Have you ever felt running around in circles, where you would literally just go round and round and you will be back again to a complete reversal of the same position? That moment when you would want to already stop, but the force just keeps pulling you forward -- and you suddenly become afraid to admit it but you know you have no choice so you just let that force keep you whirling in circles, until you eventually fall out of balance.
I despise full circles; being in a full circle is like being played around, because you gradually go through the same cycle again and again. You would think one would just get used to it, but to me, as each cycle passes by, I get weaker every single time. That is why it scares me, that is why full circles terrify me.
Nonchalantly, I began to realize that my days have legitimately become the “full circles” I am afraid of; and now I am like a prisoner to it. This goes out to those nights where I would sleep at around 4 am because of the pain I feel inside, the worry that you might not be okay, and that pinch of hysterical feeling that you might one day, be in love with someone else. I would get up and look out my window, and simply just try to distract my thoughts by trying to adore the beautiful city lights outside, then for a split second I would feel complete -- but then you would immediately come running back up on my mind again. And then the worry and the hysterical feeling is back, and I would feel pain stabbing my chest once more. And when I could not handle the emotions anymore, the tears would suddenly come... those tears that are hilariously for someone who does not even know my name. Then I would absentmindedly check my clock and realize it is time that I should at least try to sleep. I would shut my eyes and try to let the darkness in my eyes consume me, but then your face just pops in my mind and my eyes open again.
The next thing I would hear is my alarm clock blowing up, telling me I should finally get up and get on with this new day. I would realize I have had only an hour of sleep, then you are back running through my mind again. Every morning when the sun would peek into my window, I would go through the struggle of having to face the fact that I have to deal and survive this day by pretending like I am okay and I am happy, like I never felt my heart crying the night before, like I never had those doubts and worries an hour ago, like I do not even care at all about anything, like I do not care about you -- like you do not mean anything to me. When in reality, you mean everything to me.
I would think of you on the train to school. I would think of you as I walk through the hallway to class. I would think of you in between lectures. I would think of you as I face the vacant seat in front of me during lunch, wishing you were here with me. I would think of you as I face my laptop screen at work after my classes. I would think of you as I cross the street out of the university. I would think of you on the train back home.
Then the night comes again, and I would think of you as I stare blankly at my ceiling as I lie in bed. And then the same thing happens as the evening before, and everything is on full circle.