Young Writers Society

How to drink without making a fool of yourself

So my learned friend, you’ve arrived at a party with friends and to your surprise large quantities of alcohol are being consumed. EVERYBODY is drinking and generally having a good time. Before you know it you have had some form of alcoholic beverage shoved into your hand by a friend followed by the words ‘Chug this’. There’s only one problem, you’ve never drank before and you don’t know what’s going to happen when you start knocking these babies back. Fret not my friend, for I am here to help. With this handy dandy guide you can have a great night without being reminded constantly that you threw up on Amy’s carpet

Rule the first – Know what you’re drinking.

Alcohol can be split into four categories

i) Beer

ii) Alcopops

iii) Spirits

iv) Wine

Now typically lads will go for the beer (like they should dammit!) and girls will down the alcopops, though it doesn’t apply to everyone, just drink what you like

Beer is there in either pints, cans or those silly blue/red plastic cups, when you first drink it you’ll think it’s disgusting but don’t let it put you off, the taste grows on you

Alcopops are things such as WKD or Bacardi Breezers. They’re vile things with a squirt of vodka and the rest compromising of various brightly coloured chemicals

Spirits are drinks such as vodka, whiskey, scotch, gin etc. You’ll be drinking them in shots and they burn your chest like nothing else! It’s like drinking petrol or kerosene so if you’re a first time drinker avoid ALL spirits! You’ll end up legless after just a few shots

Wine is fruity and rather tasty. But you wont need much of it to get very drunk. It’s a step down from the paint stripping intensity of spirits, but I can’t see you being at a party where people are drinking wine.

Right, now that you know what your drinking its time to learn a drinks value

A shot (25ml) is 1 unit

So is your generic alcopop

And half a pint

As well as 125ml of Wine

Rule the first – Know your limits

Drink too much and you’ll be sick or pass out. This will probably happen to you since it’s your first time, but its best to try and avoid it as it’s just no fun L

First, drink about 4 units. And do it slowly, otherwise you’ll empty your guts. Feeling fine or are you getting tipsy?

Now go drink some water and eat something, just to sober up a bit. If you feel you can manage more, do so. Just make sure you can walk ‘cos then you know enough’s enough when your tripping over your shoelaces

Having a good time depends on you spreading out the drinking over the whole of the night, otherwise your pissed an hour after you arrived and you spend the next 4 hours making a tit out of yourself

How much you can knock back is dependant on your weight, height, metabolism and whether you have a full stomach or not. So eat before you go out.

Rule the first – Know what not to do

DO NOT

- Dance, unless it’s a party where everyone is dancing

- Talk to the person you fancy. You’ll just end up embarrassing yourself

- Go near a drunk person of the opposite sex. If you get off with them while drunk, much embarrassment and avoiding eye contact follows.

- Get the weed out. There’s a time and a place for smoking it, and it’s not while your pissed, save it till another time. It wont be bad for you, but it’ll just add to your general confusion

- Go outside into the streets. You’ll could end up getting into trouble, so best stay where the parties at.

- Piss yourself. Alcohol is basically treated as poison to your body, so it’s flushed from your system much quicker than water. This means you’ll be going to the toilet pretty often

So now that you know what to do, try and remember it and have the best time possible