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Young Writers Society


12+

Crystal Tears: Chapter Three

by MarianaChristena


Frederic awoke to darkness. Brief glimpses of the day before flooded through his mind, but there was a huge blank where most of the night should've been. He remembered killing the beast and saying goodbye to Jacques Aurmont. He remembered the pain…

His eyes slowly adjusted to the dark and he could make out vague shapes. There was a line of thin, watery light to his left. He stumbled in that direction, bumping into various objects. The line of light turned out to be the space between the ground and what Frederic assumed was a curtain. He assumed right.

As he pulled it back, he was presented with a spectacular view. The towering pines nearly concealed the large house in the distance, but he could see glimpses of the stone and the smoke coming from the chimney.

How very picturesque…

He turned to face the interior of the room, now more confused than ever.

“Where am I?” He whispered into the silent room.

The room itself was lined with shelves of the same black leather-bound books. The floors were hard oak wood and besides a small desk and chair on the other side of the room, it was bare. A shudder wracked his body. It was so cold. He looked down at his body, his face heating when he realized he wasn’t wearing any clothes.

He opened the door and peered into a long, dark hallway. It was old, but clean. It reminded him of the beast’s palace. He continued down the hall, and down the ornate staircase, nearly to the bottom when he realized that he was in the beast’s palace. The house he’d seen in the distance was probably Master Aurmont’s.

***

Ella had just gone to bed when Jacques returned. He wasn’t very skilled in the art of silent moving. In other words, he woke the entire household. A manservant with a club in hand entered the entry hall first, relaxing when he saw that it was the master of the house.

He bowed. “Comte Aurmont, welcome home.”

Jacques raised his eyebrows at the club, but was then nearly knocked over by Ella, who’d hurtled into his arms.

“Jacques!” She exclaimed, throwing her arms around him. “I missed you.”

“Oh, my dear Ella. You cannot possibly imagine how much I’ve missed you.” He pulled back to look at her.

She narrowed her eyes. “What happened while you were away?” She’d noticed a slight tremor in his voice and a general uneasiness in his manner.

“Nothing.” But he didn’t look her in the eye.

Lisabeth and Anastasia hurried down the steps in front of them.

“Papa!” They both embraced him warmly and started to question him about his travels. As if he suddenly remembered something, he froze. He turned to his pack and carefully pulled out three pale yellow roses. They had probably been in there for an hour or two, but they were still intact.

Ella smiled. Jacques always brought them flowers when he returned home, and yellow roses were her favorite. It was almost as if he knew that this trip had been the worst for Ella herself. He was gone for a long time, and Fleora’s rage had grown due to other factors that Ella preferred not to think about.

Someone cleared their throat and everyone glanced in the direction of the sound. Fleora was gracefully descending the stairs, an exultant smile on her face. No matter what she did to Ella, there was no denying that she truly loved Jacques.

Ella and Lisabeth made eye contact across the dimly lit foyer. She’d noticed Jacques’ strange behavior as well.

***

Frederic had noticed, sometime in the past hour he’d spent exploring, that most of the palace was like the room he’d awoken in.

Bare and hardly furnished.

He’d found one bedroom, with a large bed. Another room he assumed to be a washroom. There weren’t many other rooms that had anything in them. He found himself back in the room with the bookshelves. The leather-bound books had drawn his attention earlier, so he plucked one from the shelf.

November the Eighth, 1---

Today was particularly difficult. The year mark is approaching and I’m becoming more and more monstrous with each passing day. I think Father suspects that something is different about me. I’ve changed, perhaps, but it is all for naught.

Mother, of course, is an angel. She continues to leave a door unlocked and clothes in the barn every morning. She says that Father doesn’t realize that I’m gone at night. I think it has more to do with his consumption of wine than her distraction skills.

November the Ninth, 1---

I know that no one’s broken the curse since the beginning. I’ve read the journals. And yet, I still can’t help but hope…

November the Tenth, 1---

I met a girl. She was kind.

November the Eleventh, 1---

Illya is her name. I do not think I love her, not in the way a man loves a woman. But she is kind. Mother has hope, but my only hope is that she won’t think less of me because of what I am. I have finally admitted that there is no way out. It will be a year next week.

There were a few more entries about Illya. He wrote that he was going to tell Illya, then there was a pause for a few days. Then:

November the Thirtieth, 1---

This is Illya. I didn’t mean to… I can’t even write it out. Pali is dead, and it’s my fault.

The journals went on, and on. After three years, Illya couldn’t take being a beast anymore. She attempted to kill herself, but something in the curse prevented it. She begged her mother to do it for her, and she eventually agreed.

Twenty years later, a hunter shot Illya’s mother by mistake. He was the beast that Frederic had killed, and he’d been the beast for over a century.

Once Frederic had reached the end of the journals, he went back to the very first one.

The first beast was a foolish and arrogant man. He was a prince and a free spirit, much like Frederic himself. But, unlike Frederic, he was selfish and cruel. A powerful sorceress cursed him to be a beast forever, unless a woman could love him as a beast.

He changed, and a woman named Belle fell in love with him before the year was up. There was much more to the story, but there were so many more. After the prince, a conceited man named Gaston received the curse. Because he had not personally wronged the sorceress, she gave him the days of the year. At night, he would transform into the beast.

The only ways out were death or love.

Between Gaston and Pali, there were nearly fifty years and six beasts. They all had lives, stories, but none broke the curse.

So how would he?

He did know one thing: He needed help.

***

Ella, Lisabeth, and Ana questioned Jacques endlessly about his travels- once they had all gotten some sleep. He told stories of a land in the Far East where the entire royal family is named after shades of the color red. He told stories of a to the west where there were legends of people with the tails of fish who lived in grand kingdoms underwater.

It was just after noon when a knock resounded through the manor. Ella, Lisabeth, and Ana raced through the carefully decorated hall to the door. When Jacques was home, they were all a little more playful, a little more carefree, a little more childish.

Ella got there first, Lisabeth and Ana nearly tripping over themselves behind her. She was laughing as she flung the door open.

In the doorway, a young man stood rather uncomfortably. Ella could tell he was uncomfortable because his left eye twitched and his feet shifted slightly each passing second. Her laugh ended abruptly, Ana and Lisabeth look over her shoulders to catch a glimpse of the unfamiliar visitor.

“Hello,” The young man said in a low, slightly hoarse voice. “Er, is this the home of Master Aurmont.”

“Comte.” Ana corrected on instinct. If Fleora had been there in that moment, she would’ve said the exact same thing. Ella glanced at her, and Ana paled as if it were symbolic of her becoming her mother. But Ana would never be Fleora, and vice versa. They were both incapable of having the qualities of the other.

“Jacques!” Ella called, glancing back at the young man.

A light flashed in his eyes, as if he’d had a sudden realization.

Something was off about him, and Ella was generally wary of newcomers anyways. They could cause so much pain, unknowingly. Any number of things, said without a thought, could trigger Fleora.

Jacques touched Ana and Lisabeth lightly on their shoulders to get through to the door. Ella instinctively stepped back and to the side, fading naturally into the background.

The visitor blinked, and then focused his gaze on Jacques.

“Ah, Ric.” Jacques remarked brightly. “Come in, come in.”

Fleora stepped gracefully out of the drawing room and into the hall. She was silent, but Ella knew what it meant. Lisabeth looked as if she was going to say something, but with one glance from Ella, she pressed her lips into a tight line and squeezed her eyes shut.

Ana looked away.

As she slipped away to find a book or write to Celeste or do laundry, or any number of things she could do instead of be there, Ella nodded nearly imperceptibly at Fleora.

Nearly.


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289 Reviews


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Sun May 28, 2017 3:51 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!

I haven't read the previous chapters so I can't comment on the story as a whole, just this chapter.

The small chunks of texts from different points of view is quiet jarring and hard to read. Once I was starting to get used to one person's point of view, it switched. It makes the chapter seem too rushed.

The last, large chunk of text is a bit confusing. You used '****' before changing POV's before but the last chunk seems to be from several points of view all at once and doesn't really read right. You have a sentence from Ella's POV, then Anastasia's, then Dav's, then back to Ella's, then to Dav's again, and it makes the whole scene a bit wishy-washy as the reader is not focused on one singular character and instead is jumping all over the place.

From what I'm gathering, this is a play on Beauty and the Beast? I like your descriptions of the setting, it is well distributed and doesn't seem forced. From the little descriptions you give, I could tell that this is set in a medieval kingdom.

The characters do lack emotion, though. And the dialogue is a bit dry. Davonne is trying to find Ella after seeing her at the pond and she's all he can think about yet when they bump into each other in the kitchen, he has absolutely not reaction to her. So much so that I didn't know it was the same character because she is referred to as Isabella at that point. Surely he should be elated that he has found her?

And then when then meet the next time at the pond and he is the beast, she has no reaction except her eyes widening a bit. This would be the perfect opportunity to describe what the beast looks like through Ella's eyes as it is the first time they meet. And the fact that she tells him everything about herself is a little weird. She's just found a beast man watching her from the bushes and she's just going to tell him all about her family? It's all too civilised. Even if she wasn't one to judge a beast-man for being a beast-man, the least she could do is be a little stunned by his appearance.

All in all, the writing itself is great. I saw no grammar errors or spelling mistakes and your sentences flow well. But from this chapter, the story and the characters are a little lifeless.

I hope I don't sound too harsh!




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Fri May 26, 2017 3:49 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello, Mariana. Here for the third review.

So the tension is picking up! Davonne is finally asking Isabella for a walk, Anastasia spies on her, and Isabella meets Davonne as a bear. I wonder how the relationship is going to advance. That being said, I'll be diving into the meat of the review.

So first of all, I want to bring a topic that's been nagging me for a little. I have never really seen how Fleora is treating Isabella. The Royal Ball could be a perfect example. Maybe if Isabella expresses her wish to go, Fleora flies at her and plots to prevent her from going there. And whenever the prince visits, maybe the two of them shoves her toward the kitchen. I actually don't understand why Isabella runs away from Davonne. Did she have such an experience when her stepmother (and sister) scared her off?

The only place she felt safe was the pond in the woods behind Jacques’s estate.


Also tell-y. Feeling "safe" isn't as interesting as describing how safe it is. Why is it safe for her? Does the trickling water calm her down? This is where the adage for writers, "Show, don't tell" applies. Showing happens when you don't directly state something--whether it be character interactions, emotions, etc. For example,

Janie was irate.


is telling, while

Janie slammed her fist onto the table. Her eyes blazed.


is showing. More info here. BUT--as much as showing is great, just remember that in some places, telling is better (like when you want to say "A few weeks later", showing what happened doing that time spells boring). And maybe having a level of "telling" is great for a fairy-tale style story. What matches best for you.

Some confusion here:

Davonne could now think and act on his own accord as the beast. It had taken a few weeks before he could even remember what had happened every night, but he gained consciousness as the beast just before Jacques had left again.


Did it mean that Davonne was getting the hang of becoming a beast? To being to retain his memories?

A nitpick:

“What did I say about that?” Isabella said in a much more serious and hushed tone.


Uh...is she saying this in front of the prince? Because it appears so.

The kitchen scene also makes me wonder what the servants think of Isabella's situation and Fleora and Isabella. Are they sympathetic for Isabella? Or they don't care? Or something else? I'm guessing sympathetic, from the way Isabella talks to them. Just something to keep in mind, maybe.

I'm also curious why Isabella behaves as if "everything's okay and I'm fine". Seems as though the bad stepmother is watching. Poor, poor girl :( The "being punished" thing terrifies her, and I feel really sorry for her.

I also think that maybe the rose garden can be developed a tad and woven into the description a little (for example, Davonne brushing the roses and *gasp!* handing one to Isabella XD). I'm probably a "I want description" reader so I don't know if I'm deluded or not about this. Just take my setting suggestions with a grain of salt.

And I'm starting to feel a little sorry for Anastasia. I mean, her mom's such a control freak and even bosses Anastasia around. She feels a little underdeveloped in my opinion though. I don't know her so well even though I assume she's a major character. What does she feel about Isabella and Davonne going together?

She had no idea that she would be witnessing the beginning of a love story that would nearly tear her, and the entire kingdom, apart.


Ooh. Foreshadowing. Having an omniscient narrator lets you do this! :) But I did feel like it was a little heavy-handed, rather obvious. I'm divided here. This is intriguing, though, and it makes me wonder how the love story would go. Fifty-fifty here. I don't know whether being more subtle or keeping this way is better. Let's see what any other readers think, perhaps.

I'm assuming this is an early draft. (Probably is) So I want to let you know that the characters are a little 2D. They need more development in my opinion. Development doesn't begin in the middle or something. I believe it starts from the moment we're introduced to them. So far, I'm not seeing any goals for the characters. Isabella is a largely passive character (no motivations, it seems). Davonne has one. The rest...? Think about what they want in the story. Everybody has one goal. Now, the minor characters that are like stage props probably don't need one, though. Filling in character templates like favorite foods and colors in are, in my opinion, not particularly useful(but can be fun :D). Stuff like greatest fear, "I will never do this. Ever." (and then end up having to do that to overcome a situation as a possible scenario), and biggest motivation (and maybe a little history) allow you to peer more closely at the character.

The last scene had a touch of humor. Tons of name-changing! I know Davonne has a great reason to do so. Isabella? Hmm...a little odd--but that's because she isn't fully developed. Fully developed doesn't mean throwing in backstory ALL AT ONCE. It means that her backstory and her personality and her fears and so forth form her as a character and affects her actions. They're people, you see? ;) More here and here.

I hope this review helps. Remember that I suggest a lot of things here, so PLEASE take it with a grain of salt. I am in no way a perfect reviewer and something I point out may be way off the mark. Going out now.

Image






Thanks for the review. Whew! I did not catch a lot of that. Thank you for all the advice. I will definitely work on character development. I feel like most of the problems were because this wasn't my first priority when I started writing it, it was more of a side project. Anastasia is supposed to be underdeveloped, though she is a major character. I'm still a little unsure about making that decision, though. Do you think she absolutely needs more development? I have more books planned out, one of which will focus on Anastasia a lot more. The foreshadowing is a little out of place and sudden, but I think I'll probably leave it in because I'm kind of proud of that sentence.
This was a lot longer than I thought it would be. Okay, bye!



PrincessInk says...


In my opinion, whether she is the main focus or not, she needs development. I think that Anastasia probably doesn't think of herself as a major character tagging along--she has a life of her own, her own motivations. It doesn't mean that every major character needs some spotlight my-POV time--it's so that she appears like a real person rather than a "major character".




The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
— Mark Twain