Published November 4, 2011
Life is a war,
A dangerous one.
Life is the core,
To everyone.
Open your eyes,
Look up to the skies,
And see what lies before you.
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139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
WELCOME!
Thank you for entering this marvelous piece of writing into my competition ;D xxx
Thank-you!
I think this is mint!
Keep writing it is a gift
Steve x
Thank-you for that and just to let you know, I made that poem up when I was 12. Not only that but I was half asleep when I wrote it for the first time. Though it was not the first poem that I ever wrote.
Hey There -
Open your eyes,First off - I want to say there was some serious contemplation going on after reading 'Life'. It really makes you think.
But, alas, it was a bit... short. I love poetry that skips the foo foo and get straight to the point, but in good short poetry, the reader leaves, feeling fufilled. Like tapas. You eat. It's only a little. But you're full. Does that make sense? This was enriching. But short.
Maybe there is a bit of something you can pull out from within you to add?...
Oh and by the way - this was perfect:
Look up to the skies,
And see what lies before you.
Keep it up, Maria - this is the start of something wonderful.
All the Best -
-IamHathor22
Thank-you for that and just to let you know, I made that poem up when I was 12. Not only that but I was half asleep when I wrote it for the first time.
I agree with the above post, that this is too short. I love the first 4 stanzas, which create a happy tune and entice the reader to read more. The sad part is that the poem ends on a sharp note, like a chunk was cut out of the middle of it. There are no transitions from the beginning to the end, and the second to last line not only sounds rushed, but a bit cliche.
Great start, but I was hoping you would connect the next lines to these ideas. That would have been better.This is an unsatisfactory and blunt ending. I love short poems, but this poem is more like "unfinished." You could do so much more with this! The topic of life is broad, and you can still use the short format but make it longer and more satisfying.
So that is what I see. I urge you to keep working on this one
Thank-you for this, I'll do better to write longer and more explanitory poems in future.
I think you have a very good foundation here, but I think it's too short. LEt me clarify: I don't believe that any poem can be "too short" in general, but it CAN be too short as far as the way its set up, which is the problem with you're poem. In between the stanzas with "Core" and "Open" you need to put more poetic explanation, to build on your point. Also this line is a little ambiguous:
. That's all I have to say! Keep writing!-Klotrox