Nathan King was the last person who thought that something bad could happen to him. Rich and handsome he was one of the youngest CEOs of the city bank. There were humors that he has been stealing money from his clients for the past months who so unsuspiciously handed their trust. He was acting as if nothing was happening. This morning while he was putting his tie there was a news report playing in the background.
Nathan didn’t care much about who died or was going to die. His life was okay and that’s the important thing. He got out of the appartament and drove his Chevrolet Camaro to work. Approaching the building he noticed a crowd of people. All of them shouting and holding signs saying: " YOU ROBBED US! "
Security was trying to hold them off by the entrance. Nathan shrugged shoulders, smiled and went down the parking underground. He was just entering the lobby when Nigel shoved into him, while holding a pack of files.
Miss Eva was his long lasting crush since the first day he started working for him. But the fact he was just an Indian guy with really bad English and a moustache didn’t give him much courage to talk to her.
His boss smiled as if he was mocking him and raised his chin like the king he thought of himself, increasing his ego at the same time.
Nathan was going through the corridor. He headed to one of the elevators,then he noticed that one of them opened and a tall man got in. The doors were just closing in when he shouted.
And the tall guy put his black shoe on the doorstep letting him in.
The man said nothing. They were going up the floors when the little room shook. It felt like the whole building was under an earthquake when it suddenly stopped. Now the elevator was stable. But it didn’t move.
He started pushing random buttons. All of them lighted on and off after they were pressed. The guy next to him leaned his back on the wall. He was tall, with short red hair and freckles under his eyes, who were so tired that he barely could see anything. Few minutes passed. Then ten. Then an hour.
***
Nigel was just going up the stairs until he reached the secretary’s desk. Eva’s desk, behind which she was pushing furiously keys on the keyboard.
She continued to type, but Nigel was still standing in front of her.
***
The 1st hour
Nathan was searching for ways to get out. He was touching the roof for a secret door, the walls for anything inconveniently broken that can help. Mostly him, because his companion he was stuck with was just sitting on the floor. Helpless. Nathan was swearing out loud and was going back and forth to the buttons again and then back to swearing. With hands to his waist he kicked the metal doors. Nothing happened.
He looked down the other guy. Crouched next to him and said.
But the man was watching him as if Nathan wasn’t even there. The bags under his eyes and the red color inside of them made him look like he was unconscious. Nathan gave up the hope of receiving an answer and repeated the same actions as before. With every minute passing Nathan was getting fueled up. But his companion didn’t care.
The 2nd hour
Nathan opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He sat next to him with hands covering his face.
Now the so called boss really thought about what he said. He was right. Nathan really was caring more about the money than the really important things in life.
Forrest stood up as Nathan kept his eyes on him. Suddenly a pistol fell from his clothes and Nathan reached out for it. He was kicked in the head and fell on the ground. As Forrest was leaning for the gun Nathan grabbed his hand and bit him so hard that blood started to come out. He picked the gun, but the man slammed him into the wall. While he was restraining him a gunshot was heard. Forrest backed up and blood started coming out from his belly. He smiled and looked at Nathan.
Nathan looked at his bloody hands for what he has done. In the corner of the room a red dot was flashing the whole time. He looked closely and realized it was a camera.
The fat security man in charge of the CCTV just got out from the toilet when he saw what happened on one of the camera monitors. He called the police to report a murder in one of the building’s elevators and when they came they stumbled upon a guy surrounded by a lake of blood standing above a dead body. During the next hours he was in the arrest. Many questions were asked. Many unanswered. He was accused of committing multiple murders, during the past few months. Even though he refused to accept it, the gun which was used against Forrest was the same one used to commit those murders.
Saturday
Nigel was just dressing up for the date he had with Eva. He was going to take her out for a dinner when he looked at the TV’s news report and couldn’t help, but be blown away when he saw it. He took five minutes to pray on the bed. Then got out and drove his car away into the night.
Nigel left the TV on where there was a sentence saying.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi, J here for a review.
I like this story, the CEO killing the serial killer only to get blamed himself for being the murderer is one murder mystery I have never heard. But as much as I did love the story there is something that I didn't understand. The bullet points. They indicated someone speaking at the beginning but what about the last sentence, that was the news person talking not one of the main characters.
That was the only thing I found wrong with the story. Your characters were interesting without have descriptions a mile long and the plot was carried out nicely. I love the fact that Nigel gets the girl and not Nathan. The only question that you left unanswered was what happened to Forrest, he was the serial killer so what did he do after the fact? I was very invested in this story but not to the point of OH MY GOSH WHAT THE CRAP IS GONNA HAPPEN NOW. Great job on the whole Nathan learning a lesson too. Over all nice story and good characters I nitpicked as much as I could when I was reading and didn't find anything except for the bullet point mistake.
Good Job and Keep Writing!!
I'm glad you liked it
And about the bullet points there're actually something that popped up when I pasted the story from Word here. I was confused as well and tried to delete them but it didn't let me. So I left it as it was.
Hi there! So I'll start with what I think should be fixed. First off, the black dots seem to indicate that someone is speaking, but at the last sentence you used quotation marks. That was a little confusing and a little hard to read. On the sentence, "Today's morning" I don't know if this is a typo, but I would change it to "This morning." I know these are nitpicks, but I think they could really make it easier to read. The story line is pretty good, I would add maybe a little imagery if possible. That was all!
Thanks a lot! I really am going to edit those things.