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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Marco

by Marcolover69, Marco


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Summer: 1993

It was a warm summer night, Senpai Marco and i was walking through the forest, talking about how coosted Sensei Rosie is. He reminded me of the time Rosie ulted his buddies into the enemy's fountain, we both bursted out in laughter. Never in my life have I felt this comfortable talking to someone, he really do mean something to me.

He took my hand, i was shocked. Was this it? Are we going to take each others virginities? My heart starts to race. I look into his beautiful pink eyes, he looks at me with the most seductive stare i've ever seen. He opens his mouth " i got a penta with Jhin today"

Shit! I thought this was it. I reply with a "yay! Gz, want a bj?" He laught, he thought it was a joke.. Well, it's time to get moving. It's getting late.

I started to think about dirty things about Marco while we were walking. I remember when I walked in on him while he was in the shower, seeing that sexy booty. My heart starts to pound really hard. I feel how my pants start to tighten around my crotch. What is this, MY CHINCHIN IS HARD. This is so embarrassing!! What if he sees it?! I need to hide it!

I hold both my hands over my chinchin. Marco looks at me weird, he askes "Period cramps?" I didn't know what to say so i nodded. I started to blush.

He pointed at a log "shall we go and rest?" I nodded again. As soon as we sat down i felt a relief going through my body. It was too overwhelming, so i didn't notice that i let both my hands go! And there it was. My 5 cm of pride, i quickly tried to cover it but it was to late! My senpai had already seen it! I started to blush.. "nice boner" he said

WHAT?

"can i touch it?"

"ehmm.. okey.." i replied

I'm so nervous! What do i do?

I feel how he strokes it slowly. I don't know what's happening, my body.. it feels weird..

I suddenly get the urge to rip off his shirt and touch his big breasts. I want my sausage roll between them!

I rip off his top and starts to suck on his pepperoni sized nipples. He moans. I throw him on the ground and starts to take off my shorts. "I will show you a real struggle snuggle"

To be continued <3


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27 Reviews


Points: 2578
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Wed Jul 27, 2016 1:15 am
vincentvinniealonso wrote a review...



Hey. I'm here to give you a review.

I basically one hundred percent agree with what Chocolate said, I honestly couldn't have worded it better myself, but I do have some more stuff to add.

Summer: 1993


Sometimes it's best not to tell your readers what year it is, it's not that you can't, but sometimes personally I'd would have just made that clear through the context clues. Personal preference.

It was a warm summer night, Senpai Marco and i was walking through the forest, talking about how coosted Sensei Rosie is. He reminded me of the time Rosie ulted his buddies into the enemy's fountain, we both bursted out in laughter. Never in my life have I felt this comfortable talking to someone, he really do mean something to me.


So, right off the bat, I'll remind you of what Chocolate said: grammar and spelling is important, and the tenses are all messed up -- I mean, I'll try not to remind you too much of what you've already heard.

He took my hand, i was shocked. Was this it? Are we going to take each others virginities? My heart starts to race. I look into his beautiful pink eyes, he looks at me with the most seductive stare i've ever seen. He opens his mouth " i got a penta with Jhin today"


This was... odd. I mean, you wouldn't consider taking each other's virginity if you haven't kissed yet, right? I mean, because, that's just a whole jump from one thing to another.

I started to think about dirty things about Marco while we were walking. I remember when I walked in on him while he was in the shower, seeing that sexy booty. My heart starts to pound really hard. I feel how my pants start to tighten around my crotch. What is this, MY CHINCHIN IS HARD. This is so embarrassing!! What if he sees it?! I need to hide it!


Alright, I'll be absolutely honest, and please, for the life of me do not interpret this the wrong way. This is when I started to think that this was parody literature. For the fact that a) you refer to Marco as 'Senpai', there's a lot of generic anime tropes that are being used and the use of the word chinchin... I mean, I immediately thought Filthy Frank. Also the fact that this is categorized as 'spiritual' and 'culture'.

And, if this IS parody work, then my only question is: what is the joke? Parady or humorous literature has to... I mean, think about it this way, if you are going to make fun of anime tropes and such, then you have to make it more than just using said tropes.

Think about what the point of your writing is. Because that I got was: some people don't write very well and those bad things they write are heavily based on anime culture -- which we already knew and has been done so many times that the approach to it feels a bit... expected and done. It's not very original, and I don't actually have a problem with creating a cliche if the cliche is handled in an interesting way. Or AT LEAST give us something we haven't seen a BILLION times before.

If you're going to make fun of bad writing, a more clever approach would also be helpful. I'm actually pretty sure that this is meant to be bad since your username is 'MarcoLover69'. 69? Okay.

Again, for the last time, this kind of stuff can be funny, but this just felt like a poke at other bad stuff that you've read and didn't like.

I won't mention anything else since Cello has basically covered everything and I don't have much to say that won't sound redundant, except for the fact that I don't know what a "struggle snuggle" is.




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Wed Jul 27, 2016 12:45 am
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ChocolateCello wrote a review...



'Ello, it's Cello! Here to review on this lovely day.

Well... this was interesting for sure.

Let's go by sections.

It was a warm summer night, Senpai Marco and i was walking through the forest, talking about how coosted Sensei Rosie is. He reminded me of the time Rosie ulted his buddies into the enemy's fountain, we both bursted out in laughter. Never in my life have I felt this comfortable talking to someone, he really do mean something to me.


First, I'd simply like to advise you to read over your work. There are a lot of nonsense words here that are likely just typos, but I can't even come close to guessing what they were meant to be so I can't help you when it comes to correcting them.
I'd also like to advise you to keep an eye on tense. 'Do' should be 'does' (last sentence), 'have' should be 'had' (last sentence), and 'was' should be were' (first sentence).
Keep an eye on 'i's too. They need to be capitalized.

He took my hand, i was shocked. Was this it? Are we going to take each others virginities? My heart starts to race. I look into his beautiful pink eyes, he looks at me with the most seductive stare i've ever seen. He opens his mouth " i got a penta with Jhin today"


The first three sentences here are quite a dramatic progression. Tons of people hold hands and it takes little to no meaning. When someone hold your hand is that really the first thing you think? You hold hands so you're going to have sex? I hate to break it to you, but if that's your first thought when holding hands, you're going to get yourself into some very awkward situations in life.
Again, look at tenses. 'Starts' should be 'started', 'look' should be 'looked'.
Okay, I'm a bit lost with this whole 'pink eyes' thing. Pink eye is a sickness. It's not very sexy. Is Marco some sort of tv character? Anime maybe? Is that what I'm missing here? Is that why his eyes are pink?
The last line I under stand 0%. Is is typos? Is it references to a show again? I may never know! *Dramatic music playing* It's a little weird to read this part not knowing what it means. This guy gives a dramatic, seductive stare, then says something that doesn't sound seductive at all. Just look for typos, that's all I'm saying.
(If this is a tv show thing, I would suggest mentioning that in the description to make everyone's lives a bit easier.)

Shit! I thought this was it. I reply with a "yay! Gz, want a bj?" He laught, he thought it was a joke.. Well, it's time to get moving. It's getting late.


Again, typos.
Also, who is Gz? Is that short for Marco somehow? If so, this needs to be clarified.
Keep an eye on your punctuation and capitalization too. Don't use double periods. Capitalize the first letter of the first word in quotes.

I started to think about dirty things about Marco while we were walking. I remember when I walked in on him while he was in the shower, seeing that sexy booty. My heart starts to pound really hard. I feel how my pants start to tighten around my crotch. What is this, MY CHINCHIN IS HARD. This is so embarrassing!! What if he sees it?! I need to hide it!

Woah, you changed tenses completely here. You started the story in past, then slowly shifted to present. Keep it consistent, dude.
OKAY I JUST USED A MULTI LANGUAGE DICTIONARY AND EVERYTHING IS SO CLEAR TO ME NOW. A LOT OF THESE WORDS THAT DON'T SEEM TO BE WORDS ARE IN JAPANESE.
Okay, here's the thing. A fair majority of the American education system as limited people to learning Spanish and French. If you're going to use Japanese, I would suggest putting a little list of translations at the bottom of the work or at least noting somewhere that you're using Japanese phrases so people know what to google.
Again, on a more serious note, don't use double punctuation. If you're going to write smut, do it with proper grammar.
I hold both my hands over my chinchin. Marco looks at me weird, he askes "Period cramps?" I didn't know what to say so i nodded. I started to blush.


!!!TeNsEs!!!

Okay, so you're either a male or you're a female who has not experienced period cramps. They occur around the uterus, not the crotch, so they're felt more in the gut. If you're trying to joke that Marco is clueless then you might want to physically write that out because it's not coming across.

He pointed at a log "shall we go and rest?" I nodded again. As soon as we sat down i felt a relief going through my body. It was too overwhelming, so i didn't notice that i let both my hands go! And there it was. My 5 cm of pride, i quickly tried to cover it but it was to late! My senpai had already seen it! I started to blush.. "nice boner" he said


Let's slow down for a moment here. You know how big 5 centimeters is, right? It's like the length of the lime.
You're either
A) Struggling to convert lengths
B) Trying to do something mildly clever/funny
C) Bringing representation for the smaller than average 'chinchin' community
I would really be interested to know which one.
Okay, let me give you a little rule for quotes. If a quote is followed by a dialogue tag, you put a comma if you planned on using a period. ("I really like dogs," he said.) Not only should you remember that comma but remember to capitalize the first word in the spoke dialogue and to put a period when the sentence ends.
I'd also like to ask some questions about the characters' genders. They're not made very clear throughout the story. It would be good to specify.

WHAT?

"can i touch it?"

"ehmm.. okey.." i replied

I'm so nervous! What do i do?

I feel how he strokes it slowly. I don't know what's happening, my body.. it feels weird..



If you're going to use an ellipsis (...) it has to have three periods, no less, no more.
Again, TENSES! And keep those 'i's capitalized.
And remember the dialogue rules I mentioned! Those apply here too!

I suddenly get the urge to rip off his shirt and touch his big breasts. I want my sausage roll between them!

I rip off his top and starts to suck on his pepperoni sized nipples. He moans. I throw him on the ground and starts to take off my shorts. "I will show you a real struggle snuggle"

Is 'struggle snuggle' code for sex? What size pepperoni? Did we switch 'chinchin' to 'sausage roll' now? (It should be 'role', though.)
There are so many questions I could ask about these last paragraphs but these are the ones I've chosen to ask.

Okay, my final thought is just to tell you to try to specify things in your work. It gets confusing easily.

Keep it up!
-ChocolateCello





We always talk about the "doers" and "dreamers" but I'd like to give a big shoutout to the "tryers".
— Hannah Hart