z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Aubade

by MaxWagner


In. Out. One. Two. Slow, methodical breathing moved my chest. My breaths came in time with the light breeze that moved my hair. My lungs expanding and collapsing on their own accord stabilized me in my core. My feet, spread shoulder width apart, stood on a firm foundation. I kept my knees bent just slightly, never wavering in my stance. My hands, relaxed, hung loosely by my sides. Though empty, I needed nothing to hold onto. No anchor needed to weigh me down. I would not move. My eyes, though open, saw nothing. A blank void stretched before me. Silence echoed in my soul, but it was not at peace. Some curious form of anticipation flurried in my chest. Not anxious, nor concerned; rather excited and elated. Energy coursed through my veins, like a fire ready to burn through my skin. A laugh gurgled deep within, threatening to burst forth, and pierce the darkness like the dawn I knew approached. In the furthermost recesses of my mind, I instinctively knew the thing I awaited with much trepidation was the morning light, and it grew near.

Far off, in the distance, a sound arose. Gently, gradually, growing louder breath by breath, the sound bloomed like a budding flower. Music, soft and sweet surrounded me, wordless. Timeless. Endless. I felt it swell around me, rising and falling like an ocean's tide. I absorbed the energy I could almost taste in the music into my already singing veins. 

Though a distinguishable crescendo approached, I knew in my soul the song would never end. Even if it fell silent, just like there had been no beginning, there could be no end. Though I could remember a time when I did not hear the music, and I knew there would be a time when I did not hear it again, I felt the honor in being able to hear it now.

Then, as though a silent command fell, the sounds ceased, the piece's intensity maximum reached. A light hum was all that remained and were it not for the melodious harmony the hum made, I’d have labeled it the lingering buzz from the music before. This hum carried promises of never seen before newness. A re-birthing occurred, and it was my privilege to stand there, witnessing it.

A pinpoint. A prickle. A breach. Dawn appeared over the horizon like an explosion. The hum rose in volume, echoing the rise of the sun. Brilliant colors blinded me. Flashes of reds, oranges, pinks and even some deep purples streaked above my head. I threw my head back, trying to glimpse every hue as it erupted. This was the dawn. The dawn of a new day, in a new world. A world not yet seen before. My surroundings became clear to me. I, this world's first beholder, saw snow capped mountains, rolling oceans, deserts filled with cacti, prairies flat, but begging to be explored with all the other terrains. Too many sights filled my eyes, and I closed them in fear of being overwhelmed. 

The sunlight burned through my eyelids, leaving images of red marble on my mind. In. Out. My breath once more stabilized me. One. Two. The glorious hum faded completely, leaving only the light breeze to caress me. 

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51 Reviews

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Thu Mar 29, 2018 3:19 am
Nobunaga wrote a review...



Hello!

This was so relaxing to read. It reminds me of a time when I did yoga. I remember standing in the driveway, practicing my breathing, posing, and welcoming the sun. To be completely honest, I'm noticeably more relaxed after reading this. I feel like this was your intention. This seems to be a scene written for the mood alone, simply to convey a specific emotion. But it was not without its conflict! I love how you wrote those ending paragraphs. There was this overwhelming, panicky feeling that began to arise as your main character became overrun by the beauty of the day, forcing them to go back into their breathing and become calm again. This was beautiful, Max! I do, however, have a few suggestions.

The first is that you play up that "conflict", the rise of turbulent emotions. I feel like if you added a little more to that climax, it would hit harder and make the come down even more satisfying.

The second is in regards to your grammar and the way you position your words in a sentence. I have a few examples.

Silence echoed in my soul, but it was not at peace.


The way this is structured led me to believe that the silence itself was not at peace. At first this confused me until I re-read it and realized you meant the soul was not at peace. Still, this is a quite confusing sentence, at least for me.


I absorbed the energy I could almost taste in the music into my already singing veins.


I just couldn't make sense of this when first reading your piece. It felt - and still feels - clumsy and too full of words. I would suggest taking out "almost" and "already" and leaving it as a simple statement instead of... all the extra.

the piece's intensity maximum reached.


Here, I think you just have your words flipped around.

Lastly, I want to address this sentence. I feel like it disrupts the flow of your writing.

Not anxious, nor concerned; rather excited and elated.


This feeling of being excited and elated seriously contradicts what you were setting up in the sentences before. I was in the mood of peace and serenity, but this completely broke that. I feel like this sentence, and the ones associated with it, would do better if inserted after the "crescendo" of emotion. Adding in all this emotion, and then trying to go back to peace, is just really jarring.

And that's all I really have for you! This was a very emotional piece and I loved reading it! I hope to see more from you soon!




MaxWagner says...


Sorry for taking so long to respond to your review. I'm very appreciative of you taking the time to read this. College, man. It's a buzzkill.

I definitely see all the points you are making. The wordiness is me trying to get to a specific word count, and nothing more. The last line... that one had a point. It does disrupt the flow, and I think I'll cut it out, but I want to explain what I was doing there. Have you ever felt an uncontrollable elation in your chest, for absolutely no reason? Like you're about to burst if you don't make some sort of noise? A laugh, or a giggle, chuckle, SOMETHING? I get this feeling when staring at the sunrise. I was trying to convey that particular emotion. I'll be completely at peace, but this burst of emotion that I cannot properly label arises, and the result is me clapping a hand on my mouth to keep from disrupting the silence with my rather uncalled for laughter. I still want to convey that emotion somewhere in this book, but I may have to write an entirely different scene for it...

I'm not a big fan of spoiling my stories before I've written them, but I'll let you have this one hint: he's dreaming. This book is supposed to be rather abstract in nature, so if I maintain that theme, I'm doing it sort of right. Please let me know if it gets to repetitive though!!



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30 Reviews

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Tue Mar 27, 2018 3:14 pm
Daenyss wrote a review...



Wow. There's really not much to critique on this, it's so amazing, but i'll do my best.

First off, I loved how you captured the lyrical feel of poetry in a prose piece. The imagery you used was one point, and I could quite clearly envision the scene, so bravo!

One nitpick I have for you is the placement of the word "maximum" in the sentence "Then, as though a silent command fell, the sounds ceased, the piece's intensity maximum reached." I would consider putting maximum before intensity, or just changing the phrase altogether. In my style, I probably would have gone with "...the piece having reached its climactic intensity." It, in my opinion, fits a bit more with the lyricality of the piece, instead of the bluntness of the overused "maximum." That's just an opinion, but as my teacher once told me, "Maximums are for math."

Overall, great job, and keep writing!




MaxWagner says...


Thank you for your review. The reason I used maximum was to avoid using climax, or any of it's variants... But you're right; it is blunt and out of place. That sentence is awkward...



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Tue Mar 27, 2018 2:14 pm
YoshaSingh says...



A sheer example of an absolute amazing writing. Started reading and knew it was something that would loom over. Just loved it! keep up the good work !




MaxWagner says...


Thank you!!



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Tue Mar 27, 2018 6:06 am
AsterChai wrote a review...



I have to say, absolutely incredible.

Poetry is such a beautiful form of writing, no matter what your style is. I'm not good at discerning the meaning of lots of poetry, and every time I guess I get it wrong, but something about this poem, even though I do not understand the meaning, makes me enjoy it immensely. Which is strange since usually poetry doesn't captivate me as it does others. The words, the sentences, are all absolutely beautiful. The scenery painted is also very beautiful. I struggle to find which emotion this touches inside me, but whichever it is, this poem works well in touching it. I love how you started and ended with the breathing, very nice touch. The combination of short and long sentences are great, and the use of words like brilliant, overwhelmed, distinguishable, etc are great choices. All in all I really enjoyed this, and I can't think of anything really bad about it. Not to say it's perfect, as nothing is, but it's still pretty good.




MaxWagner says...


Thank you for your review! I wasn't writing this as a poem, though looking back at it, I can see where it reads like one. Oops!


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AsterChai says...


Oh dear, my bad! I should have guessed this wasn't a poem... but it did feel like one. Don't take that as a bad thing though, like I said Poetry is beautiful, and the fact that your writing resembles it isn't bad at all!




I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief