I think that there are parts of this poem that definitely need work, but I was in a playful mood this morning, so I decided to write this, in the hope that its good. Please review, and tell me what you think.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
There once lived a queen
In a distant land,
Who pricked her finger
“Ouch, that was my goddamn hand.”
It was then,
When she finally stayed still,
She saw the blood on the snow
That had fallen on the ebony window sill.
“Oh hell,” she said,
“Oh I wish I could grow,
A daughter with lips as red as blood
whose skin shall be as white as snow.”
“But one more condition,
would make her whole.
With her hair's color as ebony black,
She'd be right up there in the princes shoal.”
But my dear friends,
When you make a wish,
I would advise some caution indeed, For
When the daughter was born, the queen was dead as a fish.
The girl Snow White,
Grew up way too fast.
When the King married a hag,
She doubted she would last.
The hag wasn't a beast,
Oh yes she was pretty.
Her mirror told her,
“Oh hell are you nitty.”
But sooner than later
Snow White turned seven.
Around the time,
That the hag decided to send her to heaven.
The hag asked the mirror
Who truly owned beauty.
But the mirror responded,
“Snow white – What a cutie.”
The vain old hag,
just wanted to win.
One way to do this,
Was to slit Snow White's chin.
The axeman she hired,
Turned out very bad.
He fell in love with the slut,
That stupid damn cad.
He told Snow White to run away,
A bunch of cretins gave her a home,
But these miserable shorties
Made her, a princess, work like a garden gnome.
The hag asked the mirror time again,
Who truly owned beauty,
The Mirror responded once again,
“Snow white, what a cutie!”
The witch found a grumpy dwarf
who knew about Snow White.
Unintentionally, of course,
The grumpy short cretin, started one hell of a fight.
Dressed as an old woman,
The hag arrived at the door,
holding an apple in her hand,
Snow White, naïve as she was, ate it right up to the core.
That little ungrateful slut of a girl,
Let the apple go to her head.
Instead of thanking the hag,
She decided she'd be better off dead.
But what made matters worse,
Was this vain, self-righteous prince,
Who fell in love with her body
Despite her being mince.
The prince stole the body
From those poor short men,
And handed her over to his slaves,
Who would carry her to the prince's den.
But the princes slaves,
believe it or not,
were even less intelligent than him. For behold somehow,
They fished her out from her destiny to rot.
The stupid clots,
Clumsily fell,
Snow white, dead as she was,
vomited up the apple, core, seed, and shell.
Then the worst happened.
The slut awoke,
The peace of her absence,
had long since been broke.
She seduced the prince, and married him,
She made him think that she wanted to shag,
When in truth what she really wanted,
Was to kill the old hag.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good one! You've done anice job with narration and that stuff, and the ending is really funny. However, you've done a teeny error that you've made some lines too long, while some too short. That gives the poem a mismatched sense. But your poem, your choice.
You might want to edit the poem for some minor grammar errors, but they're barely drastic, so the poem is fine like this too.
Keep it up!
Very entertaining!
'The hag asked the mirror
Who truly owned beauty.
But the mirror responded,
“Snow white – What a cutie.”' <--- this is my favorite line. very clever wording. it made me smile. =)
I agree with what the other 2 critiques say about having certain lines that are too long. It sounds rushed, not rythmic, so i'd try to fix that. (The specific places have already been pointed out.)
In my opinion, i think this poem would be just as cute and funny without the swearing. However, it currently has a definite flavor, so if that's what you're going for, then well done. Otherwise, you could go for a harmlessly humorous feel by emitting some of the language. Just a thought.
And i guess this last part isn't so much a critique, but it took me a long time to figure out that the 'slut' was actually 'snow white.' I think it's because all the fairy tales and such put her in such a different light that it didn't occur to me. The way you portray her is unique, therefore interesting to read. I just thought i'd put it out there for comprehension's sake, that i didn't quite get it right away.
Nice job overall. muy enjoyable!
oh, and by the way, i actually kind of liked the 'dead as a fish' line. Not because it necessarily makes sense, but it was funny, and it matched the rest of the poem that way.
Very entertaining!
'The hag asked the mirror
Who truly owned beauty.
But the mirror responded,
“Snow white – What a cutie.”' <--- this is my favorite line. very clever wording. it made me smile. =)
I agree with what the other 2 critiques say about having certain lines that are too long. It sounds rushed, not rythmic, so i'd try to fix that. (The specific places have already been pointed out.)
In my opinion, i think this poem would be just as cute and funny without the swearing. However, it currently has a definite flavor, so if that's what you're going for, then well done. Otherwise, you could go for a harmlessly humorous feel by emitting some of the language. Just a thought.
And i guess this last part isn't so much a critique, but it took me a long time to figure out that the 'slut' was actually 'snow white.' I think it's because all the fairy tales and such put her in such a different light that it didn't occur to me. The way you portray her is unique, therefore interesting to read. I just thought i'd put it out there for comprehension's sake, that i didn't quite get it right away.
Nice job overall. muy enjoyable!
oh, and by the way, i actually kind of liked the 'dead as a fish' line. Not because it necessarily makes sense, but it was funny, and it matched the rest of the poem that way.
Very entertaining!
'The hag asked the mirror
Who truly owned beauty.
But the mirror responded,
“Snow white – What a cutie.”' <--- this is my favorite line. very clever wording. it made me smile. =)
I agree with what the other 2 critiques say about having certain lines that are too long. It sounds rushed, not rythmic, so i'd try to fix that. (The specific places have already been pointed out.)
In my opinion, i think this poem would be just as cute and funny without the swearing. However, it currently has a definite flavor, so if that's what you're going for, then well done. Otherwise, you could go for a harmlessly humorous feel by emitting some of the language. Just a thought.
And i guess this last part isn't so much a critique, but it took me a long time to figure out that the 'slut' was actually 'snow white.' I think it's because all the fairy tales and such put her in such a different light that it didn't occur to me. The way you portray her is unique, therefore interesting to read. I just thought i'd put it out there for comprehension's sake, that i didn't quite get it right away.
Nice job overall. muy enjoyable!
oh, and by the way, i actually kind of liked the 'dead as a fish' line. Not because it necessarily makes sense, but it was funny, and it matched the rest of the poem that way.
4/10 ---JUST FOR MAKE ME LAUGH...
Seriously? No one has reviewed this yet?
Ah, this was great. Good job. All my suggestions are above.