Robbery

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

They say when you think you about to die or have a near death experience, your whole life flashes back in your head. I disagree. The only thought my mind is producing at the moment is the question of whether or not the tall man next to me wearing a balaclaver over his face is going to pull the trigger on the gun being forcefully pushed in to my temple. Although I feel confused and light headed, causing my vision to become blurry, my shaky body manages to keep itself upright. I feel like my airways are closing as I am having great difficulty trying to breathe properly. " If you yell for help, I am going to pull this trigger, " he leans in and spits in my ear as if the words tasted filthy in his mouth. Another man stands in front of my jewellery draw and empties it into a large plastic garbage bag. I dare turn around when I hear a shoe loudly stomping on the polished wood hallway floor. Outside, dark rain clouds threaten to capture the remains of sunlight, and I know that this isn't going to end well.

Wow, the beginning really pulls you in. The details within the scenario are great, I was able to picture the entire scene playing out in my head quite smoothly. Well, not smoothly for the man being threatened at gun point of course. It also ended on a great note making me want to know more about what happens next. That being said, the story is very gripping and I think it would make an excellent short story if it were expanded upon.

Hello! I love the beginning, really draws the reader in. You did a very nice job setting the scene and giving it its emotion. You could indent whenever you have dialouge. I like the descriptive words, they are used quite excellently. Not to be rude or anything, but did you mean drawer, instead of draw? Very nice sentence structure and an overall good job.

Hello Matisse

I love the hook! It seems like the kind of line that would be read aloud by a main character to start a thriller-type movie. One nitpick (that has now been addressed in another comment ) is that I think you need to add an 'are' in there for it to make sense ("[...] when you think you (are) about to die [...]") There are also a few spellings errors that have already been pointed out in other comments, so make sure to go through and edit!

Another thing: usually the expression "your whole life flashes 'before your eyes'" is used instead of 'back in your head', the latter sounding a bit awkward to me. If you are trying to make it a bit different than the usual, continue on with whatever you like.

Your second sentence is quite jam-packed with description! But, it creates strong, clear imagery, so I won't protest too much with the fact that it is a bit lengthy. One suggestion to make it flow better at the beginning is that I think you can rearrange it to something like "In this moment, the only thought on my mind is the question [...]" so as to remove the repetition of 'is'.

You don't need the spaces between the quotation marks and the word they are enclosing. Also, generally, a line of speech should begin on a new line. Plus, the way you have it written afterwards ('he leans in and spits in my ear as if the words tasted filthy in his mouth') does not seem structurally correct. You could fix that by removing the 'leans in and' and adding a comma after ear.

"[...] empties it into a large plastic garbage bag." To be honest, you don't need both 'plastic' and 'garbage' to describe the bag. It is usually implied that a garbage bag is plastic, so you don't need to mention that. Or, you could just describe the bag as plastic. Either way, make sure you don't use too many unnecessary adjectives; they only cause the story to become wordy (which actually might be something you like, and in that case, it's cool).

Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece (it had great situational description!), even though it was quite short. It almost feels incomplete because of its length. I understand if you don't want to expand upon the situation because you want to write about that brief yet excruciatingly long moment of a near-death experience. Nonetheless, I think the story would have a greater impact if you at least went into even more detail on the emotion of the narrator.

Most of this review is made up of suggestions, so feel free to ignore them. Great job here and good luck with future writing!

Maverick

Hmm... good! I especially like the line: "The only thought my mind is producing at the moment is the question of whether or not the tall man next to me wearing a balaclaver over his face is going to pull the trigger on the gun being forcefully pushed in to my temple." However it's a bit wordy... and I think you may mean "balaclava" instead of "balaclaver" -it's also a run on. Nonetheless, I like it ^_^

"Outside, dark rain clouds threaten to capture the remains of sunlight, and I know that this isn't going to end well." -Nice.

A few issues:

-"They say when you think you about to die or have a near death experience, your whole life flashes back in your head." Do you mean "They say when you think you're about to die or have a near death experience, your whole life flashes back in your head." ? ("you're" could also be "you are") Here we have wordiness again. Remember less can be more! How about something along the lines of: "They say when you're about to die your whole life flashes before your eyes." ? (Please fix to your own liking!)

-"Although I feel confused and light headed, causing my vision to become blurry, my shaky body manages to keep itself upright." "causing my vision to become blurry" really isn't needed. I know you want to be descriptive, but it seems unnecessary.

- "I feel like my airways are closing as I am having great difficulty trying to breathe properly." Hmm... you may want to reword this.

-"he leans in and spits in my ear as if the words tasted filthy in his mouth." Ooh! I like this. It sounds a little gross -but! My problem here is again, the wording. "He leans in and spits the words in my ear as if they tasted filthy in his mouth." (I'm being picky though -sorry!- It'd probably be fine if you kept it.)

-"Another man stands in front of my jewellery draw and empties it into a large plastic garbage bag." (See comment below)

Meh heh heh... There may be some other problems as well, but I won't get into those. Please reread your work and check for errors -and keep writing!

I really like how you described this situation. It would be really scary and this creates a very nice image of what is going on. One thing you might want to fix. When you say ". Another man stands in front of my jewellery draw." I think you mean "jewelry" instead of jewellery. and "drawer" instead of draw. Any way I love how it starts. It gets the reader in the mood and really brings out the near death experience part.