Young Writers Society

Hey! I'll be your critic today

March 28th, 2015 A.D, 3:15 P.M, Earth


“What information have you gathered about the traveler?”

“W-well sir you see…”

“Spit it out cur!”

“Sir, we believe the traveler is a friend of Ayn.” The nervous guard finished, standing as stiff and straight as a tower of stone.

“I see. Ready the guard, we leave immediately.”

“Yes sir.” He said as he saluted. He turned and opened the old oak door to the hallway, an uneasy feeling stirring in his guts.

Good job till now... opening with dialogue and keeping the reader interested. The only thing I would like to point out is that maybe it would be better to add some description to get into the story more.

Marken (March), 234 P.V.V (Praeter Vis Vires [Latin] or After Powers), Chelen Cathen, Outer Rim Sector, Andromeda Galaxy, 2.89 Light years from Earth



“Why did they choose us?” Jensen asked himself under his breath. He ducked in cover and pushed his fingers into his ears as a screamer mortar came whirling into his squads cover. He stood and kicked the vibrating shell back into open ground, which was immediately eradicated as the enemies auto fire cannons blasted away. He leaped back into cover as two tracer shells whizzed past him, catching and burning a hole in his sleeve.


“Squad,” their commander yelled “fall back, we have lost this battle!” His voice muffled by his filtration mask. A Whisp Rider had made it through the artillery shells; it was waiting to carry them to safety. He watched as his team piled into the vehicle, bouncing and lowering slightly each time one jumped in. He turned back to the direction of the battlefield, rifle up, waiting to take the life of any enemy that dared come after them. He waited for the call to the ship; instead he was joined by two of his comrades. I got a bit confused here because you first you go from this description about the team going into their vehicles and suddenly you go: 'he' and it's wierd because you're not sure who the 'he' is... I think you should put a name instead.This is just my opinion though.


“They were going to leave you Jensen, not enough room.” Jonas Kervan, 2nd Lieutenant, and his best friend, said. Jensen looked back to see the Rider moving away on the billowing clouds of whisps that hung on the air. Anger rose up into his vocal cords, and he evoked a scream, almost a roar.


“We volunteered to stay, others did as well, but they took off too quickly.” The other said, Chase Redding, Private, a rookie that should have never had to see the grunge of battle.I found this bit confusing: 'The other said, Chase Redding, Private, a rookie ...' There are way too many commas and it all sounds off when you read it. I would divide this into smaller sentences Jensen rubbed his dirt filled face, his pale green eyes standing out against it. There was no doubt their enemies had seen the Whisper, as the soldiers would call it, riding away.


“Okay boys, I suppose we're stuck now.” Jensen said.


“You sure sir? We could make a run for it.” Jonas suggested.


“Even riskier than fighting, we might as well kill ourselves.” Chase said. Jensen wondered why that kid had even been sent here, he was meant for schooling, and he was too bright to be killed now.


“No choice men, looks like we have to test the new gear.”


“You mean the breathers?” Chase asked.


“Yeah, get your masks off.”


“See you if we wake up guys. What do you mean here? Did not really seem to make sense. ” This time it was Jonas, his voice cracked with fear.


“You too Jonas.” Chase replied.


“Wake up boys; I don’t want to die alone.” Jensen said as he removed his filtration mask. The whisps in the air quickly filled his mouth and he choked on the heavy material. He could hear Jonas and Chase choking as well, gasping for air. He heard Jonas drop to the ground, with Chase following quickly.


Jensen laid down of his own will, and wondered if the apparatuses would work, new experimental biotechnology designed to turn the heavy whisps of Chelen Cathen into breathable air. His thoughts were pessimistic as his eyes faded to black. He wondered what dying would feel like.

Great ending... Cliffhanger

Thanks guys, this was about ten minutes of writing. Good reviews so far I think

I guess I really do need to describe the land and people more, but I'm not sure how to fit it in without it seeming as if I'm intentionally just adding stuff to describe.

Heyy! to me this should probably go to science fiction but its up to you of course! I got a little lost at some parts. Especially when it jumped right from bombs to all of a sudden their talking about chemicals and your thinking that a character is still a rookie... don't be afraid to slow down if it ends up being a little to slow you can always rewrite it.

Hey this is really interesting. I definatly get those same ideas when I have writers block for other stories. I have at least four stories started that haven't been worked on since i thought of them hah.

Anyways, I think this does sounds more science fiction and not fantasy fiction. But I guess I don't know exactly where the story is headed yet so you can make your best decision on that.

There wasn't much i found wrong with it, and im not one for finding all the nit-picky things. It was good, the setting(yeah i dont know what to call it either) helped show where everything was happening.

The poem is all the way italisised by the way.

Well I didn't really see anything too bothersome. I liked it and I hope you find time to keep going with this idea, it has serious potential.

Keep Writing!

Hello! I'm your reviewer today, but don't worry if I get into nit-picky mode. Okay, shall I get started?

“Yes sir.” He said as he saluted.

He ducked in cover and pushed his fingers into his ears as a screamer mortar came whirling into his squads cover.

His voice was muffled by his filtration mask.

A Whisp Rider had made it through the artillery shells; it was waiting to carry them to safety.

“We volunteered to stay, others did as well, but they took off too quickly.” The other said,

“Okay boys, I suppose we're stuck now.” Jensen said.
“You sure sir? We could make a run for it.” Jonas suggested.
“Even riskier than fighting, we might as well kill ourselves.” Chase said.

This time it was Jonas, his voice cracked with fear.

“Wake up boys; I don’t want to die alone.” Jensen said as he removed his filtration mask.

I wasn't sure whether or not this would be fantasy fiction or science fiction, so I decided for here, as the story goes more that way right now.

Not sure why the poem only italicizes on the first line, tried fixing it, but to no avail..so ignore that.