He breathes in the cold, December air
Thoughts of longing dance in his head
Like fireflies in the dark of night
Disappearing within an instant of it's illuminating beauty
Time could not keep her away
The want, the need for her in his gut
Was the Sunday's best to his sacrilege
Something so dear, yet unsought
The change of season came
Like it came every year
The shiver of wind carried her
The scent of her drove through him
A subtle tear spills
His heart is enormous with pain
Remembrance of years past
Could not cultivate the blood
Pumping angry through his veins
Memories could never sustain
His feelings will never pass
What is there to gain?
Love lost, and to never love again
Undauntedly he walks
In a stone laid field, clothed with angel dust
His footprints left, but soon to be covered once again
The marker, he reaches
"Beloved Mother," he reads
He breathes in the cold, December air
Wishing she was his for the keeping
Still, he stands
Love lost, and to never love again
-Marla
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
I love your creativity. Your ideas and choice of words to explain what your talking about was average but understandable. Slight improvements can make a big difference in writers.
I have to admit you lost me when you went off talking about the boy needing the girl "in his gut". I think you mean he needs her with him or something else i couldn't identify with your choice of vocabulary. I think you should work on keeping the reader interested in what you want to accomplish with your story or poem.
First thing I need to point out: the vocabulary. Loved it! Not to many lengthy words that you need to use a dictionary for, but it is not limited to one syllable words. Now on to the actual text...
I complimented your wording, though it could use some improvement. I had to reread this because I actually pictured him wanting her in his gut. I understand now that it was an instinctive feeling of wanting her, like when people say "follow your gut", but not after rereading. Careful with your wording, it can cause reader to get out of the flow of reading, especially in abstract poetry.
I do not have much to say about this, except that it seems as if a line or two is missing. Maybe you can add a line in that links the shiver of the wind that carried her and the scent of her that drove through him a little better. But I do not have any specifics suggestions.
I did not quite comprehend this line very well. I know what you meant and the way you want the speaker to be perceived that the feeling of anger was spread throughout his entire body, and using the comparison of the heart pumping blood through his veins was smart. It seems the way you placed "angry" in this line seems....clumsy, for lack of a better word. Rewording it to something like -
I particularly enjoyed this line in the entire poem. If you somehow relate it to the classic phrase, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." It would give it more depth into the meaning, but for originality-wise, very well done.
I did not find any grammatical errors that stuck out too bad for me to stop and harp on. However, if you added more punctuation (semicolons and periods...) it might look a little cleaner. But for this particular poem, the lack of periods at the end of complete verses/stanzas seems to make it flow better, at least in my opinion.
Very well done and well written! Keep up the good work. :]