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Young Writers Society



The Morning Battle of Gabrielle

by Mau-able


The morning rises above Gabrielle's head with honor,
while being dragged by time and off his chest.
Twilight covering the silent horizon,
similar to a stance of an undoubted warrior.

A face, holding on to a fierce decision.
The face that repeatedly suffered vast collisions.
Advancing unstoppable with only one direction.
Through the Valley of Life, holding the Light of the Sun.

Struggling with the known adversary in his own horrible battle,
kneeling with swords and killing like never before.
Gabrielle illuminated innocents from the beginning of the apocalypse,
but struggled by fighting the unknown war.

The dodges and the massive blows diminished him.
He lost his strength throughout this sadness.
Being pulled to the ground by the worlds gravity,
left him motionless with a broad of madness.

His Sword of Day elevated to the sky,
and the body of the once known warrior was lifted.
The Light of the Sun was left in debris,
but the sounds of the winds, strengthened and gifted.

His eyes opened forced with pain,
foreseeing the twilight of truth.
His muscles were left defying gravity,
as he stood up with his shattered fruit.

He walked the fields to infinite glory,
getting punctured countless times.
These thrusts are worth the life of the living,
and the forgotten souls are being saved with the Light of Kind.

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40 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 40

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Sun May 27, 2007 1:41 am
little x soldier wrote a review...



Hi
Just leaving something small.

This poem is exceptional long compared to the others but I guess that can't be helped.
I didn't understand anything at first. I had to read it aloud over and over again. I do like the flow of it.

"Gabe"
^That bugs me. You used 'Gabrielle' once and I think that's enough to know who you refer to as 'he'. Is there a particular reason for using that in the middle of that stanza?

I like how you narrated the sequence of events.
There aren't many emotions or not enough, therefore it can do well in narrative poetry as well. I like short-story-like poems though.

The title is fine. It just suits the poem a bit too much.

Well done. Keep on writing of course.

- Xia
Don't correct me if I'm wrong c:




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227 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 227

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Sat May 26, 2007 9:07 am
Mad wrote a review...



Well it is hard for me to critique if I am sure of the content.

The start appears a bit vague to me, especially the second line. It doesn't really give me much of a clue about what is happening and I had to re read it a few times.

You use the "Valley of Life", the "Light of the Sun", "Sword of Day" and "Kind of Light". I think thats a bit over done. In a way it is a culmination of cliches, phrases that have been used and aren't original. I'm not saying don't use them, I'm just saying don't overdo them. You own originality is what makes the poem.

You do have many nicely worded sentences, "foreseeing the twilight of truth. " for example, which I do like.

Gabe illuminated innocents from the beginning of the apocalypse,
but struggled by fighting the unknown war.


Gabe? I'm torn. The contrast is good, it emphasizes the death in comparison to Gabe and the lack of formality when compared to you choice of words but in another way it just comes across as out of place.

I'm supposing it is about Gabrielle the angel and I think that the description generally was good and that the way you did describe events draws a reaction from the reader.





i am neither a loose leaf nor do i like loose leafs. really, i am a piece of wide-ruled looseleaf paper
— looseleaf