He stares at you,
Utter hatred in his frozen eyes.
His voice, a deathly calm,
Comes from hell.
It conveys power to hurt,
With a single word.
Cruelty holds him captive,
Demon eyes rip apart your soul.
That voice, tears you down,
All you can do is cower,
Without a single hope of defense,
Caving into the hideous caverns,
Of his devil's power, those eyes...
That voice...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
strong poem.... keep up the work....
There's a lot of raw emotion here. I like the two line stanzas, they work really well. personally I would have made the demon genderless to perhaps enstill a greater sense of the unknown, a greater reason to fear the creature but I especially liked the ending and the way it trails off, like something else is going to happen. It left me in a kind of restless suspense which was really effective.
Uh, wow.
This poem is really good. You have so much emotion packed in it it's like it's vibrating
The only thing it kind of lacks is flow. If you make the stanzas longer it might help.
Other than the flow you nailed it! Good grammar, emotion, and imagery.
Nice job
Keep writing,
Alzora
Great work Mr. Demon. What I noticed is the connection of your username with your poem. I think that's a great idea, your avatar by the way rocks in the most satirical way.
I also noticed how real your poem's emotions are. The descriptions adds to your dramatic theme. The only thing I really want to ask is that, have you seen hell? Because of all your descriptions, I think, are so realistic and true. Double kudos for that, Demon.
I bid you a happy writing (write more devilish styles for me!)
.....that banana kinda drives me nuts. O.o (I tend to repeat things in my head, so I have a love-hate relationship with gifs.) *ahem* Anyway.
I didn't have a problem with anything till here:
These stanzas are kind of one big run-on. I understand why you wrote it this way, it just looks... like it could use another punctuation mark. Maybe a hyphen or something, I'm not quite sure at the moment.
Also, someone once told me to not use ellipses (...) in poetry. To me, it could be a stylistic thing, but consider that here--I'm not entirely certain that they belong in that last stanza.
Oh, and you don't need a comma after "that voice". Read it aloud. Would you pause there? Maybe, but I don't think it warrants a comma unless you add "it" before "tears".
On the whole, this was pretty good.
Hey there, Matthews! *snugs* You’ve been hit with the panda stamp of awesome!
Hehe! And now for a review!
So, I like that you have a very focused theme in this. That is probably the best part about this. You didn’t wander off and you kept it down to the necessary (it’s nice not to have a poem running around in too many directions!).
But at the same time, you’re wording is a little funky in spots. For instance:
It’s very repetitive here and you could really just cut out the first clumsy. I think it reads a bit smoother and cleaner this way and buy getting rid of the one, you also get rid of a comma that causes a funny pause.
But I really want to focus on the ending because the ending is as important to the poem as the beginning and the middle!
There’s something very messy looking to a poem when one word dangles at the end like that. For me at least, it’s kind of unappealing. Plus, when it ended on “without” I was really expecting it to be followed by a different word or something that would have more power but there isn’t much mmmpha to this ending. It just sputters out and leaves me only partially satisfied which is something you should definitely consider working on!
Best of luck to you and your banana avatar!
~lilymoore