Published April 21, 2005
Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud…
I can’t believe this.
I’m standing in the shadows. I know what it would look like to you.
A stalker, since you had so many. I was one of a kind though, for I knew what got to you. What drove you insane.
What I could do to make you scream and ache all over knowing I was the one that caused it. You are with a girl, a blond of sorts. I’m so jealous of her.
Why does she get you but I don’t?
What does she have that I don’t?
What do you see in her but don’t see in me?
You two are dancing, your arms holding her tightly against you. I can imagine her, breathing in your scent of wintergreen and smoke, entwining her fingers painted red in your curly black hair as you sway back and forth to the slow beat of drums.
Above, laser lights flash across your complexion making it a pale shade of green then red then blue and back to green.
The beat suddenly changes, but you’re stuck in the same movement as before. I can’t bare to watch so I turn away, hoping that when I look back, you’ll be looking at me. Then I will see me instead of her with you.
That you’ll see that I have everything you want, maybe more. I turn back suddenly, something inside of me begging that the scene will change, but it doesn’t. I’m seeing the same scene while it flashes across my mind like movie.
Rubbing it in my nose, taunting me as if saying, “You’re not good enough for him. You’ll never be.”
That’s when the tears start. Setting my cheeks a fire because I’m so embarrassed. They're streaming down my pale cheeks, onto my lips, my chin and then falling to the floor making a sound that only I can hear.
A sound of a heart breaking.
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141,304 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
Very vivid and emotional. Loved this!
Very nice ending! Loved the descriptions.
This would be an awesome poem, if you wanted to put it into poem form. This also reminds me of a preface to a story. Can't wait to read other chapters!
Keep writing.
Becca
Beautiful! I love the descriptions. This was a very good tale and it kind of reminds me somewhat of a preface to a story. It's great on its own but it also could be used to turn into a longer story maybe explainng how it led up to that. I dont know, just me veiws! 8 ^ P Keep writing!
First off, my critiques/suggestions will be in bold. Your work will be in italics. Here we go:
I don't quite understand this... Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't make sense. Care to explain?
Consider making a small change to the third and fourth sentences, like so: "I know what it would look like to you: a stalker, since you have so many."
What I could do to make you scream and ache all over knowing I was the one that caused it. You are with a girl, a blond of sorts. I’m so jealous of her.
Why does she get you but I don’t?
What does she have that I don’t?
What do you see in her but don’t see in me?
You two are dancing, your arms holding her tightly against you. I can imagine her, breathing in your scent of wintergreen and smoke, entwining her fingers painted red in your curly black hair as you sway back and forth to the slow beat of drums.
Above, laser lights flash across your complexion making it a pale shade of green then red then blue and back to green.
The beat suddenly changes, but you’re stuck in the same movement as before. I can’t bare to watch so I turn away, hoping that when I look back, you’ll be looking at me. Then I will see me instead of her with you.
That you’ll see that I have everything you want, maybe more. I turn back suddenly, something inside of me begging that the scene will change, but it doesn’t. I’m seeing the same scene while it flashes across my mind like movie.
Rubbing it in my nose, taunting me as if saying, “You’re not good enough for him. You’ll never be.”
That’s when the tears start. Setting my cheeks a fire because I’m so embarrassed. They're streaming down my pale cheeks, onto my lips, my chin and then falling to the floor making a sound that only I can hear.
A sound of a heart breaking.[/quote]
first of all, let me start out by saying that this was a really vivd tale, i could see it all going on in my mind. but that peice that i quoted above was one that really stuck out, its so descriptive, and it made me hate this girl even more, haha!
I liked it. It wasn't profound or heart-wrenching, but it was good. Very real, very honest.
A couple of things:
~Split into more paragraphs. I had a lot of trouble following the one really big block.
~The first line was cool...
~I liked the sort of stream-of-consciousness way it was written. It was coherent enough that I could follow it, but didn't seem confined by a plan/outline of any sort.
~"That’s when the tears start. Setting my cheeks a fire because I’m so embarrassed." This was kind of awkward for me. Maybe: "That's when the tears start, setting my cheeks afire because I've never been so humiliated."
Other than that, I liked it. You're way better with description than I am.
Mattie I liked it a lot but it could use more descriptions. Right now, it's just actions like you watching the guy dancing with the girl and crying and whatnot, but it needs more details telling about the surroundings and maybe even more of your feelings, not just your thoughts. I really loved the first line too.
I used to go to RK a lot, but it's nowhere near as good as these boards, and the members there are horrible at critiquing! They just say its good and move on, which I found totally annoying, until someone posted a link to this site (actually Mattie I think that was you).
Yeah it was really really good. Sam when did you join RK? I critted their stuff so they better crit mine.
This is really pretty...
A nice rant, and you could do a lot with it. You could change it into a poem, or a play or something...
Awesomeness. Definitely not RealKids standard...(extremely PO'ed at them...)