Young Writers Society

Hi there its Rituparna for a review,
Now your poem is earnestly written with a deep tinge of romance, rather attraction that I will call it. It's good as youbportray the willingness and the desperate extremes. Overall it suits its topic and purpose well.
Now coming to the part of criticism, your poem has used a little too much of paradox. It features that you can wait for the lady, but i don't really get who she is. Is she working in a bank, or is she your boss or who ever. There are some open endings but not the type that provokes curiosity but the ones that lead to confusion. For example in this line ''To taste my vomit'' - why and how so..... How does this even connect. Again another point regarding the same line - it stands a little gruesome and dirty in a poem featured so cute and appealing. The sense is quite unclear. I would love if you would explain its use to me perhaps then I would understand better.
Well no more pricks. Your poem was good enough to earn some appreciation. Keep writing and you will do better. Pardon me if I have been harsh but its all meant for well. I hope you will find this review helpful
Rituparna

HELLO THERE!

Forgive me if my review is going to be a little rusty since I haven't reviewed that much nowadays... yeah. This is my sad story.

First of all, I was intrigued by your title and of course, the fact that this is a parody of AliceAfternoon's poem. Now, I haven't logged on to YWS since... I don't know. So even if AliceAfternoon is my YWS friend here, I haven't read much of her latest poems. Thank you for introducing one of her new poems to me.

I wouldn't compare your poem and hers, however, as much as I believe in the statement that no writer is better than the other, I couldn't help but identify the differences between your poems. You both have unique writing styles, and I like that. Although, I noticed that there are a few things we need to fix with your poem.

I get the feeling that you're not much of an expert when it comes to punctuation. I know, me too. Maybe you're doing a kind of special writing technique with pure commas, commas, commas, then BOOM! period. But I just didn't get that technique. Or maybe you aren't, and you truly are not an expert in these kinds of things. Me too, but I have sort of improved in the punctuation business when somebody reviewed my work. Therefore, I am giving you advice that some people have told me on punctuation.

I don't know really how to explain this, but I feel that your punctuation should vary somehow. It's all just comma comma comma right now and only the end seems to have a period. Plus, for some people who won't stop even if it's the end of the line just because there's no punctuation mark, the first line going on to the second line seems to be a little bit confusing. Perhaps you can put a comma in the end of the first line? This all up to you.

Also, capitalization in every first letter of every line is something I can accept. But in this case, I felt that capitalization only whenever it is necessary (i.e., next to a full stop or period, or proper nouns) is more appropriate. It's up to you, but for me, capitalization in the first letter of every line is better when used on 'old poems' or poems that give off that arcane vibe.

On the whole poem itself, you have seem to grasp the concept of alcohol very well, and also the need, or the want, of things. Clearly, AliceAfternoon was an important piece to your realizations and whatnot. Of course, it is because this is a parody, after all. However you may not have seen the whole point of AliceAfternoon's poem. The beauty of her work is that every thought has the phrase "to hear" or "to feel" or "to smell" or "to see" or "to taste" so that the second to the last line of the poem can have these ideas altogether. Aaaaa I may be a little bit confusing. DON'T MIND ME XD but this is just something irritating. I felt that it might have been better if you did it like hers ('cause it is a parody) but with the thought of alcohol.

Sure, you may have done it similar to her work, but you have thrown away the idea of the To hear, To feel, To smell, To see, To taste thingy. If you did it with that idea, the ending, particularly the second to the last line, would have had much more impact.

In my opinion, parodies aren't really favored in the poetry community because people seem to think it lacks originality or you are very much limited. And that is the case, no matter how much I deny. However, I think that creating a parody of some piece requires talent, too. Yours truly has some fixing to do, but you have done things in another perspective, and I like that. I love seeing other viewpoints of things because it just shows that we writers have different minds.

Also AliceAfternoon's repetition with the once more was effective; why not try doing a repetition with the again instead of the I will wait? Just an opinion though.

OKAY THAT WAS ALL, THIS WAS SO LONG. I HAD TOO MUCH TIME.

AS ALWAYS (OMG I LOVE THIS PART, I MISS DOING THIS, FINALLY I CAN DO IT AGAIN),

HAPPY WRITING~!

i honestly don't understand the point of this.

i get that this is a parody, but it wasn't a solid one at all. it looks like your main approach of humor is talking about gross things. we're not all immature so it comes off as unfunny. no one uses the word frumpy. that was the first time i heard that word. that is not a good thing at all. there was a parody of hers a while back that didn't extract solely from one poem. that one should be a basis since pulling from one poem leaves you very limited, therefore this fell flat. i dont find the parts that should be funny funny and the way you formatted it was excruciating.

thanks.

Whilst not totally original, the idea of having alcohol be like a lover is still very fun to me. I am drawn to the focus on the real effects of alcohol, mainly because it contrasts with the whimsical nature of the relationship. The beginning being very fond and loving also emphasises the destructive nature of the habit too, as by the end any reader could agree that tasting vomit is certainly not what we look for in love.

One suggestion (in my opinion) could be to mention other losses due to alcohol. Perhaps mention family drifting away, or friends leaving. However, as a short parody poem, this is certainly decent.

Keep writing, you've got something good here. Retain your focus on reality, and keep contrasting it with fantasy whenever you feel it works. It is a joy to read.