Published January 9, 2011
Just starting this, it's a bit spoofey but the plot will be serious.
In a land, were men no longer stand, but rather ironically crawl, and limp, there was a sudden up bring of the infamous unicorns. There numbers were low but they were sent to the zombie filled earth to bring light, and happiness to what was left of it. They had one objective and that was to shed light on all of the darkness that was left, and sadly they were a little late, the world it self was known as the darkness.
There was but one way the pure unicorns could tread the gloomy filled land into what it was before. They had to simply defeat the brain-dead zombies for once and for all. This however as much simpler said then done, as we all know when a zombie bites another living thing, it also gets infected with the cruel cannibalistic disease. Getting a zombie to have a chance to bite a unicorn was very slim, since how the unicorns could very simply slaughter the zombies.
It was but one afternoon that a young unicorn was born into the darkness, her mother was one of the eldest of the unicorns and her father was said to have been called back to there home world, that is what her mother had told her that is. The unicorns were very intelligent species, the most inelegant species in the current universe. They could walk, speak, and write with there rainbows after just being alive for a day, but the daughter of the eldest unicorn had taken quite some time to develop all this, and when she did her rainbows were shades of green and not really rainbow like.
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140,994 Literary Works • 673,802 Reviews
YO1 be good! nice!
I really like the idea. Your title drug me in like a bug to a light zapper. Interesting creatures to have together. Once you make corrections, I look forward to seeing more of this. It will be itneresting and entertaining.
This seems like it could be an interesting story. Some technicality things:
Did you mean a sudden upbringing?
The world itself. Itself is one word, not two.
Seems like it should be gloom-filled.
I think this should be "is much simpler said than done."
Try adding a ; instead of a comma.
Did you mean intelligent again, instead of inelegant, because inelegant doesn't quite fit into the context.
"with their rainbows."
Rainbow-like, with a hyphen inbetween.
Once you fix these things, it seems like it's a very interesting story!
This story sounds very good so far. I only noticed one thing,
You had a lot going on in this sentence, making it very confusing. If you made it into multiple sentences, it would be less confusing. I liked how you didn't make the young unicorn perfect, as many people would be able to relate. Overall, your story is a good start.When I read the title of this piece my first thought was, "AWESOME." And now that I've finished it, my thoughts are, "COULD be awesome."
Just a few suggestions coming your way. First, just generally spell/grammar check the story. Plenty of problems, but everyone does them and nobody wants to hear about them so I'm moving on. Cut "rather ironically" from your opening sentence. Makes it sound like you're trying too hard to be, as you said, spoofy.
I'm assuming this is the prologue to your story because of all the exposition, which is fine. But if I can make one small suggestion about the writing style, it would be to make it sound even more dramatic. A bigger juxtaposition between ridiculous content and serious writing would make it all the funnier.
Keep up the good work. I wanna read some hardcore unicorn-on-zombie brutality!
This sounds really funny, and the idea of a zombie unicorn is rather frightening. You had a few errors, namely your overuse of commas in the first sentence, and at some points it wasn't clear what you were saying. Overall, though, it sounds...intriguing.
Hello, Poet. Cosmic here! You'll be my fifth review for Review Day! *grabs Bold pen*
"It self" should be one word.
Okay, you seem to have a problem with the concept of "there" vs "their".
Their shows possession. Example: "Their ball." "She took their money."
There shows position. Example: "The ball is over there." "The purse that held the stolen money is on the box that sits there."
Not the best examples in the world, this I know, but I hope I at least helped a little. I liked the idea of the story but the way it was written makes it a bit hard to read, this being that some of the sentences are a bit choppy. Some sentences move fast and others move rather slowly. Even so, I did like the story and the idea behind it.
Cosmic
Hey,
I love the idea, it sounds srious, but always with a kind of amusing note because of the type of creatures in it.
There is one just one mistake that Thetrauthlieswithin didn't see:
That intelligent should have been spelt like this, but I'm sure you didn't mean to do that!
Hmm, might be a short novel.... due to the fact it'll be to long to be a short story.
Hello there
Truth here!
Sorry I only got some nitpicks, I can't keep myself from correcting.
Is that what you meant? Be careful with this, I see a couple mistakes in there. 'Their' is used in a possession term, 'there' for a place and 'they're' for 'they are'.
I suggest a semi-colon in there and 'itself' should be in one word.
Alright whaaaaaat? This seems awesome. I love the way that you write, and I just LOVE unicorns