Carlo looked over at me and the bell rang. He looked out the door into the hallway like he was being hunted. Then he walked out the door and looked around one more time. He probably isn't doing anything. Carlo walked straight towards the door with his gray hood on his head. His hands started sweating and his legs were shaking. He had never disobeyed a teacher before. He stopped. “I could just leave, and say that I forgot, or I could not, but then she would talk to me, and she seemed really mad. But then I could just get it over with,” he thought.
He pictured the mad look on his mom’s face when she got the email that Carlo left, and all the lecturing he would get from his dad.
He turned around and walked quicker than he was before, and reached a classroom. His teacher was smiling looking at the wall with the math posters. She saw Carlo and pulled in her red rolling chair to the desk, and closed her computer. Her smile mostly went away.
“Hi Mrs. Grabhalkittle.”
“Oh, you actually came, I was just about to type an email to your parents.“ At least she isn’t sending the email home anymore. He started tapping his foot on the ground. I would have been grounded and I wouldn't be able to play at all. "I just wanted to say, you shouldn’t say those types of comments anymore because it distracts the class. Try to stay still too because it's a little loud sometimes and also…” Why does she have to talk so much? I need to hurry back tocollect my stuff in Minecraft. Carlo’s eyes slowly got smaller, and he started looking out the window, “...you are not allowed to wear hoods in class, so next time keep your hood down… Carlo, are you listening?”
“W-what what did you say?”
“Do I need to send a note home about you not paying attention?” Her good mood faded and she raised her voice.
“No, I was listening.” Carlo started sweating.
“Ok, then what did I say?”
“You said to not say stuff and stuff like that.” He started to fidget with his fingers and scratched his head.
Mrs. Grabhalkittle sighed . She looked down and Carlo saw a big piece of scrambled egg in her hair.“You need to listen when I am talking. So why do you think you're here?”
“Because I made a joke?” Carlo’s cheeks puffed up. He could barely hold in the laugh anymore.
“And why is that a problem?”
“Because it is distracting?” He bit his lip to stop the laughter from coming out.
“Why is it distracting?”
“Because they laugh?” Wait, I think I have to go to basketball practice. This is wasting so much time, and I’m going to be late. Just let me leave already.
“Yes, and ….”
“Mrs Garbhalkittle! A BOY JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR! THE SCHOOL NURSE IS GONE SO YOU HAVE TO HELP!”
“We are not done here. You are getting a call home,and come to my office tomorrow.”
“Ok.” Yes, finally!
“You can go now.”
Carlo ran down the hall, and into his car.
“What took you so long! You're going to be late to practice,” Carlo’s dad screamed to him in the car. Too many people are yelling at me today, and there's going to be more.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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This is a pretty good story to read for me, looking for something to read about troublemakers in school. I never experienced regular school and seen someone like Carlo in real life but I think it actually pretty realistic. Although, Carlo reminds me of some traits of people I've met. He is very aggressive, powerful and furious personality and like the vibes he gives off. He seems like a bad person as well, if that's what you wanted to show in this character. Over all, this is good, keep on writing and have a good day!
This was a fun short story to read about a disruptive student.It seems like he doesn’t care for what the adults have to say.The only thing that’s got his attention is Minecraft or maybe even everyone around him getting furious.Tell me,is he apathetic? Will this story expand? Well,I hope you have a lovely and wonderful day and night.
Hello!
I'll review as I read.
'Carlo looked over at me and the bell rang. He looked out the door into the hallway like he was being hunted. Then he walked out the door and looked around one more time.' - 'looked' is repeated three times in as many sentences. Play with words. 'Carlo peered over his shoulder... he scanned the hallway' that sort of thing.
'He probably isn't doing anything.' - you've switched to present tense.
Using speech marks for thoughts is confusing. Maybe use italics for his thoughts.
'At least she isn’t sending the email home anymore.'' I would have been grounded and I wouldn't be able to play at all.' - again, switched to present tense. Is this an inner thought of Carlo? Because it reads like it. If so, use italics, and use it for the first paragraph thoughts too. Keep it constant and coherent.
Okay, I'm finished. Is this the start of a story or a complete story? Because I don't really see the point of it if it is a complete story.
Hope my tips help!