My name is David
and I’ve come to tell, the story of a boy who was born in hell
He dove into the world where he was raised; The good were hated the evil were praised
A world where murder is a natural way, murder at night and even during the day
War was constant peace was blind; The media with lies brainwashing the mind
Do not be fooled by his wicked plans; He twirls mankind with binded hands
Fear him, for he’s been here for a while; Changing his tone and his style
He’s tall and stern with a frown on his face; beware of what you speak or know your place
He’s come into the earth and attempted to dwell; Back into the nine circles of hell
His strong red horse with it’s steam breath; The figure jumped off his name was Death
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
It's a bit short, and I only wish I could've read more. I really loved how you put the words and how it sounded.
I want to read more!
You did an incredibly good job, and I could some-what relate to it despite what little I understood.
Parts I liked:
War was constant peace was blind; The media with lies brainwashing the mind
That part gave me chills, how it sounded, I like your style and I encourage you to write more like this.
His strong red horse with it’s steam breath; The figure jumped off his name was Death
I loved how it ended, it also gave me chills.
I love how it describes humanity itself including 'death'. It does sound a lot like humanity. Life itself in my opinion is a living hell, only to be met with the face of death. Depressing, right? Anyway I cheer you on, and hope you write more.
Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14
Writer, Artist, Student and Reader
Thank you for that. That motivates me to continue, thank you.
The rhythm and mood was wonderfuly written! You are a very talented writer and I think many people here could agree
Thank you.
I like this poem. It was written very well. It also looks like you put thought into it before writing it to bring out its full potential. It had and interesting topic. Keep writing like this and you'll be awesome.
Thank you.
No problem
I like this poem! It is well written and it seems very well thought out. Nice writing and the poems idea was very interesting.
Yay! So I'm not the only one who likes to write dark works! (I have a problem....)
But seriously, I really like this poem. Me jelly. I love how you described death being born as a boy and living in hell where everything bad is natural. Very clever! And I like how you said death tried to life on earth. A very creepy and awesome poem. Keep up the good work!
Thanks, I'll try and extend it next time.
I love this vignette! This is a vignette right? Well anyway the way you tell us the readers about the life of this boy is wonderful. Your symbolism and imagery is fantastic! And in the end when you explain who he is, it just like WOW! You are really creative! I can't wait to see more of your work. I just have one little critique. In the last sentence "The figure jumped off his name was Death" you might want to either rephrase that or add some new punctuation it just doesn't sound right. I really hope you can write more!
Lol. Yeah it's a vignette, I tried making it connect, it wasn't meant to be a vignette, I wanted to stop as soon as possible, I couldn't connect with it.
Hey there, shiney1 here!
Overall Impression
Very interesting poem! The first two lines grabbed my attention, which is something I like to see. The world this guy lives in sounds a lot like our world *cough.* But anyway, I like the mood you set with your diction. This poem is dark and foreboding, and holds you all the way through its end. The imagery was nice as well.
The flow was pretty good, actually, but there were parts that sounded a bit off as you read. Some of the words sounded awkward, and could be replaced to make the sentence they are in flow much more smoothly.
Nitpicks
There is a noticeable lack of pauses caused by the absence of commas throughout the piece, for example:
The writer part of me wants to say this is an error that must be fixed, but the creative part of me sees this as the poem's style, especially since this occurs in multiple places in the poem. I'd say, if that's what you are going for, don't change that. If those missing commas were an accident, I think adding them will do the poem well.
[quote] beware of what you speak or know your place[/b]
I believe that "and" should replace "or"
Those are the details. This is actually a pretty cool poem!
Thank you for pointing out errors, it was a just a practice poem I wanted to see what people would think of my work and I appreciate your honesty. Thank you.
I tried.