Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

16+ Language

And then it goes

by MasterGrieves


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Hopefully you will see

Hopefully you will agree

Life is shit

And you're a part of it


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
11 Reviews


Points: 146
Reviews: 11

Donate
Fri Aug 09, 2019 12:18 pm
saint1y wrote a review...



Helloooo, saint1y here to review your work.

I quickly scanned through the comments below and half of them are very negative.
I personally found this amusing and entertaining. As someone said before, I do find myself wishing it was a little longer. But i like the way it rhymed and the rhythm of it is really good. I think this would be a good ending to a longer poem, but apart from that. I like it!




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 75
Reviews: 14

Donate
Thu Aug 08, 2019 9:31 pm
Zrillis says...



I'll try my best to review this.

From my first look its nothing special, just a short fact that you see as truth. I dont find much from reading this because of its short length and lack of info. The message is straight forward which is good but I think there should be more to this.




User avatar
362 Reviews


Points: 15642
Reviews: 362

Donate
Thu Aug 08, 2019 7:44 pm
View Likes
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello! This might not be Green Room (which I usually review) but I noticed that the reviews below are either completely negative and completely positive, which provides no help whatsoever (sorry, guys). I'm here to review your short piece to help you with it even more!

Just because it's short doesn't mean it's bad or that it needs to be turned into a haiku! One of my favorite poems - Buffalo Bill's by E.E. Cummings - is very short but it still holds lots of meaning. Yeah, it's a little longer than yours, and yeah, Cummings was a professional poetist, but that doesn't mean that yours is worse or less meaningful than his. It all depends on the reader. Don't be discouraged about the negative reviews below.

Also, swear as much as you want in poetry. If you take a look at a lot of my old poetry (I was going to just say poetry, but I'm not nearly as active on here as I used to be) I used swears left and right. That doesn't mean that I'm not using - what did the review say again? - no rhyme, no heart, no emotion, and no tone. It just means that I'm expressing anger through swearing.

Well, I didn't have rhyme, since I wrote strictly lyrical poems, but you get the point.

(and don't let anyone tell you that it's too short! you can have a poem as long or as short as you want, okay?)

My big suggestion is, drum roll please, formatting! you can make your poem a lot more interesting through formatting. Instead of the generic four lines rhyming, maybe have one of them (the lines, i mean) on the right, or change the color, the font, something. a little formatting can go a long way. another example is capitalization and the use of punctuation. you can go no caps (like i'm currently doing right now, f) or full caps to convey emotion. Sadness and anger respectively.

It's all about the aesthetic (formatting helps with this), tone, and the theme/lyrics in poetry. It's not about telling a story, most of the time, like in prose. Instead, you're expressing something, and that's much different. Try to focus on what you want to say. Life is sh*t? So be it. If you're conveying that, then focus your formatting and your words around it. Maybe italicize "sh*t", or have no capitalization to show that you're disappointed in how life sucks.

(you're not allowed to swear in reviews. I very much would have liked to, but I can't, lol)

Keep in mind that these are suggestions, and in no way are you forced to follow my advice. In no way are you forced to follow their advice, either. Stay positive and stay strong, and continue to write!

Auf Wiedersehen~!

aj.




User avatar
36 Reviews


Points: 639
Reviews: 36

Donate
Thu Aug 08, 2019 6:27 pm
demoncat wrote a review...



Hello I'm demoncat here to review.

Now this poem is really funny. And very straight to the point. Although I find myself wishing it was longer. I like how it rhymed. This looks to me like it would make a cut bumper sticker. Or a button. Ooh or a tattoo. Have you told the bumper sticker and t-shirt people of you awesome poem?? I did love it. But it is very short. I hope you continue writing. Because I would like to see more poems from you.




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 8
Reviews: 42

Donate
Thu Aug 08, 2019 4:10 pm
View Likes
seekingthetruth wrote a review...



this is very short and I mean very short one of the shortest poems I seeking the truth have reviewd , this is going to be difficult but it still needs reviewing. your swearing was a mistake , it makes thiet no tone or you could not be asked to write a proper something that makes any sense , I am sorry but I cant review this properly as there is nothing to really reiview and I am oonly writing this because I need the points to write this was terrible no rhyme , no heart and no emotion which means this is just words on paper.

sorry




User avatar
248 Reviews


Points: 3998
Reviews: 248

Donate
Thu Aug 08, 2019 2:28 pm
View Likes
silented1 wrote a review...



Hopefully you will see

Hopefully you will agree

Life is shit

And you're a part of it[b] You should change this ending into something more in lines with the rest of the poem. Reason being it's hard to be a part of shit, it's not normal phrasing. Maybe you're a piece of it?


This poem is very short, making it difficult to review. Have you considered transforming it into a haiku? It could gain some much needed satisfaction because it won't be so out there and vague anymore. It would be a haiku.





I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.
— Flannery O'Connor