Marishke Pretorius P.4
Yin & Yang
He had never seen something so beautiful in his whole entire life. She was just staring off into the distance with her black long hair shining in the sun. He couldn't look away it was as if he was mesmerized by her. She looked over at him and waved, he didn't move. She came over to him and stuck out her hand, he shook it, and right from then they clicked.
“Hi, im Yin” she said,
“Hi, im Yang” he said shyly.
“Come on, let's go do something fun” Yin said while grabbing Yang's hand. She took him into the middle of a field. She laid down,
“ Isn't it beautiful? all the birds in the blue sky?” She looked over and asked Yang what he was doing,
“I'm praying” he said.
“ Ohhhh… you must be Taoist, i'm confucian so I have to worship my ancestors” She said.
”Ya tao was our teacher but we don't pray to him because we know we won't get a response so we pray to ourselves so we can get equal to him” Yang said.
”Oh, that's awesome” Yin said,
“Ya, we make sure to organise our life so we can live as long as we possibly can.” That is when Yins father came over,
”Yin! What on earth are you doing? you shall not be around a Taoist” her father said,
“ But father he is a friend, he has no harm” Yin said.
“ Your mother will not approve neither will the rest of the people in this town, come on let's go!” her father said. As she was standing up she leaned toward Yang and whispered
“Meet me back here at 11pm”, he nodded as she left. He went back home and waited until 10:55, at 10:55 he sprinted back to the field. There she was in the middle of the field with a beautiful blue and purple silk dress with pink flower designs around the edges and a flashlight. As he saw her his heart raced as for he knew he loved her from the first time he saw her but yet he couldn't take another step toward her, it felt as if his feet were glued to the ground. She walked over to him,
“ I see you most have built many buildings around here” she said
“Yes, but only in the mountains or near bodies of water” Yang said.
“ Let's go climb one” She said
“You must be crazy! Those buildings are very tall” he said. She was already running so he chased after her with a worried look but a slight grin on his face.When they got to one of the building she stopped running, she looked back as if Yang was still trying to catch up but he was right beside her, their hands lightly touched, she smiled. His heart was racing, without any control of what his body was doing he held her hand, she blushed. They stood there for about 5 minutes not saying anything, but just looking up at the tall structure.
”Ok let's climb it!” said Yin, so they started climbing. As they reached the top, they saw the beautiful stars in the night sky. Yin sat down, so Yang sat down right next to her. As she looked at the stars,he looked at her, and right then is when he realized he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He wanted to live every day dangerously and with excitement with his heart beating this fast. He realized he could only do that with her because only she gave him that excitement feeling. She looked at him and he looked at her, he got on to one knee and said,
“Yin, from the first moment I saw you I fell in love, You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and the most adventurous. I realized that if I really want to live my life to the fullest, I would accomplish that if I was with you. together we could be Yin & Yang, one that could not live without the other, so I'm asking you, will you marry me?”..........
“I don't know, I would want my parents to approve” Yin said. Later on they got off the building and went home. Yang thought of how he was going to convince her parents. The next day he went to go see her parents but they were both dead. She was standing there with a smile.
“what happened?” Yang said
“ I asked my parents, but they said no so i killed them” said Yin
“Oh ok” said Yang said. So they lived happily ever after.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
Hi Marishke!
I really enjoyed reading your story. I liked that in your story, Yin and Yang were living things. I also liked how you're story started off with dialogue. However, maybe use less dialogue. The story just seemed a bit too quick. Perhaps write in paragraphs. Yes, I was interested, but I would feel a bit more in the moment if there was a narrator of some sort or something. But overall, I really enjoyed your story. Good job.
-Isaiah G.
I really like your story. It had a lot of really good historical content and was very fun to read. I like how you added the historical content into the story, so it did not sound like a text book. I wonder if you could be a little bit more specific at the ending it was a little bit unclear. I also liked how you make it clear who was talking. I wonder if you could have a little bit less talking in it because it was a lot of talking
I really like your story. It had a lot of really good historical content and was very fun to read. I like how you added the historical content into the story, so it did not sound like a text book. I wonder if you could be a little bit more specific at the ending it was a little bit unclear. I also liked how you make it clear who was talking. I wonder if you could have a little bit less talking in it because it was a lot of talking
It was a good story and I really liked how you gave A LOT of information about the architecture. The information was good processed in the story and it was good to follow. It would be nice to know a little bit more about how they met. The ending made me literally laugh . Maybe you could be a little bit more specific about the ending but it was very funny.
Bruh....that ending tho. Well, it was a great story. There were lots of small grammatical errors, but those are easy fixes. I like the flow of the story, and how it wasn't forced. I also like how dangerous the girl is, and how conservative the guy is. The part where they aren't from the same religion, and the father disproves of the boy is pretty predictable...why ya gotta be so ruu-ude...you know i'm only human to-o-o. anyways...back to the story. I also like when she kills her parents, i mean, who doesn't. This was a great story, and other than the grammar, i couldn't find anything wrong with it. Except the moral values...i mean....killing her parents...
Great story!
I like that I could tell who was who talking. I wonder if at the beginning there was a backstory on how they meet. Maybe you could go back and make sure the punctuation is good, I noticed a couple here and there. I really liked the poetic writing in your story. I wonder if you didn't rush the story that much. Overall I really like the story, especially the ending!
-Somommy