Young Writers Society

Hello.
So the concept of show and tell is not given here in the childish classroom sense of taking things in to explain them. I think this is written on a very sexual level?

If I show you my weapon,
perhaps you can show yours too.
You've got a look in your eyes,
that speak to me, "I want you".
You tease me with you laughter-
I'd hate to see you leave me.
I know that we are in love,
that you'll never decieve me.

The whole "weapon" image is a bit cliche, but this is a lot about temptation, so I will accept that you are talking in this way. The reported speech is typical of you; and it does sound almost colloquial. The teasing and the hate or all classic examples of the topic about which you're writing.

If I give you an idea,
will you come to mine tonight?
Try hard to keep your clothes on.
If not, we will see those sights.
Sights of beauty, sex, passion.
That will remain in my mind.
Don't have to picture you, babe.
You're never too hard to find.

The narrator in this poem is very creepy and attempting to be seductive and just... ewww. He is trying to seduce god knows how many people by showing them parts of his body.
All this beauty and sex stuff is very shallow and conceited in this example. XD Just yack... this person is a perv.

Let's do it.
Do it. Do it.
Do it.
Let's hope the parents don't know.

Show & tell
Prove my love
Show & tell
Natural stuff

Trying pass off being sexually exploited as natural is a bit... wrong. :/ I don't know whether the views of the narrator hold true to that of the author, but I would have given this work a ranking when submitting it.
Like 16 or something? Anyways... Keep writing.

~R

Hello again, AJ!

So I actually liked what you were doing with the verses here. In fact, the first verse was actually really awesome. It certainly tied in with the title and proved the point of the song very well.

A nitpick would be:

Show & tell
Prove my love
Show & tell
Natural stuff

The only line I don't like is the last one. Natural stuff? :/ I don't know. It's just... it feels like filler, I guess. It doesn't seem to have any meaning, and a better line could be fit here to better correlate with "show and tell" that the song's trying to explain.

The second verse seemed to have gotten carried away from the song's point. It didn't impress me as much as the first verse since it lost the whole point of show and tell. For instance:

If I give you an idea,
will you come to mine tonight?

This isn't an equal exchange. XD It made me laugh. What kind of deal is that? The person gets an idea, and in exchange, they fulfill the speaker's idea. whaaat.

Try hard to keep your clothes on

This isn't... show and tell. lol.

So I think the song started really awesome. Like I said, I really liked the opening verse. It made sense with the title and point of the song! The piece just got carried away and seemed unnecessary. It made less sense the further I read.

I would suggest reading it again and seeing if you can't bring the message in with the entirety of the song. Take a look at what you did with the beginning, and see if you can't mimic that with the rest of the song. It has potential, so keep at it!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!