You don’t know how the sun sets,
You degrade and break your catch beyond dusk,
‘Till you’ve gotten your approval,
Enduring your pleasure as you rest;
Letting her trudge in the streets,
Never to see herself again.
Denial sounds a gunshot,
Less an ego to be put through;
Humiliation seems appeasing in your eyes;
You say she gave you only what you knew.
What will you earn from what you’ve done?
You let her skin crumble for long enough—
Finish her off like she was nothing,
But don’t forget to receive your blame.
To think one day could defeat norm,
In one way it stings too hard,
Too experienced to blend emotion—
So let me hold me against my own will.
And a thrust will shatter,
Not just the flesh—or so they say;
Demolish one thing after another
And think of it as just one sick trick.
In every way you’re caught,
Ignorant or abstaining your grief,
No matter how hard you try to laugh,
You won’t tend to think the things she thought.
Don’t prove to be brazen
From such a perilous feat.
You can’t hold a virgin with a single finger,
Let time tell until you become meek.
Until you’ve seen dawn turn to dusk,
And don’t hold yourself back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
Hmm...interesting stuff, but I think you could definitely "juice" it a little bit. Right now it's very stream-of-consciousness-ish, and reading such a poem becomes boring for a reader.
The best way to make sure you say the most in the smallest amount of space (because that's what poetry's all about!) is to set yourself a line limit and then cut what you have now down to there. Currently you have over thirty lines; going down to fifteen would be great; ten even better.
The double-spacing...or one-line stanzas, alternately...is getting on my nerves. It's very difficult to read a poem that has large gaps in between each and every line. Double-spacing is one of the less elegant features of Microsoft Word; don't use it for your poetry.
-Colleen
It was a very nice poem, but you seemed to be putting a bunch of fancy words in to cover up the confusion.
I really didn't get it at all. It was pretty, fancy, but it seemed like a decoration, not an actual poem.
The one thing I always look for with poems is imagery. And, though I saw plenty of pictures forming from the poem, they all jumbled together in a big mess- a confusing mess, like the poem (though of course the poem isn't necessarily a mess).
Also:
This line annoyed me a bit. First of all "Let time tell until you become meek" isn't even a correct sentence. I know, I know, having two "you's" around one word sort of throws the reader off. But you shouldn't have that problem at all, really.
It seems as if...the sentence doesn't fit. Maybe it's just me. Also, the use of "meek". It seems such a...sad and elementary word compared to the other words you have used. It also seems like you just plopped it there because it was the only thing you could think of.
Perhaps fool around with that line a bit? And perhaps some others as well. A poem isn't a story, true, but the lines should flow even more than a story's.
I hope I was helpful <3;
Emily
As i started reading, i could understand , then get confused, then understand. i liked it . it kept me guessing, you put emotion in there and at times i could feel it. i dont feel i can really critique this, i do think it is very abstract , kinda different, and unique.
i enjoyed reading it.
kim
Ah, okay okay. I deleted the preface; I didn't know. D: Sorry.
Well, I don't know. Maybe I made it too confusing to understand...I do that a lot. xD But thanks for the compliment.
... It's generally frowned upon to preface your work like this.
Well, I didn't fully "get" it, but it sounded good.
Is that good or bad?