Young Writers Society

Hello! Here for a quick review. I've seen the other reviews have pointed out typos so I'll just talk about the story.

After reading the whole thing and then rereading, the beginning doesn't make much sense. When the narrator is asking 'where are you?' is this in relation to the mother saying 'we'll see each other again someday?'

I don't know how old the narrator is but I am guessing they understand what death is as they mention that the mother has died. So why are they looking? I understand that it could be more of a metaphor but to physically be running around looking and chasing something... its a little odd, right?

If it is more of a sort of mental breakdown type situation, you could really play with this and amp it up. Was their mother the last person the narrator had? Without the mother, do they now feel alone in the world? Just little extra details about their relationship could really heighten this piece.

I will say I really liked the ending. It was very simple and I think it hit harder with its simplicity.

Hope this helps!

Hi Markenna,

Mailice here with a short review!

Quite a short short story with a rather sad note to drive the plot forward and a very shocking ending.

I was surprised that you could create a story that could be so many words with so few words. I think you really managed to bring out more emotions with this method than if you had written something much longer.

I can't give much of an opinion on the writing style because it's quite hard to give a definitive opinion on such brevity. But I think you can develop some things in a way that you can use other words, where you can put more emotions. Because sometimes it seems like it's told from a neutral note, even though you realise it's about a child. I think just adding some adjectives could help to add more emotion and leave an even deeper sting in the reader's eye.

I can say that it is a great beginning like a first draft.

Other points I noticed while reading:

Thue burning tears streaming down my face, almost matching the buckets of rain from the sky.

"Lucy, we'll see eachother again someday."

My eyes are closing now too, you always did say "Watch out for cars in the road,"

Hey! Forever here with a tiny review!

Wow, this was a great story.

Thue burning tears streaming down my face, almost matching the buckets of rain from the sky.

I realize my feet are now blistering, for no one.

I flashback fifteen minutes ago, when we were in the hospital, your hands were so cold.

began to shed some tears, when you ever so gently fall back and close your eyes.

My eyes are closing now too, you always did say "Watch out for cars in the road,"

Hi, there! Shooting Stars is here for a review!
First of all, I think that the beginning caught my attention with the way you set it up. I wanted to keep reading. However, you made a little spelling mistake which threw me off: "Thue burning tears streamin..." I didn't know if when you said "thue" you meant "those" or "the."
Secondly, in the next few sentences you wrote "realize" three times. I don't know if you did that on purpose, but it makes the paragraph seem a little repetitive. You're the author though, so do what feels right.
"Where did you go, mother?" Right here, the word "mother" should be capitalized because you're referring to her name.
Fourthly, when you said "I flashback fifteen minutes ago..." maybe it'd be better to word it like this? "I flashback to fifteen minutes ago..." It's up to you.
"You said 'Lucy, we'll see...'" There should be a comma after "said."
"...some tears, when you ever so gently fall..." There's two minor things wrong here. One, after tears, you don't need that comma, and two, you changed from past tense to present when you put "fall."
Now to the closing line. I must say that the emotions are building up and then on the last sentence, it kind of goes away. I don't think it has a powerful ending, but I get what you're going with here.
Over all it was good, but needs a bit of work. Great job!
---Shooting Stars