Young Writers Society

Thanks guys, I know it wasn't the best, it was more of ideas in a style, then a passage of a story. I know it causes a lot of confusion so far, but one of my aims this far in is to cause wonder, and for the reader to ask questions.

So far, I'm still not sure myself as to whether or not it is a good idea.

Thanks though

Hi there! Let's see whatcha got... Commenting in red! Now I understand this is an unfinished, under-development thing, but I'll be giving you points to give us more info on and correcting your grammar!

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You see, I’m a huge nerd, and I love to read fantasy novels, well I used to, but we can get to that in a bit. My friends are always telling me how nice it would be to be the warrior princess in a far off fantasy land, or the damsel in distress waiting for her prince charming to rescue her. Well, that’s how I used to feel too, well until they moved in.

I agree with the above poster, the way you start this piece is strange. For one, the whole "you see" thing that you have going on here leaves an image that the text is a continuation to something that has been already said, leaving it a bit "stunted".

The first sentence is quite massive, I'd try to shorten or clip it into a pair of sentences instead. Try something on the lines of "You see, I'm a huge nerd, and I love to read fantasy novels. At least I used to, but we can get to that in a bit."

You also repeat the word "Well" a lot. Try and replace it with other words here and there?

Oh, and the last sentence needs fixing. I'd either add a comma in front of the second well, or preferably just remove it entirely.

My name is Jilli Hersh, I’m a sixteen old high school junior. I moved to Waterbrook, Michigan a few years ago with my family, my mom told me we had to move because of dad’s job. Now, I didn’t complain much, I had no friends in my old school, but one thing that bothered me is that I had no clue what my dad’s job was. They never did tell me when I complained about it. All I received was reassurance the move was worth it, and here I am.

Firstly, a sixteen-year-old. Slight typo there.

The second sentence seems slightly long, but not too bad. I prefer short sentences, makes things easier to read and understand in my opinion. Ironically I tend to slip up and write huge sentences myself, so I'll forgive you.

Also, considering the circumstances, I'd say not elaborating on dad's job is justified here.

When we first arrived I was twelve and my hopes of making friends were small, but I quickly found a group of people that had similar interests. I was finally happy; I had friends, an amazing house, and a backyard the size of a football field. It had a privacy fence, which was perfect for my friends’ masquerades and fantasy adventures. These were the things that made me happy, well for a time anyway.

Why were her hopes of making friends small? What group of people? Do tell us more. Also, apparently the protagonist is finally happy, when we didn't really know he was unhappy in the first place. Perhaps some more describing the situation she left behind when she moved would be in order? I'd do that in the earlier bits.

As for what the above poster said, I disagree. We should definately care, because it is directly related to the character here. Also, there are certainly people who LARP from a young age, and the people doing it probably don't find it embarrassing at all. Why would they do it if they did? Granted, these young people are small in number, but there's no reason to believe it's a miracle that she found a group. Just lucky.

Also, you did the well thing in the last sentence again. Fiiix.

Now I find myself wondering if I will be graced with waking up in the morning. At least that’s how they put it, I don’t find it funny though.. When they first arrived, I was scared of them. What twelve year old girl wouldn’t be? They brought us to our first contact with their kind, well I guess that’s not correct, my first contact.

Again, it's twelve-year-old.

I'd do something about the last sentence here. Again, I'd try to chop it to two separate sentences, and you really need to work on using the word "Well". I'd try something like this: "They brought us to our first contact with their kind. Well, I guess that's not correct; My first contact."

They were what we humans would normally call “Werewolves” in a very loose translation of the term. Yes they were wolves, but had no human blood. Big, is a good word to describe them as well, really big, as in truck big. If you’re scared now, I would suggest you stop reading, because it gets worse, much worse.

Strike the comma in front of Big.

This is where the whole thing really starts degrading. Work on your imagery! We don't get to know anything about these creatures, other that they're big and inhuman. Also, the whole "If you're scared now..." thing just doesn't work - It makes no sense, since the following chapters don't reveal anything scary at all. Also, be careful when working with werewolves, a very, VERY used theme... You'll have to think up something unique to make this story original in at least some level.

Wintermanes, that’s what they told me to call them back then. I have since learned in the following years, that it is a mistake to knowingly do otherwise. When they first came, they were only seeking a temporary shelter. They came to like it though, and they grew close to us. I grew close to one in particular, her name was Irisa. She, in relative years, is the same age as I am.

Why is calling them anything else a mistake: How do they react? And how does a pack of werewolf-things grow so close to a bunch of humans in a manner that you make seem very easy?

I was sad when she first left with her pack; I thought they were leaving for good. When the Wintermanes returned the next winter I was, to say the least, overjoyed. We acted similarly in a sense. She was frail, and pale in contrast to the rest of her kind, as was I. She was fascinated with the human world, a world she was forced to hide from, I was fascinated with her world, a world my father told me was too dangerous to frequent. We would exchange our stories with each other, and as always, we dreamed and fantasized over them.

If they are forced to hide from the humans, why are they with this family? Apparently now her dad opens up a bit, what else has dad told her? Surely not only this? What is their world like? Where is it? How do they get to the human one?

Unfortunately, this is the only good thing I can find in the Wintermanes. Father let them stay, which brought us danger. Irisa had informed during their first stay, that they were important in their world, dignitaries for a dying empire. Many times has their being here brought would be murderers, and assassins to our door.

Why did father let them stay, when they're clearly supposed to be avoiding humans and when it's a serious threat to his family?

Little did they know that Eramet traveled with the family, little time did they have to realize it before they found their faces being crunched between the teeth of the monstrous bear. I liked him as well, he seemed scary, but was only a lumbering softy to those he enjoyed being with.

This doesn't make any sense.

As the above poster already mentioned, the humans and the wintermanes end up together and get by in a magical manner. Welcome, enjoy your stay, big werewolf monster... No, I think everyone I know would shoot first and ask questions later. You're really missing a key factor that makes the wintermanes and the family being so close plausible.

Harsh.. Okay. Let's see what I can do.

"You see, I’m a huge nerd, and I love to read fantasy novels, well I used to, but we can get to that in a bit. My friends are always telling me how nice it would be to be the warrior princess in a far off fantasy land, or the damsel in distress waiting for her prince charming to rescue her. Well, that’s how I used to feel too, well until they moved in."

(Alright, this is sorta diary-ish. Generally not the route you take for fantasy. First person is hard enough, but this seems to just dumb down the reader level and up the difficulty on pulling it off. Opening is cliche and the next few paragraphs will turn some off, but if your target audience likes this type, then you are fine. Probably won't be in stores anyways, right?)

My name is Jilli Hersh, I’m a sixteen old high school junior. I moved to Waterbrook, Michigan a few years ago with my family, my mom told me we had to move because of dad’s job. Now, I didn’t complain much, I had no friends in my old school, but one thing that bothered me is that I had no clue what my dad’s job was. They never did tell me when I complained about it. All I received was reassurance the move was worth it, and here I am.

(Bit odd, could elaborate on what type of job for the dad. Guessing governmental would be easiest, but they typically don't like men with families until after they have been working for some years.)

When we first arrived I was twelve and my hopes of making friends were small, but I quickly found a group of people that had similar interests. I was finally happy; I had friends, an amazing house, and a backyard the size of a football field. It had a privacy fence, which was perfect for my friends’ masquerades and fantasy adventures. These were the things that made me happy, well for a time anyway.

(Why should we care? LARPing is probably one of the worst things you can do in your own backyard and if you are well enough off it could be embarrassing to do that sort of thing. Wait, embarrassing for any normal people... Let alone probably same class (upper middle/upper class) kids who just magically like to LARP when you cannot usually get one, let alone two to do this with outside of a probably adult group.)

Now I find myself wondering if I will be graced with waking up in the morning. At least that’s how they put it, I don’t find it funny though.. When they first arrived, I was scared of them. What twelve year old girl wouldn’t be? They brought us to our first contact with their kind, well I guess that’s not correct, my first contact.

(Cliche bit.)

They were what we humans would normally call “Werewolves” in a very loose translation of the term. Yes they were wolves, but had no human blood. Big, is a good word to describe them as well, really big, as in truck big. If you’re scared now, I would suggest you stop reading, because it gets worse, much worse.

(So cliche and this diary style makes me want to smash my head into the keyboard with 'If you’re scared now, I would suggest you stop reading, because it gets worse, much worse.'. I'm not kidding, that is perhaps the worst line you can write. Just like a Goosebumps cliffhanger, it ain't funny. Especially with childish description and no mood. Unless you call 'I'm reading yer diary-heehee' a mood.)


Wintermanes, that’s what they told me to call them back then. I have since learned in the following years, that it is a mistake to knowingly do otherwise. When they first came, they were only seeking a temporary shelter. They came to like it though, and they grew close to us. I grew close to one in particular, her name was Irisa. She, in relative years, is the same age as I am.

(How about using that instead of Werewolf? 'knowingly do otherwise' so wait, I'm guessing that they don't kill you if you find out about them, at least typically?)

I was sad when she first left with her pack; I thought they were leaving for good. When the Wintermanes returned the next winter I was, to say the least, overjoyed. We acted similarly in a sense. She was frail, and pale in contrast to the rest of her kind, as was I. She was fascinated with the human world, a world she was forced to hide from, I was fascinated with her world, a world my father told me was too dangerous to frequent. We would exchange our stories with each other, and as always, we dreamed and fantasized over them.

(If the worlds are culturally separate why do the live physically close to one another? It seems like a bad excuse to start the story.)

Unfortunately, this is the only good thing I can find in the Wintermanes. Father let them stay, which brought us danger. Irisa had informed during their first stay, that they were important in their world, dignitaries for a dying empire. Many times has their being here brought would be murderers, and assassins to our door.

(Dignitaries for an empire. So you mean a bunch of kingdoms of wintermanes exist? I'd have gone with tribe and simply used exiled federation nobles... still the premise is really a bad one. Especially if the two which aren't supposed to co-exist are co-existing despite clear danger.)

Little did they know that Eramet traveled with the family, little time did they have to realize it before they found their faces being crunched between the teeth of the monstrous bear. I liked him as well, he seemed scary, but was only a lumbering softy to those he enjoyed being with.

(What? I don't think I should be confused and laughing.)

Alright... I am not so hot for the diary thing. I don't like the load of cliches and the lack of understanding of the Wintermane world on your part. It sounds like Harry Potter for the worlds, they both exist yet both don't like one another. Harry Potter was bad enough, nothing that simple pistol couldn't take care of for both worlds, let alone the all too frequent magical mishaps supposedly able to bring ruin to the wizarding world if 'muggles' found out.

You don't have much information and just end on nothing. Its a bit awkward as a whole and short to go on much, but from the form its not great. I'd rethink the way the world works and then make drastic changes to how the meeting happened and under what circumstances could possibly bring these two worlds together.

If I was something not human, and someone human found out I'd make sure I fix that person or get rid of them if it meant trusting some outsider with my family's lives. Other way around, same thing. Eat shotgun shells wintermanes! Just like the Neuroi, co-existance doesn't matter when someone else sees you as a monster. Humans cannot even coexist how can you expect humanoid wintermanes and this world? That sort of logic has led to the destruction of many and for far lighter reasons.