“What your biggest fear?”
The season was late summer. The day, hot, and spent inside whenever possible. We happened to be sitting at my mother's kitchen table playing a game immediately following our lunch. The game... twenty questions with the intention of finding something to use as an adventure starter. This had two-fold purposing. Millie and I, despite our friendship of four years, decided that there were a lot of things we didn't know about each other. Mostly little things, I'll admit, but little things add up. Also, let's face it, if there were two people to find trouble playing a harmless game, it was bound to be us.
I pondered the question a good while, mulling it over in my mind. There were a lot of things of which a ten-year-old may be afraid. I'd outgrown my fear of the monster under my bed, so that was not an option. It was still too early for me to fear the murders behind my shower curtain. Finally, recalling my last hospital visit, I snapped my fingers. “Elevators.”
The look I received from Millie bordered dubious, and only a shade less excited from incredulous. “Elevators?” she deadpanned.
“That's a perfectly good and normal thing to fear,” I said, shifting in me seat. “What are you afraid of?”
In an attempt to shift the attention from me and my perhaps irrational fear, I may have unintentionally set into motion one of our more life-threatening adventures. Millie crossed her legs, folded her arms, and leaned back in her seat. She looked me over, her brow creased in thought. “We need to put you on an elevator.”
I rolled my eyes. “You're just avoiding my question.”
“I am doing no such thing.” At my raised eyebrow, she shrugged, conceding. “OK, maybe a little. How about this,” she leaned forward conspiratorially, “You face your fear, and I'll tell you mine.”
Leaning forward as well, I bounced my eyebrows, mocking her. “Counter proposal: you tell me your fear, but you have to face it too.” I shrugged at her affronted look. “Only seems fair to me.”
She sat back huffing. The chair squeaked on my mom's kitchen floor. “Fine.” She pointed at me, her little finger wagging at me, “I get to decide how you deal with elevators though.”
I shrugged. “Fair enough, but I decide how you deal with your fear.” She glared and I smirked. Served her right, trying to be coy with me.
Without further ado, we rose from our seats, bid my mother a farewell, telling her we were off to town. We hopped on our bikes, her words of caution completely unheeded.
“I don't like this.”
“You don't have to.”
“Oh, I hate you.”
“Yeah, I love you too.”
Millie smirked at me while I stared at the elevator doors apprehensively. I couldn't see the face, but I could picture it. It was the look that said, “Torture is illegal, but we're friends so you won't call the cops.” I hate that look. I perfected that look, but oh how I loath to be on the receiving end of it.
We stood in the only building in Whispering Winds with an elevator, and with staff who wouldn't question two 10-year-olds wandering its halls: the hospital. This made my half of the adventure unfair, as I faced two major fears, while Millie technically only faced one. I abhor hospitals. The smell, the over cleanliness, the unnecessarily bright lights, all of it, I hated it. I'd have to be almost dying in order for me to request a visit to the hospital. I'd only gone last week for mandatory flu shots before school.
Millie nudged me moments before the elevator dinged and its doors slid open. I whimpered, looking at Millie's smug face with a pout on my own. “Do I have to?”
“Only if you don't want me to hold it over your head for the rest of your life.”
I returned to staring at the elevator with its doors gaping wide like a mouth waiting to devour me. I waggled my head back and forth, weighing my choices. She would never let this go, and I really wanted to know of what my friend could possibly be afraid. After giving a long-suffering sigh, I stepped forward. “Alright, let’s get this over with.”
“How long do we have to be on this thing?” The metal walls already seemed to be pressing in on me, and we'd only gone up maybe three floors.
“At least ten minutes.” I groaned, and she chuckled gleefully. “You still have nine left.”
I shot her a withering glance. “Oh, you are so getting it whenever you tell me yours. I’ll make sure it’s a good one, too.” She rolled her eyes.
Before Millie could respond to my seemingly non-realistic threat, the thing I feared most, the real dread that had lurked in the back of my mind as I set foot in the elevator, the, as my brother so eloquently put it when I first voiced my fear, “one in a million cases” happened. With a bang, and a shuttering jolt, the elevator cab came to a halt. I shrieked, my arms flailing wildly, trying to find something to grip tightly. Millie stayed calmer than I, but even she held fast to the railings encompassing the elevator. “What the hell?” she breathed, and being too freaked, I didn’t bother calling her on her language.
“I thought you said these things were harmless!?!” I may have screamed. I’m not a screamer… unless in extreme situations apparently. I’m surprised the camera in the corner didn’t shatter.
At least Millie kept her wits about her. She carefully made her way over to the emergency phone and lifted it from its cradle. I don’t know why we feared the cab falling. Elevator cables are fairly strong. However, the jolting must’ve thrown her as much as it had me.
Her head bobbed gently, I presume in time with the dial tones. After three bobs, she straightened, her face taking on a fake smile. I sank to the floor, trying not to cry. “Hi, yes, my friend and I are stuck in the elevator and are wondering if we could get some help?” The silence echoed, filling the room tangibly. I could almost taste it. Millie nodded, her fake smile not fading. Her phone voice is scarier than my mom’s. “And what time do you think someone will be over to fix it?” Another deafening silence overtook the room as she listened. I could hear my heartbeat, loud and fast. Millie nodded again. “Ok, thank you. I can call you again if we need anything, right?... Floors five and six… Ok thank you.” With that, the phone returned to its cradle. Millie’s face lost its scary “I’m on the phone” look. Her smile slipped into something more serious, but relaxed. She turned her attention to me, still on the floor, with my arms wrapped around my knees. Walking in my direction, she kneeled beside me. “Are you ok?”
I nodded sharply. “I don’t know how you are so calm, but I’ll be ok.”
She sat fully, shifting so she leaned against the wall. “They are sending a technician? The cables came off-“ I gave her a wide-eyed look, panic that had begun to ease when she sat down resettling itself in my bones. She held up a hand. “Calm down, let me finish before you jump to conclusions. Yes, the cables came off the tracks, however they aren’t just going to snap. We’re safe.” She shrugged, “Mostly anyways.”
I glared, killing her with my eyes. “I thought you were supposed to be trying to help.”
She shrugged again. “Eh? I find this whole thing funny, and if you weren’t afraid, you would too.” I looked away from her. She had a point. This is exactly the sort of thing I’d find hilarious. “Besides,” she continued, “They’re sending an orderly to see if we’re close enough to one of the floors that we can get out.”
“You couldn’t have lead with that?” I huffed irritably.
She chuckled, “Call it premature payback. You’re bound to find something dastardly to make up for this.”
“You got that right.” There is no way I’d let her off easy. Not after getting stuck in there.
Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, we weren’t in there for very long. The orderly sent to check on us found the elevator sat close enough to floor six for us to squeeze out. Millie was gracious enough to allow me to go out in front of her. She gave me a boost, the orderly pulling on my arms. As soon as I rolled out, Millie followed. We sat on the floor on a few moments before the orderly was wanting to help us find our way back to our parents. Millie and I exchanged sheepish glances. “Um…” She started, shrugging helplessly at me.
I rolled my eyes. Of course, I’d have to get us out of this one. “Sir, we are not patients at this hospital, and neither are our parents.” He quirked an eyebrow at us, motioning for us to continue. “We were using your elevator as an experiment, and might I say that it has proven to be most useful. I don’t believe I will be on an elevator EVER in the near future.” Millie groaned. “And might I add that I will be far healthier than those,” I shot Millie a pointed glance, “Who take the easy way out rather than the stairs.”
The orderly nodded, his facial expression a pristine example of an adult humoring youths. “Ok then. I’m sorry, kids, but I’m going to have to escort you outside if you yourselves and no one from your family is admitted.”
On our way out through the ER, I spotted Dylan sitting by himself, his arm cradled to his chest. Ignoring the orderly and Millie’s protests, I rushed to him. “Hey, are you ok?”
Dylan, who’d been staring at the ground despondently, jerked his head up. “Oh, hello, ma’am.”
I waved his greeting away, not deterred by the overzealous manners at this point. “Yeah, yeah, hi, are you ok? What happened?”
He winced, looking down at his arm. “I think I broke it.”
I gestured wildly again. “Yeah, how?” At this point Millie and the orderly had made their way over to us. I could feel the exasperation rolling off the orderly in waves.
Millie looked as concerned as me, or at least close to being as concerned as me. “Hey, Dylan. What’s up?”
He looked between the three of us warily, his eyes lingering on the orderly a tad. “Nothing much, ma’am. I think I broke my arm while skateboarding.” He held his arm up, pointing to the road rash. “There’s a rock stuck in my elbow.”
Millie gagged beside me, looking away. His arm was fairly gruesome looking, I suppose. I, on the other hand, examined it more closely. Reaching out, I looked at him first, “May I?” He nodded his consent. I heard the orderly huff. He must have better things to do than watch a child play nurse to another child. Despite my reservations toward hospitals, nursing was a career I had my eye on, even from a young age. I took his arm gingerly, wincing when he winced. “Sorry.”
He shook his head, “No, it’s ok, ma’am. Please.”
I’ll admit, my ten-year-old knowledge in the field of medication was limited. I knew enough to keep Millie and I out of too much trouble, but we’d never broken an arm before. I couldn’t tell if it was broken, though gauging the responses flying across his usually stoic face, I’d say it was at least sprained. I found a rock lodged in his arm, and another embedded under the skin. I gently brushed on the looser one and it fell out. Turning to the orderly, I glared. “Why hasn’t he been admitted yet? He’s clearly in pain. I thought your job was to help people?”
The orderly plastered a fake smile on his face. Mid opening his mouth, Dylan gently tugged his arm from my grasp. My attention snapped back to my injured neighbor. He wouldn’t meet my gaze, his sad eyes, full of pain, on the ground. “My mother will be back soon. You should probably leave, ma’am.”
I frowned, “Dylan-“
“You heard your friend.” The orderly’s hand fell heavily on my shoulder. “C’mon, let’s go.”
Without another word, Millie and I were ushered out the door. I paced in front of it for a few moments. Every thought in my head screamed at me, telling me to go back inside and demand treatment for the innocent boy. In all my years of knowing him, he’d never cause someone else pain. The fact that he himself was in pain tore at me. “We should do something.” I turned on my heel, ready to storm the hospital.
Millie grabbed my arm, pulling me from the door forcefully. “Nuh uh. Bad idea. C’mon, I have to tell you what I’m afraid of.”
“But-“
“No. He’s in the hospital. He will receive treatment. You need to calm down, ok?”
I snorted. “I am calm.”
“No, you’re as stable as a three-legged table with only two legs.”
I squinted at the back of my friend’s head. “Very funny, Mildred.”
“You know I’m hilarious, Amelia.” We’d made it across the parking lot at this point. She stopped, releasing my arm. I got a look that said, ‘stay put, or else’. Millie would be a great mom when she got older. I could see it then. “Dylan will be fine.” She shrugged. “Besides, we have my half of this to take care of still.”
I glared at her a moment longer, then nodded, accepting the topic change. “Ok. Time to fess up: what is your biggest fear?”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey MaxWagner,
Shady here with a review for you! Anything I say is not intended to be mean or discouraging; my style tends to be to comment as I read through the piece then give a general summary of thoughts at the end of what I thought about the piece.
One of the first things that came to my attention, though, is why have you only posted chapters 2 and 5? I mean it's up to you obviously and there's no need to post the chapters in order -- but it's a bit hard to jump into a story at chapter five without any backstory.
I think you're missing a word here; should be "What IS your biggest fear?"
Also, it's an interesting way to start the chapter -- but I'm not sure if I mean that in a good way or not. It's a little hard to get into this scene. By the end of that first full paragraph I realize they're playing a game, but it felt really expository to get us there. What I mean by that is that in writing it's generally advisable to aim for showing your readers what is happening rather than [i]telling[i] us what is happening.
Example:
The little boy was afraid.
vs.
He huddled in the corner with his knees pulled to his chest and his arms wrapped around them in a hug. His eyes were wide under his thatch of blond hair that fell into his face, the sea of blue they contained filled with unbridled panic. His gaze flicked around the room and he swallowed hard, his mouth dry as he tried to wet his lips.
Which one is better? What gives you a better idea of the scene? In that way showing is a way to pull people into your story and make readers more engaged. So how is this relevant to your story?
I think your opening would be a lot stronger if you found a way to incorporate all that information in a "showing" fashion rather than just telling us what happened. There are many ways you can go about that; I'll just offer a suggestion that could help you get thinking:
"What's your biggest fear?" Millie asked, staring at me intently.
I didn't answer right away. Instead I looked down and pushed away the empty plate that lingered after lunch, wondering why I'd agreed to play this stupid game. It had seemed like a good idea when they were discussing how much there was that they didn't know about each other, despite their four years of friendship; a chance to get to know each other better. Now it seemed I'd signed up for an interrogation.
"Well?" she pressed.
"I'm thinking," I snapped. I glanced out the window, wondering if it'd cooled off any since we came inside. I was growing weary of the summer heat, and wished it was cool I could find an escape in suggesting we play outside instead.
~
That would just be an example if he didn't want too answer the question. Obviously if he doesn't mind answering the question he doesn't have to be as hostile as I wrote him -- you know your character much better than I ever could. But that was mostly an example to show you how to write in information.
I still gave the detail it was after lunch; they'd agreed to play the game to learn more about each other; it was hot outside; they've been friends for four years; etc. But I didn't just state that. I wrote it in with feelings and dialogue, and that's what you want to go for.
This is a bit too direct of a foreshadow to be effective. I'd suggest nixing it altogether and just focusing on Millie's schadenfreude at terrorizing your main character. Talking about the fear is enough to give us a backstory if you want to lead into them getting into trouble with it later on in the chapter or novel.
How did you get to an elevator? The last scene has us on the bikes heading towards town. You need to have a paragraph or two leading into which building you got to etc. Otherwise it seems like a giant elevator door appeared in his front yard lol.
This is another example of the prose jumping and feeling a bit choppy. You go from saying "let's get this over with" to whining about being on it, but you don't actually show us stepping inside of it. So it kinda makes readers do a double-take to figure out that they're actually in the elevator by the second comment, because we are inclined to assume he's still standing outside since we haven't been told otherwise.
I get what you're saying here, but the repetition of "wince" here is a tad too much. Maybe find a way to change the second one? Like: "...wincing when his face twisted in pain." or something?
Dunno how realistic it would be for her to volunteer that? In my experience people tend to be hesitant about admitting their fears, so if it was me I'd be likely not to mention it and hope my friend forgot -- not be the one volunteering it. Especially not after how hesitant she was earlier in the story.
~~~
Overall this was a good chapter! I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh, I don't mean to be -- I just point out ways I think you could improve an already good story. I think was a sweet moment between friends; a bit of danger without any real danger being introduced. And you ended with a great cliffhanger -- makes you want to read on to learn what the fear is. That feature is excellently done.
A general suggestion I have is using Amelia's name earlier in the chapter. Of course this is chapter 5 and I don't have any of the backstory so I'm coming at this from a different perspective than someone who would've read the whole book in order-- but honestly for whatever reason I imagined your protagonist as being a little boy. No idea why I did, you really didn't say either way -- but my mind thought she was a boy.
When she approached Dylan and he called her "ma'am" I was thrown a bit, and then I really wasn't sure whether she was a girl or boy until the very end when her name is used. That could be easily changed by adding in more physical descriptors (cause again I have literally no idea what she looks like. Hair color? Hair length? Eye color? Height? Skin color? Body type?) as well as simply using her name earlier in the chapter.
Also, isn't it usually firefighters that rescue people from elevators? I could be wrong but I'm nearly certain an orderly at a hospital wouldn't be sent, alone, to rescue two little girls. That's kind of a big deal and generally involves first responders -- numerous ones, not just a single orderly.
I think that's about it. Good chapter! It was well done!
Keep writing!
~Shady
1. What I liked
I loved what it's about, and the fact that it's in first person.
2. Flow & Style
The dilogue at the start of the story was hard to follow it seemed choppy somehow.
3. Plot
I guess this is just me but somehow the plot seem's a bit cheesy. Not the overcoming fear but perhaps you could think of a better thing to be scared of then an elevator.
3. Overall
I loved it. Keep on writing such great stuff. I hope I didn't hurt you in anyway.
Excuse the comment below this I did not intend forit to be a comment.
Thank you for your words. The plot is a tad cheesy, but I was drawing a blank on what this kid could be scared of, and I needed to get her in the hospital, without her being afraid of the hospital, or ingured. And nope, not hurt.