So, this is a totally freewritten poem that was done blamefully (word?) from boredom and mood. It was done, err, a few months ago I think. I consider it pretty amatuer, but I'll show it to you guys and see what you say.
Comments and critique, please.
--
My obsession,
Of beauty, fame, fortune,
Has come to rise.
I want the gold of the banquet.
I want to be awarded,
Of the richness of my heart’s content,
Of the joy that makes my mouth curve,
Of the adrenaline that makes my heart beat.
I want to bathe in my power,
Solid wonders that pour in my mind.
Soothing an ache
That yearns for more.
I want to see the jewels of greed,
The emeralds of green,
The ruby of blood,
All before my wandering eyes
The aid that heals my wounds
The wounds that bleed for lust.
The lust that cries for more than one,
Yet, I show no mercy.
I am the sin of want,
Of longing, of power.
I desire it all,
And it won’t be lost.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
Good Job on this poem. I like how you described power and how one wants it so much. This doesn't quite have to do with your style, but if you lengthened the lines a little, I think it would improve. In my opinion, longer lines mean more detail. Besides that, this is very good. Congratulations on your work!
~Ryuichi
This is a good start. I think it sounds a little abstract at the moment, and could perhaps do with being more specific - what, exactly, in terms of money, possessions, places, etc, does the person want? A scene from Gossip Girl springs to my mind when I read it; girls from the upper east side of Manhattan (I think), with expensive jewelry and designer clothes, lavish parties, etc. If this is the kind of thing, maybe you should say so directly. Or maybe you might mean it in a more metaphorical way - the riches of life; love, respect, education, etc. Whatever it is, you could say something more specific about it. I like that you said "that makes my mouth curve", when you could have just said "that makes me smile". Good job.
I rather like your poem. =) It makes me think, and that's what writing should do for the reader, make them think.
As far as a review, I didn't see a lot that I would change. You are right, however, it does sound a little amateur, but I feel like that kind of adds to it in away.
If that makes any sense.
Peace!