Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
You displayed no remorse
as you wrenched my heart of emotion,
My soul once absorbed by rainbows and light
now tormented with agony and fright,
Tears rolled down my cheeks like waterfalls
With each tear representing the vanishing
Of my former self,
Mentally oppressed by the demons inside I struggle,
and my body protests for peace,
I loved you and allowed my vulnerability to take control
But you overlooked it and saw an apple prepared
For the arrow of a crossbow,
Fuck being a slave to the light,
Bitch, I’m embracing my insanity tonight!
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,849 Reviews
I really liked your poem! It was very dark and sad. You could however, add some more details to further enhance the darkness of the poem. Also, in some parts, there is rhyme, but in others, the rhyme is inconsistent. Maybe you could try to write some non rhyming poems first and then change this poem either into a non rhyming one or a rhyming one. I would suggest that you change it to non rhyming because it already has a majority of non rhyming parts. I am a bit confused at the last four lines. What exactly does the apple and crossbow represent and why are there suddenly very strong words at the end. My perspective on the poem was that it was sad and mellow, but suddenly it's very angry and harsh at the end. I love the words you used, they really helped put more emotion into the poem. It might be nice to have the correct capitalisation as well. It might be helpful for the reader to understand when a new sentence starts without having to check the end of the last line every time. What do you mean by "I'm embracing my insanity tonight"? Do you mean you are giving into the insanity? Didn't you already embrace it before? How are you a slave to the light? I really loved your poem and it made me feel a lot of what the character was feeling! Hope my review helps!
Nice!
Hello! Kara Stevens here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Grammar:
Assylum is spelled Asylum.
After "Mentally oppressed by the demons" there should be a comma.
After b**** put a comma.
Overall:
Overall this was very well written.
I'm a bit insane so this really held something to my heart.The metaphors and the imagery was very advanced. It's a bit choppy some places, but otherwise it was a very great poem. Keep up the good work!Thanks! I saw that Asylum error but forgot to fix it. I will definitely fix the rest though
Hey just Jaylin here to leave a short review of your piece "Insane Asylum". The literary techniques in this poem are amazing and bring the poem to life. I loved the topic you chose and the description used to express the poem. My favorite line is probably the line where you state ".....but overlooked it and saw an apple prepared for the arrow of a crossbow". That was a perfect description of being targeted and being used. The poem flows pretty well also besides the small choppy statements within. The poem was great in my book! It was executed properly and very creative. I hope you have a marvelous day and keep up the writing. By the way you made a splash debut!