Young Writers Society

The prologue and setting and some plot details of a Novel i have begun to write. Feel free to be very harsh please!

Edit: I have completely re-written the Prologue, so now i am just looking for which one is better. The new prologue is told in the first person in journal form. First person is not how the story is told, so I'm not sure if it would fit. Also, do i need quotes for the new one? He isn't speaking, but I'm still just not sure.

Don't worry, no spoilers, i just wanted to make the page more accessible, i know some people hate having long pages to scroll through.

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Old

[spoiler]The Great War started as a small land dispute, but eventually engulfed the world, and burned much of it. When Britain was drawn into the war it was because they had been invaded by the Gerheliisi, the great state that at one point had been Germany, Holland and Switzerland. The area around London was decimated by the steam tech of the Gerheliisi, and the city was set to be destroyed until London somehow gained and made enough of its own, more powerful, steam tech to push back the invading nation, and keep them out for many years to come.

During the Great War London was split into two halves, Upper London, and Lower London, two very different places. Upper London was the hub of the rich and well to do, Lower London, partially destroyed and filthy from the war, housed the Militia, a ruthless gang of thugs who ran the poor’s lives. The slavers also inhabited Lower London, filthy mercenaries and cannibals that would skin you alive to make a few clicks or feed.

What keeps the Upper city safe from the Lower are the Claymores, a group of armored protectors, even acting as the queen’s royal guard. Equipped with advanced armor developed for the Great War they were almost unstoppable, and very few dared oppose them. The Claymores ruled, and while some were saints, others were demons, corrupt and evil. Everybody loved them, and everybody hated them, but there would be no London without them.

The Outlanders were former members of the Claymores, now outcast for believing in different goals than the Claymores. They now oppose the Claymores in all ways, and constantly skirmish with them on the borders of the city. Their base is located on a broken down Goliath outside the city, a proverbial paradise for gambling, and their source of income. Goliaths were giant walking tanks, which looked somewhat similar to an elephant. The Goliath being left after the war, they refitted and reinforced the hulking tank into a fortress.

Lainin (Lain-yin) Thoams (Tomes), a Collector, is a mercenary for hire that will find whatever, or whoever, he is hired to find. He lives in Upper London and has recently accepted a job to find a watch. He first assumed it to be a normal watch, maybe a left behind family heirloom of his employer. When he fails his mission to find the watch however, he is accused of being a thief and must run for his life.[/spoiler]

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New

[spoiler]

06/08/1853

Dear Journal,

When the Great War started, I wasn’t born, and I wouldn’t be born until about twenty years after it ended. I’m told that it started with the Gerheliisi, the combined nations of Germany, Holland, and Switzerland. They had a land dispute with the Polish, which started small skirmishes along the borderlands. After the Polish asked for help from the other surrounding countries, the Gerheliisi met strong resistance. Shortly after, the Gerheliisi withdrew and held only the borderlines of their own country.

When all thought that the war was over, they reemerged with a new type of technology. They called it Steam Tech, many nations had been establishing their own industrial steam power, but not at such an immense scale. They had turned the power to extremely small scale uses. The most prominent of this technology was Steam Armor, as resistant as diamonds, and as agile as an athlete.

Many homes and lands were ravished under the iron foot of the Gerheliisi with this new technology. London was invaded a few years after war started, and the city was held under siege for about six years. Half the city was destroyed before London had the power to fight back. It’s said that the city was being approached by a Goliath, when from Whitechapel, the main base of the London army, emerged a huge gun. My mother used to tell me that as a little girl she watched the gun fire that day, and the cannon as they called it, fired in the twilight of dawn, and shined golden upon the city.

Our nation had discovered its own Steam Tech, and with it came Steam Armor, more powerful then the Gerheliisi’s. The Gerheliisi were repelled from Britain in the following months, and the nation could now start its recovery. After a few years, when my parents were about my age now, a group of outcasts left the defenders of the city. The defenders had come to be known as Claymores, for the Giant Swords they wore on their backs. They outcasts came to be known as the Outlanders, for where they now lived, and for their goals, to expand Britain outside its natural borders.

They made efforts to take London frequently, and still do. Their refuge outside of the city was the fallen Goliath, re-fitted into a fortress of innumerable size. Although my father had said they were never enough for the Claymores, even with the same technology. It has now been roughly nineteen years since that day, and here I am, making an illegal living, struggling to keep it going, and trying not to die along the way.

- Lainin Thoams

[/spoiler]

Thanks to yrclever for inspiring the re-write.