Some wish to be others,
Some wish to fly.
Some wish to be young,
Some wish to die.
But don't lose faith,
Don't lose hope.
And remember,
Beware of that steep slope.
It only leads to darkness and despair.
Just know there are people who love you,
And people who care.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
The rhyme scheme is nice, and I enjoy the contrast between the light and dark in people's lives. It's short and sweet and rather calming to read, which makes the message of "Don't lose hope" even more effective.
Hi dear Maria. I love your short and minimal style of poetry. I think this one is better than your poem about Cindrella. I think you are not very good in telling stories in poetry words but anyway your poems are so catching and beautiful. I m sorry for bad English by the way. I m not native speaker. Anyway i again hope you keep writing!
Hi Maria! (or is that just the name of your cat?)
The message that you send through this is nice, and I like your rhymes. You have nice rhythm too, so basically, you're already on the train to writers' land; it's just a matter of time before you reach Thule.
Of course, though, there's always room to improve, and that's what we're here for:
First,
I feel like the some of the sentences are no connected to the next, like the first two lines:
"some wish to be others,
some wish to fly."
flying and impersonation (i mean, wanting to be like others) are like, two different worlds entirely; putting them one after the other kind of... clashes(?)
it could be better written as:
Some are grounded: while others walk, they run
While some others: they dream; they wish to fly.
Some pray, like Pan did; to always remain young,
While some are lost: washed of hope, they wish to die.
So the third and fourth lines have no problem, 'young' and 'die' go well together; they provide nice contrast and compliment each other.
You're grammar's fine, punctuation is alright, sentence construction is good too (though the last criteria shouldn't really apply for poems; poets generally make their own rules; we're amazing that way)
Keep writing, and since you're new, Welcome to YWS (though i've been here for like, a week myself).
: )
Dearest hiraeth,
Thank you. I reviewed your brand new poem. I love all your work and like i said in that same review, I said you are my favorite poet. Thank you for all your work and let me just say I got a startle of excitement when I saw that you reviewed me. Keep writing yourself!
MariaDaCat
P.S. Maria is my name
Great poem. Not much more to say. I've never been in this situation, but I imagine it'd be close to some people.
Though, sometimes you used a coma, and had a uppercased letter in the next sentence. I do that too, but make sure you look out for that!
Overall, I think this is a good poem, great job, and pat yourself on the back.
As always, keep writing, and happy new year!