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140,080 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Hey Max!
First of all I must say your vocabulary is very good. Good vocabulary says a lot about a writer. One thing you need to work on however is your flow, the consistency of your stanzas. In your second stanza, you have four lines instead of three. I am slightly confused becuase I am detecting two different themes in the poem. One is of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in conflict, and another one of Them united. This threw me off a little in understanding the meaning of the poem, but a good thing about your poem is that it can be interpreted many different ways. This allows people to ponder more and develop their own opinion of the content. Overall, it was a good first poem.
Rarity♦
Thank you. Part of what I was trying to express is the Paradoxical elements of the Trinity, so maybe that helps. Thanks for your time!
I always feel conflicted about religious pieces...but no matter! This was a decent poem, though perhaps a little tired. It's good, but it's redundant of things that have been done a dozen times before, and I would've liked to see something to make this stand out a little. It lacked any newness, and I would love to see a less-traditional religious piece that makes it a little less archaic. This was good, but try to bring something new to it. :]
Keep writing!
This was really interesting. I had a really clear image in my head of what was going on, and it's interesting to consider the possibilities of what it could be a metaphor for- standing up for what you believe in, being yourself, fighting battles within your life, standing up for the innocent etc. It has endless possibilities. You also have an excellent vocabulary, which always makes a piece more interesting, the use of personal pronouns effectively drew the reader in (although I love reading things in first person so might be a little biased!) and all the puntuation helped emphasize certain lines as well as making it easier to read and understand. Semantic field of religion was interesting, and helped with the overall olden-timesy feel.
Your rythm could do with some work, and I think you should use a more regular rhyme scheme (possibly just personal preference), also I didn't really understand why the second stanza needed four line. Overall though, this was really good and I'd definitely read more of your work in the future.
Thank you, Anna.