A cloth was forced over my mouth and nose as I tried to fight back. My screams became muffled. I fould myself with tunnel vision and then everything went black.
~~~
I'm Macey O'Donnel. I'm only 14 and I end up waking in a dark room. With a blind fold on (okay, so maybe not a dark room, I couldn't see). Taped to a chair. I'm betting most of you out there can't say this has happened to you. And honestly, I started to freak out. My breathing became heaving as I stuggled againt my restrainments.
"Well, look who's awake." I heard a deep voice say. Followed the the click of a switch and the blind fold being pulled off my face.
~~~
I blinked as my eyes began to adjust to the sudden brightness. A sudden shock caused me the jump.
"Ut te ell wa dat?" I said through the duct tape.
"Oh, that? That was the electric chair your sitting in." Said the odd man standing in front of me.
"Hit." I said looking down.
"Shit, yeah your in deep shit." He agreed.
~~~
So, as I had been telling you before I was so rudely inturuptted. I was freaking. How long had I been out? Was my mom okay? What about my friends? I've been tramitized before and this wasn't helping. I was stuck in a damn electric chair for crying out loud. Might as well throw me out a plane with no parachute. Another shock brought me back to Earth, this one more painful.
"An ew dop dat?" I almost screamed, trying to get my words to come out around the tape still on my mouth.
"Oh, now Macey. That's no way to talk to your own father." The man teased.
My eyes widened with disbelief. "I ut?" I uttered.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,003 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
Hello!
I agree with the others that you have a great start on your story. I'm not crazy about the name, but that might just be me. I really like this part; it's funny:
I blinked as my eyes began to adjust to the sudden brightness. A sudden shock caused me the jump.
"Ut te ell wa dat?" I said through the duct tape.
"Oh, that? That was the electric chair your sitting in." Said the odd man standing in front of me.
"Hit." I said looking down.
"Shit, yeah your in deep shit." He agreed
The only thing is that I don't think the breaks are nessesary at all. Maybe one at the most, but not three! Keep up the greal work!
Hi there!
As Pencil mentioned already, you have a great start to a promising story. This idea is great and I was pulled in from the beginning. Your character is very interesting and I love her name! I can't wait to find out more about her.
There are a few things that I want to point out. I think the breaks are a unnecessary. It messes with the flow of this story. As I'm reading, it's like I learn that this girl is tied up and then boom I find out who and where she is and then bam she's in this elctric chair and then bam she finds out that the man torturing her is indeed her father. Do you see how this makes the story jumpy? Honestly I can't tell if I like it this way or not. The second page break is definitely not needed, though. You end the second section with the blind fold being pulled off of her and then the next section starts with her blinking as her eyes adjust. There's no time break between those two events, it's continuous. Make sense?
Overall I enjoyed this. Like Pencil said, there are a few mistakes, but generally speaking this was well written. Just work out the pace that you wish to have your novel move and limit your page breaks. They work well, but only when used at the right times.
Oh yeah, one last thing. I wish this chapter could've been longer. Because of the length I thought it was a prologue, but then I realized it was a chapter and I'm a little disappointed. I hope the next chapters are longer. I really want to know more!
Let me know when you add the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
That's very intersting. I'm certainly intised to keep reading, and very intregued. While this work may need a little tweaking, you have artfully given away just enough information to intise readers but they are still intregued by the new mysteries that have surfaced. I only have a few spelling and grammar issues to point out. One, tramatized should be spelled truamatized andyour should be you're. Also, inturuptted should be spelled interuppted.