October 27th

I like how you've played on words (chuck), this was well done. But don't overkill it, you did that a lot in the poem.

But yeah, your paragraphs are waaaaay too long! Shorten them and condense them by removing unnecessary lines... Don't try to fill the unforgiving silence, silence is comforting. Therefore, words shouldn't fill every empty space in the cracks.

Your repetition wasn't that good. I know what you were trying to get at, but it sounded like it was meant to be spoken word, and frankly written down it was just plain confusing. Once again, eliminate unnecessary lines.

After re-reading your poem a few times, I can really understand what you are trying to convey.

Lastly, we don't really get a whiff of it being a birthday in the poem, besides the last line ('Happy birthday to me.') . I kinda get how you talk about how you got converse for your birthday, but it's drags on for so long that I forget what I'm reading.

If you fix some things up, this poem could be really great! You have good potential, keep writing! - Tiana

I like this poem. When trying to understand it, I'm not sure if I got this right, but either you're talking to an old friend or deceased family member, or you are talking to your lost childhood. I love how it sounds like a dialog. The structure is interesting and keeps the reader hanging. I didn't like the repetition of "Chuck" though. What is the reason for which you chose to do that? It kind of cuts of the rhythm you had going in your poem. I don't quite get the reason why you suddenly added "Happy birthday to me". But this sentence is what got me to think you might have been talking to your childhood all this time, rather than another person who passed away. I have to say your poem is really nice but also a little confusing.

This is Kaos here for a review!

So the first three lines were actually something that interested me and set-up with a good set of images, which could have been expanded to make something stronger. They're already the strongest images in the poem so I don't really know why you decided to use it so early on in the poem. I can get it better if you used it for repetition and kind of built around those first three lines while progressing the poem, but you only really use them at the beginning and end of the poem. Nonetheless, you ditch these lines and their ideas pretty much after that stanza ends.

Your stanzas are long and drag on for a long time, so I suggest you divide them up into shorter ones. This is probably because of your lines and how short they are, which is something that I wanted to comment on. Spice up your line length more because right now it makes the poem feel awkward structurally. Use long lines, medium-sized lines, short lines, all of it. The poem fails in flow for me not only because of this, but because of the repetition that you constantly use. It doesn't really do anything to add to the poem and often becomes needlessly there.

When using repetition, I suggest you think about why you're using that repetition. Is it to add emphasis to a line? Is it to use that line again and then build more off of it? Another thing to think about is the amount of dead space in-between uses of repetition, which in this poem are all over the place. Is it only used in the beginning and end? Side-by-side? These are all things you should think about when using repetition. There was a lack of imagery in this poem in the first stanza and there was a lot of scattered images. We get the imagery with the shoes and walking and I wanted you to expand from there instead of just using all the needless repetition.

The end of the poem didn't really make sense to me. This is because it ends up being the speaker's and presumably (your?) birthday without any hint or context clues that this was a thing earlier in the poem. I didn't understand what certain images stood for or how they contributed to the poem because if you don't have a reason for things being there, the reader most likely won't be able to find any way for interpretation in that spot as well. This work is scattered and I want you to edit through it and make it more cohesive with the thoughts and imagery because they were good descriptions, you just need order and expansion.

I hope I helped and have a great day!