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by Markenna

As I race down the avenue, my only thought is 'Where are you?' Thue burning tears streaming down my face, almost matching the buckets of rain from the sky. When my legs finally give out, I realize, I am chasing no one. I realize my feet are now blistering, for no one. I cry harder now that I realize, you're gone. Why did you go, mother?

I flashback fifteen minutes ago, when we were in the hospital, your hands were so cold. You said "Lucy, we'll see eachother again someday." I began to shed some tears, when you ever so gently fall back and close your eyes. Mother, did you know you died with a smile on your face? My eyes are closing now too, you always did say "Watch out for cars in the road,"

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37 Reviews

Points: 3404
Reviews: 37

Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:13 pm
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ShootingStars wrote a review...

Hi, there! Shooting Stars is here for a review!
First of all, I think that the beginning caught my attention with the way you set it up. I wanted to keep reading. However, you made a little spelling mistake which threw me off: "Thue burning tears streamin..." I didn't know if when you said "thue" you meant "those" or "the."
Secondly, in the next few sentences you wrote "realize" three times. I don't know if you did that on purpose, but it makes the paragraph seem a little repetitive. You're the author though, so do what feels right.
"Where did you go, mother?" Right here, the word "mother" should be capitalized because you're referring to her name.
Fourthly, when you said "I flashback fifteen minutes ago..." maybe it'd be better to word it like this? "I flashback to fifteen minutes ago..." It's up to you.
"You said 'Lucy, we'll see...'" There should be a comma after "said."
"...some tears, when you ever so gently fall..." There's two minor things wrong here. One, after tears, you don't need that comma, and two, you changed from past tense to present when you put "fall."
Now to the closing line. I must say that the emotions are building up and then on the last sentence, it kind of goes away. I don't think it has a powerful ending, but I get what you're going with here.
Over all it was good, but needs a bit of work. Great job!
---Shooting Stars

Noelle, you can lead a writer to their computer and give them coffee, but you can't make them write.
— CowLogic