remember how crickets throw their voice:
we wrapped ourselves in a lullaby shy
and sang along to the sound of the porch creaking
each voice i grew in my chest has grown
into something else,
the rasp of leaves and corn
or the bellows of the wind
that curve against the valley walls and double back to us.
there is winter in this room
and i thought about sleeping beneath the floorboards
like a dead man’s secrets but you said to build a fire
and we twisted sticks and burnt fingers
but couldn’t keep the flame
the wolves came and i heard them laughing;
i dug my hands beneath the floor
and found diaries and pictures
and insects between the pages,
old and dead and dried and cracked,
and they sing to me
in my sleep each night.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
While the first line is one that draws me in to the poem, I'm not sure of how effective it is looking at it right now. I'm not saying that you have to get rid of it, but I do think you should experiment around with it to see what you come up with. If the wording were stronger, I believe that it could lead into the poem well, but that's only if you fix that aspect of it. Right now, it's very much drifting in space and if you're not wanting to edit it, then I suggest you take the line out of the poem.
I could argue the case that the poem works better without this starting line and that it'd be stronger if you started with 'we wrapped ourselves in a lullaby shy' because there's more cohesiveness between that and the rest of the stanza that follows it up. I do have to say though, that the wording of that line is a little confusing. I want you to consider removing the word 'shy' there since it doesn't add anything or make any sense. If you could explain it to me, though, I'd be willing to listen.
The way that you punctuate this poem interests me. There's not a lot of it, and I'd even say that you're a little shy to use punctuation. It seems that you've left periods for the end of each stanza, so I can assume that you're not using them as a stylistic choice in this poem. I can see it being beneficial though, if you did decide to use them throughout, so I want you to at least consider it.
I enjoy this part and how it indicates that the speaker is the one that grew these voices in their chest, and it's partially their fault. What I dislike about these two lines is that they have trouble connecting in regards to the flow to the three that follow these two up. I'd suggest playing around with the wording there so it isn't as awkwardly put, though I enjoy the skeleton of the actual content that you're writing about with this imagery of the rasping sound coming back to them.
That's where another issue pops up for me--who is this other person in this poem? I'm unsure of who they are in relation to the speaker, and I have to say that I'd like to have at least some context clues as to who they are. I know that if you didn't label the genres, I wouldn't even remotely be able to know who they were or why they're important, but as you have this in the "Romance" category, I'm going to assume that this other person is the romantic interest or significant other of the speaker. I really do wish that this is hinted in the actual poem--even just a single line that's embedded in subtlety could help portray or get this information across.
I'm unsure of why you put a semicolon at the end of this stanza, unless it's to make me uneasy. If so, you've succeeded. If there's anywhere that a semicolon should be though, it's after the first line. Remove 'and' from the second and you'll have a stronger flow since it's often a filler word that's unnecessary. I have to say that I feel the same about the second instance in which you use this word in line four where it doesn't have to be there. I also believe that a comma in the third line coming right after 'secrets' could also help the flow out.
While I'm a fan of this stanza, I'm not a fan of how you go about writing it in terms of flow. Consider in the second line here taking out 'and', changing 'found' to 'finding', adding a comma after 'pictures' and taking out the 'and' from the third line as well. I can tell that it's intentional in the fourth line, and I don't mind that. I just mind it when you're adding it when you don't need to. I'm also fine with the usage of the word in the fifth line as well.
I have to say that I'm a fan of your ending. The actual content in the poem is actually pretty strong, but it's the flow where you're suffering with unneeded words or awkward phrases. I wanted to comment on the title, because yeah, I don't believe it's very provocative. It's definitely not what drew me in to reviewing this poem.
Perhaps you could name this something that relates more to the work such as the lullaby or the wolves or this other person (who isn't addressed in the last stanza, which is something I forgot to bring up earlier on). I also wanted to know who 'they' are in the last stanza because we don't really know. If you could shed some clarity there, that'd be great. I'm speculating that 'they' are the wolves, but I'm not quite sure and I believe that if you said 'wolves' in the last stanza (if this is the case) then there wouldn't be this problem.
Overall, this is a solid piece that could use help when it comes to the flow or the actual aesthetic or structure, and it wouldn't hurt if you ended up fleshing out on some of your imagery, though that's one of the stronger aspects of this poem alongside the atmosphere or to be more specific, tone that you build up throughout the poem.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a great day, Mars!
Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!
I must say, this sounds pretty dark. Though I wouldn't say it comes under 'Realistic', it has a bit more of a dream/nightmare feel to it. The beginning makes it sound quite romantic, but also a bit strange, especially the part which says "each voice i grew in my chest has grown into something else,"
Moving on, I really wonder how one can sleep "beneath the floorboards like a dead man's secrets". I find burying someone under some floorboards quite disrespectful and also a bit stupid, but I might be taking this literally. Although, even in the metaphorical sense, it sounds like a strange comparison to use.
Next, "the wolves came and i heard them laughing." First of all, you never really imply what the wolves are supposed to be representing, unless it is supposed to be death, which can be kind of infered from the last stanza. While we're on the subject of the last stanza, why would the insects by dead? Usually they'd try to eat themselves or they'd try to find a way out. Why would they be there in the first place? I might be thinking about it too hard, but that's me and I do that a lot.
On a more positive note, I really like the theme you picked and you also had a gradual build-up to quite a... scary and weird (in a good way) last line. You also did a pretty good job at painting the reader a picture with your writing.
Onto the more technical side, you could've at least had the decency to capitalise your I's. You could have used a bit more commas, rather than having an almost constant enjambment across the whole poem. I would say you could've used some more sophisticated vocabulary rather than 'dried, old' etc.
Overall, I'd say this is a quite good piece of poetry, but you can make it better by adding more sophisticated vocabulary and making any implicit ideas behind the theme more clear.
I hope my review helped!
Hi Mars! Becca here for a quick review. This is the best thing I've read on YWS all week, so thank you for that.
In terms of the first line, I think it's really beautiful but I didn't get how it related to the rest of the piece.
I love how you build both intimacy and tension in the first main stanza, and your use of imagery is superb. I can feel the emotions and like I'm there.
The second stanza continues with more tension which I loved and the wolves bit was definitely foreshadowing. I think "couldn't keep the fire" was a great way to share a metaphoric concept literally.
I think the last stanza ends beautifully, and I love how the narrator is comforted by these morose images. I hope this review was helpful and I definitely want to use some of the methods you employed in my own writing. Hope to read more of you read stuff!
After thinking about it, how do you feel about cutting the first line?
also what if "and we twisted sticks and burnt fingers" was "so we twisted sticks and burnt fingers"