Published March 5, 2011
Sun shining, sun blinding
Remember me, remember the morning
Look around, hear the sounds
Remember me, remember the morning
The sun is crying, the sun is blinded
I try to remember, to remember the morning
I look around, I hear no sounds
Trying to remember, remember the morning
Lonely days, lonely nights
Life is cruel but life is life
I see your picture on the wall
"Let me remember!" Remember the morning
Tossing and turning, wailing and screaming
Fast asleep but never sleeping
In blinding light you come to me
"Remember me. Remember the morning"
The sun is shining, the sun is blinding
I remember you, I remember the morning
I look around, I hear the sounds
"Remember me! Remember the morning!"
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141,432 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Okay.
So, my main problem with this is the repetition. It works in some cases, but you repeat the whole "remember" thing so much that it loses much of its meaning and instead becomes more of a nuisance to the reader. Along those lines, you have some pretty good emotions, if not imagery, in the first half, but in the second half it seems like all you did was repeat everything but in a different order.
Hope this helped.
-Kafka
So... Well lets start with what I liked.I liked the rhyming and the tempo was fairly smooth.The concept was built and I like the mystery.Its like I don't know wether someone died or someone broke up with their boyfriend or you died.Its keeps the reader in suspense.There isn't anything I don't like,mostly things I think should be improved.
Like when you said I thought you should go more in depth, explain how life is unchangable and how you wish for a second chance.
Good luck,
~Spartacus~
Well, well, this sounds like a song, I felt some melody coming from the poem because of the line that repeats throughout the poem.
The rhyme, however, could be improved. There are some words that rhyme pretty well with "morning", so it is obvious that this was something you tried to achieve here.
Also, in these lines:
"but life is life" does not really carry a meaning for me. I understand what you wished to say by that, that you can't put an end to your life so easily, even though it might be cruel... but those were not the right words to use. Words are anyway not enough to express our thoughts, so it might be hard to find those perfect words, but I think you could have tried harder.