Published May 1, 2007
Why Do You Have To…
Treat Me This Way So
You Make My Heart and Soul
Leap, Dive and Sink
When You Walk By Me…
Our Eyes Connect In Such A Way That
Leads To Love At First Sight…Forever Bound In Memory
Not Talking Lust… But Something So Much More
So
Don’t Get Me Wrong
We Had Only Begun To Have Met…Yet
On The Day Of My Birth…
You Took My Breath Away
“Too Many Sharks In The Open Sea, Makes Me Kinda Anxious”
So Said You On The Night That We Conversed
Tell Me All You Bear And Lean Your Head Upon Me
For As Long As My Weakening Eyes Can See…
Your Heavens Light In My Dim Lighten Eyes
It No Surprise Your One Hell Of A Woman
Don’t Mean Disrespect But You Deserve Better
You Fishing Net Caught The Wrong Kind Of Feller
I Laugh, Sing, Cry, Think When I Think Of You
Run Out Of Words That Rhyme With Words
Admire Your Inner Beauty As Well As Your Curves…
Your Wants Supply Your Needs At Meager Speeds
Whoever Is To Trample Your Heart Is A Sure Petty Thief
For A True Gentleman Would Nurture Such A Vessel As Yourself
To Take Time Out Of The Day For You Is Such A Prideful Pleasure
Your Hair Smells Of Sunflowers, Roses and Heather…
Your Voice As Soft As Golden Silk Feathers
Writing Letters Is Not My Thing
But To Continue On Like This Is A Winning Game
Don’t Make The Wrong Decisions Too Quick
Take Time…For Its Here To Use
My Mind Travels To Space And Beyond
I Shudder To Think Of The Possibilities Of A Girl Like You To Say Yes
To Such A Withheld Younger Man Like Myself
Whom You Only Know So Much About
We Must Put Two And Two Together And Begin
The Journey Of Two Hearts Apart
Fused Together By Undying Passionate Emotion Immortally Bonded
Such Soothing Philosophies Seem Highly Unlikely
Yet I Take The Dive Off The Canyon Deep Into Your Hearts Inner Core To Explore
Analyzing The Fallout Of Our Friendship, And The Beginning Of More
Hoping To Finally Reveal My Trueness To You… Now I Wait Silently
Sitting In The Chair Wondering What Have I Done…
However No Regrets Of What’s To Come Either Yes Or No Will Do
And Hope To Still Be Tight
So Until Then I Say Farewell And Excuse Me For Being To Direct And Blunt
Destiny Can Only Tell Of The Fortunes Of Past And Present
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Some of this was definitely better than other parts, such as the lines that went: Yet I Take The Dive Off The Canyon Deep Into Your Hearts Inner Core To Explore
Analyzing The Fallout Of Our Friendship, And The Beginning Of More. Some of this was indeed typical/unoriginal, but at the same time it was totally original because it was YOUR emotions...poems like these can't be judged based on originality I think, but rather on how strongly you can feel the emotion that's meant to be conveyed and to me the love in this is very clear!
Not bad, not bad at all, I think. I agree, you probably should send a clearer message. But as for the actually content, I thought you did pretty well. On a scale of one to ten I give it a 8, which is good coming from me. Keep writing and you'll go far.
Well it was nicely tried, I'll back up "sabradan" here. It is indeed a typical teen angst poem, but other than that you had some usable descriptions which to my opinion you misused by putting them in such an nonstructural piece.
First, you should not have put the whole piece in a italic text, usually poems do not need editing-if it was your intention to make it look "better"-
Second, you capitalized every single word which wasn't necessary at all, capitalization is a very important element when it comes to poetry, it should be very well used for it can drag your poem's reputation down if misused. What you've shown in this piece is a an extreme case of misused capitalization.
Third, the structure here is very unattractive, try to look at your poem from a distance -to me it looks a bunch of sentences mashed up together- that's not the point, a poem needs a certain structure which makes it look attractive for the reader. This can be achieved in varies of ways.
Tell you what, I'm planning on writing a writing tip in the "writer's tip" section as soon as I'm finished I'll PM you the link. I will try to make the aspects I just mentioned as clear as possible
Keep writing,
Cheerios, Chandni
ummmm... wow thats about all i can say to something like that its kind of disturbing if i do say but so are a lot of things that are true or said from the heart...
Perhaps you should have countinued, Dan-o. You would've been more pleasantly inclined.
"Sucked like a melted popsicle." Cute.
Nah, it was good. I can dig it.
TTAP. Typical Teenage Angst Poetry. I stopped reading after the first stanza.
Try fixing up your diction and having a clearer message you want to convery. That way, even if your message is TTAP, it won't sound so TTAP/Emo to me, and I won't want to gouge out my eyes with a spork. Keep trying, I know you'll get it. Keep writing.