble a lot. =)
See you around!
Demeter
xxx