red rug.
i was given a big house, a big house with many trapped doors. many trapped doors were i could hide what i held precious. what i held precious was somehow stuck in my mind. i couldn't find a proper place to put what i wanted most hidden.
i indeed decided that the only way to solve this problem was to find, exactly, what i held most precious. i paced up and down the halls of my great mansion, paced and paced, and paced. never raising my head, never looking at anything but the beautifully decorated red rug.
as i paced all the way down the hall into the next wing i found that my feet had worn down into nubs. and i was now walking on my knees. feeling confused and yet oddly amused, i continued my walk. i then reached a large window that i didn't know the presents of. saying that i had never once been in this house, that made perfect since.
i looked out the window to see if i could catch a glimpse of a wonderful forest or a great shrubbery made maze. to my discomfort i only saw dark green water that slapped against my houses foundation. green water filled with tones and tones of rotting bodies. i was at first thinking of turning away and simply walking back, then i took a second look.
there, in the water against my house i recognized a familiar face. it was the face of my mother. and beside her, the face of my beloved lady. and beside her my honorable father, and our once trusty dog. beside him floated my loyal best friend, and his lady lover as well. it didn't take long for me to notice that i knew every body moving with the waves closer to my home.
and as i started to open my eyes a little; and feel tears climb there way into my eyes, i noticed. i noticed that i had walked through a trapped door. my shins along with my feet were merely a thing of the past. so was my waist and torso. one last glance at the dark murky water. one more familiar face, one more person i should have loved more, one more person i should have listened to. me. i cried out in forgiveness and absolute sadness as slowly the rest of my body drained through the beautiful red rug. i cried out and wept tears the size of small fruits.
and as my neck started to thin and seep, i smiled. why? because i had finally found a trapped door in this godforsaken house in which i could hide my most prized possession. myself and all my thoughts. for in my head everything's perfect. had i only realized that before i turned into a floating corpse in the endless sea of nothingness. and maybe i should have stopped thinking and actually acted.
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Canary word: Present
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as i started to open my eyes a little; and feel tears climb there way into my eyes,
This piece of the poem made me think that you had true feelings about this poem.
but for the most part i loved it. Id like to see more of your work.
The first thing I have to comment on is the lack of capitalization. Even if it is intentional, I find it remarkably off-putting. It should also be "Many trapped doors where I could hide".
Also, I am not sure if you mean "trapped doors" here as a pun, but I think that even if you were, you should revert back to "trap doors", as it is not as hard on the eye, and the extra space between the word trapdoor is enough to indicate that you intend a pun.
I would knock off the whole sentence, as I am getting bored with the idea by now. Instead introduce the idea in the next stanza.
Knock off the indeed -- its horrible here.
Perhaps, "I continued to walk"? And then "Of whose presence I was not aware, claiming that..." Also perhaps knock off "that made perfect sense
Use an apostrophe in "houses".
"tonnes" and knock off one of the "tonnes"
"I cried out for forgiveness, and in absolute sadness..." Also, I'd drop the "absolute".
Summary:
I think the idea that you have for this poem is actually brilliant. The tone was also remarkably good. Yet, there were many flaws that persisted throughout the piece that ruined this for me. I would suggest working on this, as its potential is great. I hope the review helped
Have a good one!
First off, Welcome to YWS. You should know that we have a 2:1 ratio of reviews for every post you make, so please make sure to review other people's stuff.
strike 'indeed'
don't use 'then'. Ever
presence
strike 'saying that' and 'that made perfect sense' because windows don't speak and it didn't make any sense at all.
- Suggested revision: 'and I realised I had never once been in this house.'
house's
tonnes
the 'forgiveness and absolute sadness' comment pretty much ruined the entire piece for me; it was too dramatic and almost cheesy; it flied in the face of the established tone.
*
At first, I thought the lack of grammar and proper punctuation was intentional but now I'm not so sure. If it wasn't you need to go back over this and fix things up. Essentially, I liked the idea, but the execution - as regards proper sentence structure and and well phrased passages - was lacking.
The concept, on the other hand was well-done I think and you stuck with it to the end without tangents or distractions. I think this is definitely worth working on and I hope this helped.
Cheers