It's funny how two parents can turn into a father,
And a father can turn into a mother and two step-daughters.
All three spoiled, all three mean,
Left poor little Ella
To scrub and clean.
~
Near the dead fire,
Fast asleep.
Near the cinders,
And a teased name to keep.
~
Heard of a ball,
Wanted to go.
With the help of some mice,
Her mother's dress was good enough to show.
~
Dress torn apart,
Eyes full of tears
Until her fairy god mother
Suddenly appears
She gives her a new gown,
Two horses and a carriage,
"Be home before midnight,
Or it will all vanish."
~
When Cinderella arrived,
She looked as beautiful as can be,
But no one knew if she would survive,
As it was far was past eleven fifty.
As Cinderella ran to catch the carriage,
She left her glass slipper on a step.
Sad that she ran away,
Prince Charming had no pep.
~
Completely in love,
Her Prince Charming searched but it's a blur,
looking for his true love,
he used the glass slipper.
Despite Cinderella's special shoe size,
Prince Charming found her.
Married her,
And lived happily ever after.
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Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hi Maria!
Hiraeth here again for a review.
This is a great attempt at converting a fairly complicated story (i never really liked cinderella much) into a poem. Clearly, you know how to rhyme your words and frame your sentences. But, like I always say, there is room for improvement; so here are the things that i think needs some work.
-Read aloud in your head: "Teased name to keep." Now, i know all's fair in poetry and art, but this line's just a little bit too off, no? 'teased name' doesn't make enough sense to someone who doesn't know cinderella (thick chance of that, huh?), something like 'catty name to keep.' (*winks* i searched the word catty up).
-You switch between past and present tense in your poem,
here: "Heard of a ball, Wanted to go." (past tense)
here:"Until her fairy god mother ,Suddenly appears
She gives her a new gown, Two horses and a carriage," (present tense)
and here: "When Cinderella arrived, She looked as beautiful as can be," (past tense again)
It's important that you do not fluctuate between tenses, this a very glaring mistake that every annoying reviewer (such as myself) will call you out on.
-Next, like others before me have already said, there is a lack of continuity in the poem, it does not tell us the story of cinderella, it describes various different moments of the story that do not feel connected to each other. So maybe you could work with that next time.
Keep writing, i'm looking forward to see your improvement in the next piece.
Thank you, hiraeth! I Can not believe I missed these things. I'll try to improve for you.
This is amazing!!
Keep up the good work.
This is a interesting way of telling Cinderella’s story, and I love it! It’s such a creative idea, and the wording was great, however,
Some of this seemed to jump, which I can’t blame you, you put a lot of work into it, but if they could flow a bit better, that would be great!
Also, this is a bit of a nitpick, but instead of “despite this,” you could say because of this.
Again, you have made a incredible poem, I loved it. It’s amazing, and I would love to see more!
As always, keep writing!
Hi. I liked your poem very much. But i think it was very short and minimal. Someone who isn t familiar with the story won t understand your poem. It was not good at narrating but anyway I liked it.
By the way, may I ask why it was too short? Have you set limit in word count? Or maybe something else?
Keep writing, anyway!
I'm sorry, wetumbrella5. I tried my best and now I'm thinking about making a remake since there are so many mistakes that I would love to fix for you.
MariaDaCat