Young Writers Society

Hello.
I have to say I don't understand the meaning or the significance of the title of this work.
Strangely, it was that very thing that drew me to reading it XD That and the fact you'd written it.
So...

I cross the road in hope
That I'll be noticed by you
I will do whatever
To have you in my grasp
Even if it does mean
That I will end up staring
Nothing left to do now
Except think of your ass

(So please know!) So please know I think of you
In all situations and in all rooms
I think you're sexy and I love you so
You make my broken half whole

My penis has become
A pink flag of surrender
Endless stroking at night
Has left me paralysed
It's making me nervous
I hate to be a bother
But you should read the mail
I wait for your reply

Your eyes are the same shape
Of my favourite body part
You have the curves and shape
To make me go insane
It's not masturbating
I just make love to your mind
I wish you'd never see
Me as something innane

I liked this, but it could have had more sexy stuff included it in. Keep it up, I hope you make more funny poetry by the way how old are you , i just wanted to know.

Okay, I already told you that I thought this was awesome in a awkward kinda way so I decided to review.

Because when I started reading this I had no idea what merp meant I thought from some kind of sweet love song.

"I cross the road in hope
That I'll be noticed by you"

The I got to these lines.

"Nothing left to do now
Except think of your ass"

So being totally confused I kept reading. And I liked the song. And I learned a new word!

I cross the road in hope
That I'll be noticed by you
I will do whatever
To have you in my grasp
Even if it does mean
That I will end up staring
Nothing left to do now
Except think of your ass

(So please know!) So please know I think of you
In all situations and in all rooms
I think you're sexy and I love you so
You make my broken half whole

My penis has become
A pink flag of surrender
Endless stroking at night
Has left me paralysed
It's making me nervous
I hate to be a bother
But you should read the mail
I wait for your reply

(So please know!) So please know I think of you
In all situations and in all rooms
I think you're sexy and I love you so
You make my broken half whole

Your eyes are the same shape
Of my favourite body part
You have the curves and shape
To make me go insane
It's not masturbating
I just make love to your mind
I wish you'd never see
Me as something innane

(So please know!) So please know I think of you
In all situations and in all rooms
I think you're sexy and I love you so
You make my broken half whole Okay this is perverted but good in its' own way I guess?You spelled inane,favorite and paralyzed wrong and I agree with lumi it does sound a little rape-like.Except think of your ass Well that killed the romantic theme their and kind of startled me but made me laugh.My penis has become
A pink flag of surrender Okay that is a little over the top you know?It's not masturbating
I just make love to your mind Thats a clever line.

This is great! That really is all I can say as I am lost for words!

Good morning, AJ.

This is different. I’ll admit that this is actually a bit more subtle—even more narcissistic—than most lusty poetry/lyrics out there. But hey, you’re AJ, and you don’t care. So let’s start making this better.

Immediately, in verse one, you give a very bold disconnect to the girl, not in the way that says “this girl is just a tool of sex,” but rather your narrator comes across a bit stalker-rape-y.

Your chorus/refrain/whatever you want to call it ends up being very cliché by the end, hitting the old, worn-out “broken half made whole” motif. At first, I thought this was another innuendo, so I spent several minutes trying to figure out what it would be, but no. It’s just a cliché with no sexual undertone. No complaint for that, but it’s still a cliché and should be killed.

Verse two confuses itself in the middle. You swap from talking about masturbation to asking a girl to reply to something in the post. If these two are connected, I fear for what that girl will find in the post. Keep in mind that context influences meaning, and shape it up.

In verse three, I suggest changing one of the instances of “shape” to something else to keep from being redundant. It interests me how you use the eyes as a yonic symbol, implying that the nature of your sexual desires for this girl connects to her eyes, which leads off into a strange skull fetish. It’s a possible disconnect, but also a possible connect. So. Yeah.

It’s not masturbating

Happy review day! Let's see what we can do here...

I cross the road in hope
That I'll be noticed by you
I will do whatever
To have you in my grasp
Even if it does mean
That I will end up staring
Nothing left to do now
Except think of your ass

I wish you'd never see
Me as something innane

Modern classical. You, sir, are a lyrical genius. This sounds serious, but also humorous. Grim reality concealed in a veil of humor.

....

I actually don't know what to say.
And I always have something to say.

I don't know wheter this is a good thing, or bad.
Rude words, and spelling mishaps are my Negatives.
Good punctuation is my Obvias Posative.

This was merp
To the extreme.
I loved it.