It feels like days that my body has been tossed around like a helpless puppet in the freezing water. As my muscles power rapidly deteriorates, the liquid swallows up half of my head, causing me to tilt back my heavy head in order to breathe effectively. Every so often I am forced underwater, before I resurface gasping for precious air. As the frightening night nears, my greatest fear is what lurks in the deep, darknworld below my feet. The water so cold around my useless body makes me feel numb. With the burning sensation of salty water caught in the back of my throat, my mind drops any idea of escaping this terrifying location. I think of my family back home- safe, thinking i'm having the time of my life. Knowing I have no chance of survival, I close my eyes and allow the water to push me down to my death...
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Hello there, and happy review day!
I think that JohnLocke1 pretty much covered all the grammatical nitpicks, so I'll review content.
Wow, this seems like a pretty suspenseful opening! The way you use words to describe what's happening is beautiful. You obviously have a wonderful grasp of the age-old rule of showing and not telling. I can tell that the character is drowning without you flat-out saying that he/she is drowning. I feel like this is what might go through the head of someone who's drowning. I can feel the panic of the speaker, and then the acceptance when he/she decides to let the water take them. On the last line, you don't need an ellipses. A period will do nicely. I like how you just throw us right into the situation. It had my attention immediately. Good job, apart from nitpicky things that have already been pointed out! Keep on writing!
Thanks very much. Such positive feedback is always encouraging!
its really good so far sounded more like a poem then a intro but still a bloody good poem there was 1 part i didn't get they were (The water so cold around my useless body makes me feel numb) the way you writ that didn't make sense and the sentence (the liquid swallows up half of my head, causing me to tilt back my heavy head ) i suggest not putting head twice in a sentence
thankyou for your feedback
Hello, my friend.
First, Welcome to the Young Writers Society! Trust me, you will enjoy your time here. But, back to your short story. This rather reminded me of a poem, and you might consider transforming it into such.
Second, some grammatical things:
You are missing some punctuation here, "As my muscles' power..."
I think you fumbled around with some words here, "...in the deep, dark world..." Or something along those lines.
Third, some stylistic suggestions:
I would advise against using the word "head" twice in this sentence. It ruins the flow of your writing.
This did not make any sense to me. I have no idea what you are trying to say. Did you mean, "The water so cold around my useless body, it makes me feel numb."
Besides that, I have no other real criticism.
Overall, quite a frightening, well-crafted piece of writing. I would recommend transforming this into a poem . It would be dark, lyrical, and stunning. I hope you enjoy your time here at YWS. If you ever need someone to read your work, I will be right there. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Thank you very much for your feedback I will take that into consideration
Matisse... I do so love his paintings, my friend.
If you want advice on the draft, I would definitely post it here. However, it comes down to how comfortable you feel with others seeing the piece. But rest assured, my friend, your work is safe here.