Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Lyrical

E - Everyone

Verse One

by Maximilia

…and I was always grasping.

picking words from the dark, from the deep, from the stars. Groping the night, every night, for the whispers that tantalize and promise and draw from me the certain sense of a sense; and I was falling.

and then the sun is in my eyes, the both of us drowning. Sinking, the sun, into the sweep of requiescat colour. Sinking, the sun, into the afterlight, as I descend into rhapsodic glints of melody. as I fall, and hear more sight than sound

i blink and find his eyes through the song. Glowing, glimmering things. like candles at the end of the world…

the world? the world, the world, the world…drown deeper.

i blink, and find myself falling through marcescent resonance

through miasmic litany, and there is a fire burning in the wash and symphony of stars; in glowing, glimmering words; in the face from which the butterflies fly with golden wings

and I am chased down, driven down, devoured by the world and

Slowly, I remember.

Swallowed beneath pale flesh, the sun shining now beneath me, I find myself staring into her eyes.

“I think you’re lost, Sam.” She says.

I am an angel in the sunset, wings spread, wings shed against the ground here amoung the mountains, sand, black tar glittering. And in the dying light I rebuild myself a pillar of salt, glimmering and hardened with the marble of a name.

And in the dying light, I know that I am blind. That I have always been blind.

“We’re all lost,” I say. The shadows of my feet creep towards her. “But I think we’ve been here before…”

She sighs. Stands still over me, and I remember the sky; the sun beneath me burning a darkening above her, though she shined on, like always. Shined with a vibrance; a steady thrumming.

I remember the stars. Bright. Brighter; the singing. There was God in the sound. I remember that the stars are singing to me.

She drops her sunglasses back over her eyes and walks away. And it is dark and dreary in the world – in the midst of that moment after dreams. The road glitters with a thousand shards of glass behind her.

And I am sightless. I lie still.

I lie on a pyre of glass in the desert night, and I remember that wordless question in the crescent wash of glowing faces and flaring pages. God is a feeling.

This is the night again. I remember it in an aria of eyes and skin.

I feel this. The wind blowing voices across my cheeks, the night pulling the quiet from my lungs to fill the desert around me. I see the stars gleaming poetry in lulling notes. Crooning, black craggy peaks far and high.

Her footsteps fading paint my heartbeat in the dark and the shining. But a sad song never dies.

The melody carries on forever, words walking time, like the horizon.

And I am here; I feel this.

I blink, and I am in the world again. I am real.

This is the end.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
9 Reviews

Points: 1012
Reviews: 9

Sat Dec 19, 2015 9:49 pm
MJthesongbird says...

This was actually really good. There were a few times when I felt lost, but I still love it. Keep on writing and improve as you go on.

User avatar
28 Reviews

Points: 537
Reviews: 28

Fri Nov 15, 2013 4:42 am
View Likes
Jibber wrote a review...

I REALLY like this story. I love the thought put into it and the idea that was portrayed. I didn't really like the format it was put in. It wasn't awful, but I guess I'm just not used to the format. Closer to the beginning of the story, there isn't a lot of capitalization. It might help to capitalize more. As well, is this the beginning of the story? If not, you may want to explain what you mean by the beginning part:
...and I was always grasping.
I didn't really understand it. However, the words you chose to use were absolutely FANTASTIC!!!! Some of those I had never heard of. Thanks for introducing them to me. It is always helpful to come to know knew words.
I also found that the story was written in a more poem like format. You may want to try more description. But I'm interested to see where this will lead, how it will turn out. You have piqued my curiosity. I will definitely be back to read more. Thanks for sharing! :)

User avatar
6 Reviews

Points: 322
Reviews: 6

Fri Nov 15, 2013 3:44 am
SailerGirl says...

I have no words but one- wow!! That was incredible, I wish I could write like that! Stick with it, you will go far!!

User avatar
6 Reviews

Points: 495
Reviews: 6

Sun Aug 25, 2013 8:35 am
kazza says...

OH MY GOSH. THAT IS SIMPLY AMAZING. My days, this is one story that would make me proud to the heavens if I had wrote that. The way you've written it just sends my heart out, it's simply - brilliant. There's no way to explain, no way to improve. How could you do such a perfect piece of work? Keep working on it because that just gave me a thrill I haven't had since reading Harry Potter - six years ago. Seriously, if it wasn't illegal, I'd be taking your idea into my own hands (of course I won't!) but... wow. Brilliant. Amazing. Wonderful.
How did you get the motivation to craft something of such a high grade?
OH MY GOSH. I'm keeping that to read, I love it, that is amazing. Woah. Thank you so much for allowing me to read this and well, this is barely a review.
A review mostly on your talents!

Maximilia says...

OH, well, thank you! lol That was an amazing comment! :D I'm in the middle of rewriting this, though...but it's nice to know that it was this greatly appreciated while in this form. Thank you! <3

User avatar
25 Reviews

Points: 590
Reviews: 25

Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:20 am
Aquila90 wrote a review...

Hi Maxi!

Honestly, it was quite good. I never had any problems with the flow or style you presented in this (I presume) first chapter. I can imagine and almost 'see' myself as Sam, who I assume is a girl. But that's besides the point.

In technical terms, I don't see any mistakes or sentence errors that writers usually make, and quite remarkably everything is clear to visualize! I had no confusing moments or points where I had to re-read for clarity. (I'm lazy to do that, and so is the global population)

Of course it is not perfect, because there were times when I felt the drag when you repeat too many times. It is good for a moment, but too many and it feels like I'm standing still with no progression in the story. I feel like being bashed with a certain idea if the repetition gets too obvious.

Sam's character is quite well fleshed out, but you might want to take a little more time describing and developing the others as well. If Sam was blind from birth, he/she can recall certain memories or descriptions of them that are very distinct. And if you do that, you amplify the tragedy and will allow readers to easily relate to Sam.

Also regarding characters, I have a slight confusion between Hailey and Bailey. Are they two distinct characters or a mere typo? Lol because the two letters are indeed close to each other on the keyboard! Furthermore Derek seem to be very insignificant, he appears like a shadow in the dark.

Overall your prose and structure is good, almost perfect in technicality yet lacking in certain establishing aspects; character descriptions. You might also want to further elaborate on the surroundings using other sensory means like smell and touch since Sam is blind, you can almost have the reader immersed completely in your story.

To round up I have to say good job! Just a little bit more and you can create a riveting and addictive story!


Maximilia says...

I only know four languages in which to say "thank you": English, Spanish, French, and then the nearly unintelligible babble I'm restraining myself from pouring into right now.

You made some very interesting points (and encouraging statements, thanks :)) , most particularly opening my eyes to things that weren't so intended...i think I might have to restructure some things. But this is good! THANK YOU!

Aquila90 says...

No problem Maximilia! And I sadly only know how to say 'your welcome' in two languages...soon three haha! All the best for future works!

User avatar
1417 Reviews

Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Mon Aug 12, 2013 12:07 am
Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there!

Wow. What an ending. I really hate you for ending the chapter that way, but it's a good ending. I think I know what's going to happen, but I'm hoping that doesn't happen. I hope I'm wrong.

Overall, this is a good chapter. I think you did a good job introducing the characters. It's interesting how you're telling the story from the perspective of a blind girl. I'm sure that has to be a struggle and I give you props for doing so. I am wondering though, if Sam has been blind from birth or had something happen to her later on in life that made her blind. She may be a bit more relatable and understandable if readers knew that information.

I feel like the other characters, Sam's friends, could've been developed a bit more. I understand that the narrator is blind and won't be able to describe things the way you'd normally see in a novel. But she's bound to know how her friends usually act or how they sound when they talk. That could be some good description to add to this.

Let me know when the next chapter is up!

Keep writing!

Maximilia says...

Gosh, Noelle! Stop being so perceptive! You'll make me work harder. Lol

I must say the same for your review -
Some serious considerations are being made...

Thanks for reviewing again!

'This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. 'I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy