z

Young Writers Society


12+

Dark Flare chapter 1 - Pt 2

by Mason


Continues right away from chapter 1 - pt 1. I highly encourage you to read the first part. 

“Who are you?”

The boy up on the stage said, bending over.

“I’m Cairo”

I said in a small voice. My heart was pounding as I moved my gaze up. I never tried to start a conversation with anyone and it always made me feel uneasy. These boys had no idea who I was. Maybe this could be an opportunity for me. Maybe for the first time in my life, I could try making some friends in America.

“So… um, what are you guys doing and how do you play?”

I asked, moving my gaze back to the ground.

“What do you mean, what are we doing? Don’t tell me you don’t know how to play Flare Taiming”

The boy said quite aggressively. I responded with my head shaking side to side. The boy smirked down at me.

“Hey guys, this loser doesn't know what Flare Taming”

A laugh swept across the boys as they looked at me with teasing eyes. An anger burst out of me as I crawled up onto the stage and looked at the boy straight.

“How about you teach me how to play and we talk after I destroy you”

I hissed at him, trying to sound intimidating as possible. My Dad always told me that if I get into a fight, I must intimate my opponent first to take advantage. The boy looked down at me for a few seconds and laughed.

“Looks like we have a tough guy here. Zac, give me your headband and your ZAP.”

The boy ordered as he snatched the headband with a button on it and a weird blue ball from another boy's hands. He handed them over to me and I put on the headband. It was made out of elastic rubber and was surprisingly light.

“Start the game”

The boy said once more in an ordering tone.

“But you didn’t teach him anything.”

One of the boys complained.

“Shut up, he can learn as he gets destroyed by me”

He replied as one of the other boys obeyed his orders and pressed the button on the stage. A could hear the same rumbling sound as a wall formed on the stage. Blue electricity slowly covered the ground and touched my feet. At that moment, a surge of energy went up my veins like a lightning bolt. It was something I’d never seen, heard, or done before. A power, so much power, and energy. I smiled as I closed my eyes and felt the energy surge through my body, muscles tensing up. The blue ball slowly changed its shape and turned into a spear-shaped object. However this time, the spear turned into dark purple instead of blue. I smiled excitedly as I looked at the boy. A confidence I never felt before took in. I felt like I could do anything and everything.

“What the… how did you?”

The boy across me said, eyes wide. My instincts told me that all I need to do is press the button on my opponent’s head. With this much power, it seemed to be a piece of cake. Without saying a word, I ran across the stage and closed my distance with the boy. I instinctively threw the spear aiming directly at the boy's head and the next thing I knew, the game was over. The spear transformed into a ball-shaped object and rolled onto the ground. I felt a surge of energy draining back out of me. I wanted more of it, I wanted to absorb everything that was in this stage.

The boy who just went up against me was on the ground, holding his right arm high, covering his face. I could see a cut on the boy’s arm, dripping red blood onto the floor. A sense of conquest swooped into me as I smiled passionately down at the bleeding boy. Yet, the expression on the boy’s face was not something I expected. It wasn’t an angry or defeated feeling. It was utter fear and disbelief.

“You cheated on the game?”

The boy said, still laying on the ground, looking at his bleeding arm. Is he seriously trying to accuse me of cheating? Before I could say anything else, all the other boys ran up to the stage and surrounded my opponent. They are staring at me with wide eyes.

“A cheater, freak, monster!”

One of the boys screamed out loud, unexpectedly. Each word flew into my heart and embedded itself into it. If these kids start hating me as well, my only opportunity of making friends would fly away. Even worse, I might not be able to play this sport anymore.

“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t know that…”

I tried to argue but it was no use. They were never going to look at me the same way ever again.

“Look at his clothes, does he live under a bridge or something?”

All the boys burst out in laughter, pointing at me. The same smile that I receive all the time at school. I pitied myself for thinking that I could fit in with these kids. Without turning my head once, I ran all the way back to my house and hid myself under the covers. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just fit in like everyone else? I questioned myself. I was never mean to anyone or did anything wrong. My Father was right, I really did live in a different world with all those rich Californian kids. They will never understand me and I will never understand me. Yet, I knew that my Father would understand me. The thought of talking about the new discovery I made to Dad made my lips twitch up. Even though he told me not to go downtown, I’m sure he will be proud of me. I could not forget the feeling of energy flowing through my body; however, I knew better than to go back there. Once my Dad finds out about this, he would take me there with him and those boys won’t be able to do anything. What was the name again?

‘Flare Taming’

The kid who went up against me said. The name sounded awfully familiar to me. I probably heard some kids at my school talking about it and never paid attention. Whatever it was, it was something special. Something that will change my life forever. I was more certain than ever.

Time flew by and it was finally the day my Dad came home. The sound of him walking into the gateway was simply music to my ears. I ran out and threw myself into Dad as he hugged me tight.

“Good afternoon Cairo. How has it been?”

Dad said in Japanese.

“Great! I actually have something really cool to tell you about!”

I replied in Japanese, eager to tell him about the Flare Taming.

“I can’t wait to hear it. But first, let me fix ourselves some dinner”

After we ate dinner, we sat on the porch. Dad encouraged me to talk about what I was trying to tell him earlier. I told him about how I felt trapped, how I started running, how I met that weird old man, and how I ended up in the park. Words just flew out of my mouth. I usually don’t talk much and talking this much in a short period of time made my throat hurt. I told him about the Flare Taming and how it made me feel special. After I was done talking, I looked up at Dad, hoping for some positive comments. However, what I saw in his eyes was anger and strong determination.

“Cairo, I want you to listen to me carefully”

He said in a cold voice. He was angry, angrier than ever. However, it was not towards me.

“I want you to forget what you saw that day. Just forget it….”

He hesitated and took a deep breath.

“You can never go back to that place. Do you understand?”

He said quietly. I felt something breaking down inside me. For all this time, I tried to find something that I could feel connected with. Even if the kids at school never paid attention to me, it was ok because Dad was always on my side. Even if he only comes back on weekends and breaks, he is still my everything. I need encouragement, someone that I could relate to and connect with. Flare Taming was my new passion and I wanted my Dad to acknowledge it.

“Why?”

I asked in English with a trembling voice. I needed an explanation, a good one. Dad’s face darkened.

“It’s…. Nothing you should worry about. It’s just a game that American kids like to play. Nothing to make a fuss about”

“But you don’t understand. I felt like I had superpowers! Please you have to listen to me”

I exclaimed.

“No! It’s a waste of time! It’s a meaningless game, ok? I told you before, you have to look at reality. Those games are a luxury for rich people. All I need you to do is study hard and get good grades in school! Do you understand young men?”

He shouted. His voice was full of emotions. I’ve never seen my Dad like this before and my eyes started to tear up. How could he? He was the last person I trusted, and understood. Even if the whole world didn’t understand me, he was the one who had to understand me. It was too much, I ran out into the darkness. I eventually came back but until my Dad left for work on Monday, we didn’t talk very much. 


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122 Reviews


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Fri Jul 07, 2023 5:39 pm
GengarIsBestBoy wrote a review...



Howdy hey! Gengar here to leave a review!

I like the descriptions of Cairo’s feelings of hopelessness and loneliness. This chapter introduced the science-fiction aspect of the story, the sport of Flare Taming. I think it is very intriguing that Cairo’s dad tries to shelter him from the world.
I especially like this paragraph, because it describes Cairo’s negative emotions after being told he can’t play the sport anymore:

I felt something breaking down inside me. For all this time, I tried to find something that I could feel connected with. Even if the kids at school never paid attention to me, it was ok because Dad was always on my side. Even if he only comes back on weekends and breaks, he is still my everything. I need encouragement, someone that I could relate to and connect with. Flare Taming was my new passion and I wanted my Dad to acknowledge it.


The area I think you can improve on is dialogue tags. Dialogue tags come after a character speaks and tell you who is speaking (ex: “he said,” “I exclaimed,” “my dad yelled”)

In your story, the dialogue tags are in a separate paragraph from the dialogue, but they should be in the same paragraph. Take this line, for example:

”Start the game”

The boy said once more in an ordering tone.


Instead of being separated by paragraph, it should look like this:

“Start the game,” the boy said once more in an ordering tone.

I hope this helped! Keep up the good work!

—GengarIsBestBoy




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Fri Jul 07, 2023 4:58 pm
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LuminescentAnt wrote a review...



Hi! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

This is a great chapter, probably as good as the last! This series is a really enjoyable read!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
Overall, this chapter is really descriptive on Cairo's emotions and what he's thinking. You also did a good job of visually describing the situation. Great job!

Slightly Burnt Marshamallow - Room for Improvements
You had two typos, which I will quickly mention:
Don’t tell me you don’t know how to play Flare Taiming”

You accidentally put an "i" here.
Do you understand young men?”

Should be "young man.
Another thing that I thought you could improve on is in the paragraph where Cairo is running home.
Without turning my head once, I ran all the way back to my house and hid myself under the covers. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just fit in like everyone else?

In the paragraph, you described all of Cairo's thinking as happening when he was at home. I think it would be better in this situation for him to be thinking about all of these things as he is running home, since he had quite a long way to run to go home, so it would be strange that the entire time he was running, he didn't think about what just happened at all. This is just a suggestion though, so it's really just to make the run home seem less rushed.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
Like I said before, you did really well in describing Cairo's thoughts. I really liked the paragraph where you described what Cairo felt after everyone said that he cheated but he just wanted to fit in. I also thought that you did a good job in writing how exactly Cairo felt when he had played Flare Taming for the first time.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Ultimately, this was a good chapter in this series. I hope you continue to write it. Happy writing!

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