Last Hope ch4-5

by MaskedPoet

Published January 11, 2011

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Hello, here are chapters 4-6... you got to bare threw this stuff then you'll like what is up next!

Ch4 training grounds

The moon light shun threw the bedroom window and the star shun in

the sky, the snow fell softly and reflected the moonlight and starlight into

the bed room, the window was frosted as was there toe's for it was a cold

winter night. “Pssst, Okito” Said Xeno nudging him in his bed, Okito rolled

over and looked at her and grunted softly squinting his eyes, “don't you

remember I am going to show you the training ground” Xeno said, as she said

it the two other children Jona and Reana got out of there beds and creeped

across the floor to Xeno, Reana was dragging her blanket and sucking her

thumb across the floor, Okito sat up and rotated his legs out of bed, he

then looked at Jona and then Reana, “should we get going?” Okito asked well

stretching, “going? It is simply under my bed!” Xeno said grabbing her bed

and moving it to the side, she then placed her hand on the ground by her bed

and a hole opened with a ladder, Xeno then reached over to her bed side and

grabbed the lantern and made her way down the ladder, “Come on guys” Xeno

said gesturing that they come. The lonely flame from the lantern flickered

in the vast darkness, the decaying steps of the ladder groaned with the

weight of the children's descent. The children observed the darkness of the

dome and were wondering why and how it got there, the littlest two that is,

Xeno smiled and extended her arms out and span around, “Welcome, to my hide

out!” Xeno said as pillars shot up everywhere as she span around, “what do

you think Okito?” she said as the lonely flame went out, “here allow me..”

Said Okito and shot a small flame at the lantern and the once darkness was

now filled with the flickering flame. “Wow Okito your good at that!” said

Xeno and kissed him on the cheek and giggled, Okito was flushed and he his

eyes widen and then quickly shook his head and acted all boyish about it,

and kicked a rock, Okito made his fists burst into flames and he started

punching the pillars well shooting fire at the faraway ones all at the same

time, “hmmmp seems easy ” Okito said looking back at Xeno. Xeno and Okito

turned to see the kids with there jaws dropped, “oh boy...” said Xeno and

walked over to Jona and Reana, “you see me and Okito have powers, i can

control earth and well he can control fire, and this place is a secret, you

must tell no one about this place or about me and Okito's power's got that

kids!” she yelled and gave them a scary look, they both looked at her

frightened and nodded to her, “well should we all head to bed guys?” said

Xeno, Okito looked at her and smiled and then to Jona and Reana and they

blew out the once lonely flame and the darkness was once more, they crept up

the ladder and into there bed room, “good night Okito” Xeno said smiling to

him with, Okito looked back and flustered, “good night Xeno.” Okito said

then they both crawled under there warm cozy blankets and fell into a

slumber and off into dream land, the only thing awake was the cold winter

night.

Ch5 Blue as a days sky

Jona was a littlie different than the other’s, you see it was not

Jona who discovered his abilities, it was Xeno and Okito. Jona was around

nine years of age too when they found out. You may be wondering how this is

possible or what do I mean, but the truth is Jona’s abilities were second

nature to him, he could control water as easy as he could walk, and he has

been able to control it since he was born, And he thought that everyone had

some sort of power, especially when he saw Okito and Xeno in the dome, but

Jona was just extremely lucky that no one had ever caught him! Luckily the

first people to discover his powers would be Xeno and Okito. It was a cold

with night, the sky was darkening, as the sky darkened the stars started to

appear one after another, but it started off with one, one lonely cold star

in a dark winter sky, the moon shun over the city as if it were over-

watching us from the cold winter sky. The moon and the stars reflected off

the falling snow causing the snow to sparkle, like an shining star, the snow

fell softly and the shadows of the falling snow shun with in the children’s

room threw the frosted window, As the shadows shuddered across the room the

children laid in there beds fast asleep, all but one, Jona, Jona was

outside the frosted window out in the numbing snow, his shadow stretched

across the bedroom threw the frosted window, Xeno sat up in here soft bed

and squinted her eyes and rubbed them with her fists in a circular motion,

she opened her eyes slowly to witness the shadow across the bedroom floor,

she found the shadow weird for it was late and there was something else in

the shadow that looked like small floating base balls. Xeno tilted her head

away from the shadow to view all the beds to see whom was outside and not

asleep in there bed’s, she was chocked and her eyes widened and the blood

left her head and she was pale as a ghost when she noticed Jona was not in

his bed, she stumbled out of her worm cozy bed and she crept across the

floor toward the window, tip toeing across the cold floor toward he window,

she tripped and landed with a loud thump on the cold floor, she laid there

in the moonlight shining threw the frosted window almost falling asleep then

she heard a voice and turned to Reana’s bed and observed her as she laid in

her bed sucking her thumb. Xeno then shifted her body to look toward Okito

and witness him sitting up in his bed brushing his eyes, “wh..whats going

on?” Okito said yawning, “why in gods name are you laying on the floor Xeno”

Okito questioned, Okito then slid out of his bed and made his way across the

floor toward Xeno to see if she was alright, but then eh noticed the shadow

then turned his attention

away from Xeno and stepped over her making his way toward the window then

looked at the beds before he approached the window, and noticed that Jona

was not there, “What the hell dose he think he is doing!” Okito yelled

silently and rushed to the window, Okito stared out the frosted window and

everything was silent and the mood with in the room shifted as Okito stared

out the window stunned as if he was in shock, he stud there staring out the

window as if there was a abdominal snow man outside. Xeno stared at Okito

and tilted her head to the right, “What is it Okito… Okito..?” Xeno said

looking up at Okito from the floor, Okito ignored all Xenos attempts to get

his attention and just kept staring out the window, Xeno sat up firmly and

lifted her self off the cold floor, and made her way to the window, looking

down well brushing her self off, “so what’s all the… Wow” Xeno said then

stopped talking and saw Jona out side the frosted window in the bittring

snow bending water and making littlie balls of water float above his head,

the size of base balls, there had to be over 50 of them, all at once all 50

of them shot in the sky and broke and then they split up into hundreds of

smaller sized balls, the size of golf balls and they shot down at the ground

penetrating it creating a bunch of tiny holes, and then Jona was panting and

then shot a spiral of water into the air and the snow hit it and sparkled

off it and it created a spiral of ice with in the air, the moon and stars

reflected off it as it came crashing down to the ground, Xeno’s eyes widened

and was about to summon a pillar to prevent it from crashing but it was to

late the spiral was almost at the ground and right before it hit the ground

Jona slammed his hand into a fist and the spiral shattered into drops of

water, Jona happened to turn toward the window and saw Xeno and Okito and

smiled and waved to them. Xeno made the earth swallow her and Okito up and

spit them out by Jona, “What the hell do you think you are doing Jona and

since when do you have powers? Your not even ten! Why didn’t you tell us!”

Xeno shouted, loading Jona with a lot of questions, Jona looked at her,

tears running down his cheeks and hitting the winter floor, Jona looked at

her, tears running down his cheeks and hitting the winter floor, Jona looked

at her, tears running down his cheeks and hitting the winter floor the drops

rippling as they hit the ground, “I’m sorry Xeno.. Please forgive me for

wakening you up” Jona said crying, looking down at the ground, “wait what? I

am, not made because of that, you are using your powers in the open, if you

got caught there could be riots and we could be disbanded or even killed!

Jona you do know that your power is special just me and Okito and you have

powers that we know of you cant just be using it in the open, and why didn’t

you tell us about your powers? And how long have you had this power, you

seem good at it… better than me and Okito.” Xeno said looking at him. Jona

stared back puzzled, “I.. Had no idea.. I had powers.. well I have always

had them.” Jona said looking at Xeno almost forgetting Okito was standing

there, both Xeno and Okito thought Jona was lying, well Okito did then Xeno

thought to her self how it was possible then just thought maybe her and

Okito were late bloomers, “Well Jona.. for now on do not use your powers

unless I say you may or it is needed… and more importantly tell no one about

this..” Xeno said sucking all 3 of them into the ground and shooting them

back out into the room, Xeno, Okito, And Jona all went into there bed, they

laid down falling asleep and the moon shun threw the window… onto the cold

floor of the children’s bed room.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
BondGirl007
Comment
BondGirl007 commented Comment · Jan 30, 2011

Jona was a littlie different than the others, you see it was not
Jona who discovered his abilities, it was Xeno and Okito.


It was a cold
with night, the sky was darkening, as the sky darkened the stars started to
appear one after another, but it started off with one, one lonely cold star
in a dark winter sky, the moon shun over the city as if it were over-
watching us from the cold winter sky. The moon and the stars reflected off
the falling snow causing the snow to sparkle, like an shining star, the snow
fell softly and the shadows of the falling snow shun with in the children’s
room threw the frosted window,
Mkay I like that you tried to add some description in here, but the problem is you repeat all the same things over and over. The moon, the stars, the dark, the snow, repeating words and description, no no!


As the shadows shuddered across the room the
children laid in their beds fast asleep, all but one, Jona, Jona was
outside the frosted window out in the numbing snow, his shadow stretched
across the bedroom through the frosted window,
Again, frosted, shadows its all just repeating the same things.

Xeno sat up in here soft bed
and squinting her eyes and rubbed them with her fists in a circular motion,
she opened her eyes slowly to witness the shadow across the bedroom floor,
she found the shadow it weird for it was late and there was something else in
the shadow that looked like small floating base balls.
[/quote] Erg, the repeating is killlllling me if you can't tell xD. Also the bit in blue really confused me, I have no idea what you meant by it.

Ugh I'm sorry but I just can't nit pick this whole thing xD really the things I said about the last chapter, and also watch your spelling of things. Like "there" is not the same thing as "their".

I think it's a good base for a story but you really need a lot of editing to really make it readable, just think of it as kind of a rough draft :).

Good luck!

~Hope

User avatar
BondGirl007
Review
BondGirl007 wrote a review Review · Jan 30, 2011

Mkay I'm going to do this review in two parts to go with the two chapters. Lets get started! :D
I haven't read any of this before so forgive me if there are parts I don't understand.


The moon light shun threw the bedroom window and the stars shun in
the sky, the snow fell softly and reflected the moonlight and starlight into
the bed room,
Do you mean they Shone?

the window was frosted as was their toes for it was a cold
winter night.


Xeno said, as she said it the two other children Jona and Reana got out of their beds and creeped
across the floor to her.
Watch so you don't repeat words too close together.

Reana dragged her blanket across the floor and sucking her
thumb,
Okito sat up, and rotated his legs out of bed, he
then looked at Jona and then Reana. “should we get going?” He asked while stretching,


“going? It is simply under my bed!” Xeno said grabbing her bed
and moving it to the side, she then placed her hand on the ground by her bed
and a hole opened with a ladder, Xeno then reached over to her bed side and
grabbed the lantern and made her way down the ladder,
Watch the repeats, it makes it awkward to read.

So really there's a couple big things you need to improve on.

1- Repeating words. They make things feel very awkward for the reader, so try to avoid them if you can, use other words to describe things. Mix it up!

2-Formatting. the small font and odd formatting makes it so so hard to read, I actually wound up quoting it and reading it in the review box. So if you could change that it would be super awesome. :)

3- Periods. This was like woah. Comma overload, you have to use periods!

I'm guessing that English isn't your first language? You did pretty well, though it isn't a half bad storyline. A bit overused for my liking, kind of too anime like, but it's a god start.



Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
— Malala