The Wind and the Falcon Grey
At the right moment
In time,
When the wind blows
In air,
Listen closely
For the wind
Has been known
To tell tales.
I sat there
Once
On a summers day.
And I listened,
For a minute.
I heard the wind say:
As I
Am blowing
Softly now
Like I did
On this say
200 years before.
Listen closely
Hear my tale.
The tale of the Falcon Grey.
The Falcon Grey,
A pirate ship,
With a crew of fifty,
And a captain too.
Would sale the oceans
Of the world
But only if they knew…
“Aye, the wind looks fine today!”
A young sailor would cry.
As if a jinx,
I would howl
And tear the Falcon Grey.
“Abandon ship!”
The captain would shout.
But all was in vain.
I made the waves,
Bigger, stronger,
The crew would die,
Of the Falcon Grey.
Except for one,
The sailor boy,
The second-hand,
Torn down lad.
He would survive,
My unwavering wrath.
He wouldn’t perish,
Along with the rest,
He’d swim to a sandy shore,
He’d shout
A curse
To the sky.
“Hear me wind!
Listen closely!
For only once I shall say.
I will avenge
The death
Of my friends.
Someday
You will pay!”
They say
He haunts
The hallowed halls
Still cursing
The fate
Of his friends.
My tale
has ended,
But he
Still lurks.
He haunts
The hallowed halls.
The wind told me its tale.
With many a sigh,
As it timidly tore
Through the trees.
As I sat that morning
Listening to
The summer breeze.
At the right moment
In time,
When the wind blows
In air,
Listen closely
For the wind
Has been known
To tell tales.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with perdido - definitely needs some reworking - but I like the content matter. I definitely think it makes a chilling story, and I think it would have bigger impact were it shorter. I think that making SOME of the lines longer would be good, too. Kind of like a balance. Also, avoid overdoing the repetition - good to use for effect, but throwing it in at random places is kind of annoying for the reader and not useful for the main message you want to get across. Remember, at the end of the day, people may not remember the words of your poem (esp if it's really long), but you want them to hang around long enough to read the end so that they can remember how the poem made them FEEL. Somehow, I think wih poetry, feeling matters more than ideas (although is useless without it), so to do that, definitely make it less of an eyeful vertically down. Some people do it horizontally, some vertically, and in both cases, it makes me feel overwhelmed. You don't want that feeling
!
Your language was simply not enough to hold my attention for that long. This poem is too long. Condensation is your ally, here, there is a lot that is unnecessary.
Another problem is that there are too many commas. You do not need them at the end of lines like that... a line break signifies a break and usually that is enough. Also, there is too much enjambment. When you break up the lines so they are so short it really interrupts the flow and it is not pleasant to read.
Revision. I wanna see it.
Thanks for the review guys!
Kay here!
Okay, for starters, I love this poem. It has a sort of suspenseful feeling in the middle, but then at the end you go back to the person sitting in the tree with the calm breeze. I like that, it leaves the reader with a happy feeling when they end the poem.
My two favorite stanzas were:
I really like the way you put this, I could actually see the sailor shouting this, swearing to avenge his friends.
I like the alliteration in this, it really adds to the feel of the poem.
Okay, now that I have finished praising.
Best of luck in your writing,
Kay
wow this is sooo good. It almost gave me chills.
I really love the imagery this whole poem creates, and the language you use is so stimulating, my favorite verse was
“Aye, the wind looks fine today!”
A young sailor would cry.
As if a jinx,
I would howl
And tear the Falcon Grey.
It had a really good story component to it, and i just really loved it
great work!