Young Writers Society

This sounds like a Zack de la Rocha song. It shows emotion and personality.

This sounds very bigoted. that's all i have to say

Not really original..it's just the same "America is bad" crap that's been done over and over so many times that it's just comes out pathetic and overly cliched.

Sorry, if my review is a bit harsh

Hey Adam!

Okay, this lyrical piece has a lot going for itself. The hate, disgust and torment all very blunt and unabashedly portrayed (which I'm sure you've done intentionally ). It's out-right and isn't sorry about it. Guts and glory is what you want from this. So let's see how it fares according to its pros and cons...

The Pros

This is loud and very crisp. I can understand its purpose and its way of delivery. True to its title, it doesn't let up with the descriptions that you've laid out. I can feel this coming from a sort of rap, with lots of beats. And in my head, when I imagine it that way, it really does sound good. You've spoken about the issues people face everyday but try to avoid being affected the best they can. The stereotypical cliched ideology of certain sects of people who think the way they do and the ramifications of that skewed thinking is brought about well here. As per the way you've tried to get into the mind-set of such people, I think you've just about managed to show it to its truest extent.

The Cons

I feel that since it looks like a rap, that it feels a bit shortened. You've done pretty well with getting through with the angst of the subject you were talking about, but I somehow feel that when it's ended, I find myself a bit incomplete. What I'm trying to say is, you've only managed to get one point-of-view. It would be great if you could finish off the poem with a message of hope and of a sort of 'fighting back' attitude integrated with a resounding confidence with the narrator. That way, the reader doesn't go away with the bitter taste in his/her mouth with all the negativity lashed out from the poem. It's mostly because this piece could well come into the category of writings that talk about how bad the world is and.... that's it. Give something more. Show that there's still something worth salvaging despite the horrid bleakness of it all. End it with something epic and profound so that the reader knows that you've attempted at making this piece as different and original as the person you are.

Last Words

I do believe there is potential for this. I did not mention this before, but the rhyming in this piece is great and you've blended it seamlessly with the overall tone. I may not be a fan of repetition of words and phrases here and there since they act like a lot of fillers and say the same thing over and over which is a bit off-putting too. But here, even though I did feel the same way at some parts, I still felt that much could have been gained from those words.

All in all, a fair bit of pros and cons. It's definitely not your best. That's yet to come, I believe. But I can see how far you're developing and broadening your way of writing. This is a great piece and delves into the subject without remorse. So good work and as always, keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza