z

Young Writers Society



The Softening Of The Blow

by MasterGrieves


I'm dreaming in triangle shapes
Every side is a different size
Slanted and forever changing
Everything seems quiet tonight
Perhaps it's too silent for me
I live at speeds of light and touch
Shadows always make anxious
And I've hoped a little too much

But faith doesn't have barriers
As far as I can tell I'm dead
And in every sense of the word
These noises infiltrate my head
Commands and orders led me here
As I shiver deep into the night
The last sound chills like baited breath
As soon I'm engulfed in the fight

Oh how the others don't take part
Stand up for me in times of need
Just sitting there talking nonsense
Consumed by their own wealth and greed
But the blistering wind still blows
As I lay lifeless on the floor
The strain has made me a monster
I could have saved myself before

And I disappointed myself
The last night before the bleeding
And internally I sat there
Cracking without prayers or pleading
But all I did was nod my head
Even in times when I was bored
Showed notice to suffering
This is what you call a reward?

Sure you have softened the death blow
But you only prolonged the tears
As I remain distraught and tense
Consumed by my own hopes and fears
I didn't expect much from you
Your image of a saint is false
Not only do you make hearts sink
You're always sure to stop the pulse

I did it all just for a dare
Did it all because I was bored
I stook up for you in the past
This is what you call a reward?

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
45 Reviews

Points: 2556
Reviews: 45

Donate
Fri Jul 06, 2012 3:13 pm
Jelly wrote a review...



Hi A.
Time for review spam? Time for review spam!
Overall: This is awesome. Let's just. Say it. Completely awesome. There are a lot of great lines I loved here that I'll talk about in a bit, but first I'd like to present my narrative interpretation here. I think at its core, this work is about disappointment, but most other things are variable. I like that, how it can be interpreted literally and more abstractly. Through my literal lens, I get the impression of a soldier suffering from PTSD. S/he has fought for his/her country, led my commands and orders, while others stayed back. They did it for a dare, because they were bored, they didn't expect much, but certainly not what they got. "This is what you call a reward?" I don't have personal experience, but I'm quite sure that thought is quite resonant with veterans.

Stanza 1: I love the triangle shapes thing. Absolutely love it. I always like knowing the specific quirks in the mood of a character, particularly when it's as beautiful to imagine as your passage. The details make it much, much more believable. And I also love the second part. It's a very good description of from the perspective of someone living in action, who can stand stressful and difficult situations in the light but are terrified of shadows. A lot of people can relate to that.

Stanza 2: "And in every sense of the word
These noises infiltrate my head"
Perfect.

Stanza 3: This works really powerfully assuming that this is a soldier, because we get their view on politicians.

Stanza 4: Ouch. In a good way. I'm imagining a person praying but their skin is made of cracked eggshells.

Stanza 5: I really love the second half of this stanza. "Your image of a saint is false." This is a simple, powerful statement in defiance against the collective values of a nation.
"Not only do you make hearts sink
You're always sure to stop the pulse"
Again. Perfect.

Stanza 6: Effective ending. Good use of repetition.




User avatar
1464 Reviews

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Donate
Sun Jun 24, 2012 7:40 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hi, AJ!

Ooh, [possibly] your best work? I must read it! But I have to blabber more 'cause the review appears on the front page today.

Okay! (By the way, happy Review Day!)

I'm dreaming in triangle shapes
Every side is a different size
Slanted and forever changing
Everything seems quiet tonight
Perhaps it's too silent for me
I live at speeds of light and touch
Shadows always make anxious
And I've hoped a little too much


So right off the bat! I love the first four lines. The triangle thing was seriously awesome. The second half, however, confused me greatly. Firstly, what's the speed of touch? xD How does one even live at the speed of light? I suppose that's implying time passing extremely quickly, so I'm going with it. Speed of touch, though? Secondly, grammar is still important in songs. So there should be a "me" somewhere in the seventh line. ;)

But faith doesn't have barriers
As far as I can tell I'm dead
And in every sense of the word
These noises infiltrate my head
Commands and orders led my here
As I shiver deep into the night
The last sound chills like baited breath
As soon I'm engulfed in the fight


So the last line of the first stanza was probably supposed to tie into this second stanza. However, I've no idea what the hope's trying to refer to. I mean, I currently don't see a connection with the fight in the last line here. Certainly feels like a sort of war or battle going on, which is cool. The vocabulary used to pronounce that is fantastic. Just not seeing any relation between the two stanzas yet.

But all I did was nod my head
Even in times when I was bored
Showed notice to suffering
This is what you call a reward?


The third line in this quote is off on the grammar. xD It hurt.

I did it all just for a dare
Did it all because I was bored
I stook up for you in the past
This is what you call a reward?


I like what you're doing with the last line here! It ties nicely with the song. :)

I feel like I'm leaving this song with only bits and pieces of the story. I'm not even sure what the speaker was dared to do. I'm confused. And why didn't we get more geometric shapes?! Those triangles were awesome! D:

I think there was more description here than was needed, but I liked it all. In fact, I would go so far as to agree this is one of your better pieces! It's much easier to trim down a piece than to beef it up, in my opinion. More often than not, anyway!

So yeah. I think the purple overshadowed the message, so I was having a hard time following the piece. I kept getting distracted from the main point of the song because I'm following all these metaphors and hoping that there would be some correlation among them all. More story would be nice, especially since we're getting hints like dares and boredom. I'm not quite sure what's going on, and I don't know how to relate to it because I caaan't. D:

Well done! I really liked the second-to-last stanza. That was awesome. You actually had a lot of good moments! You really did, so shaping it up is totes no problemo. Definitely do some tweaking!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Spoiler! :
Image




User avatar
27 Reviews

Points: 673
Reviews: 27

Donate
Sun Jun 10, 2012 9:26 pm
JesusLvr18 wrote a review...



This is very good! The stanzas are a bit long, though. My favorite stanza is:

Sure you have softened the death blow
But you only prolonged the tears
As I remain distraught & tense
Consumed by my own hopes and fears
I didn't expect much from you
Your image of a saint is false
Not only do you make hearts sink
You're always sure to stop the pulse


I can feel the angst driving the poem. Very good job!





Did you ever hear the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise? I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life... He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful... the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's ironic he could save others from death, but not himself.
— RazorSharpPencil