Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
"Ah, a customer! Please, do come in!"
"You are Bert, renowned seller of fine weapons and collector of rocks?"
"I am! What have you come for? Armour, lovely and strong, real cheap! Or perhaps one of a degree of weapons- yes, you have! What did you have in mind?"
"I have come for a blade, but I haven't the foggiest what type."
"Take this, a shortsword. Quite balanced, made from the finest English steel. Forged by the great Dave!"
"I like the grip..."
"Of course you like the grip- but go on then! Give it a swing!"
"Now?"
"Would you like a written invitation?"
"Well... hrrah!"
"Sh-"
"Oh my word, I am so sorry!"
"Bloody hell! When I said swing it, I didn't mean attack me! Just dig it out of the wood."
"Yeah, I think it's not for me."
"Lemme take that off you before you run me through with it. Maybe... yeah. Take this, a falchion. Nice and thick for lopping off arms."
"Should I swing this one?"
"Wait, let me take cover."
"I can't see you, let alone hit you."
"Good. Now try."
"Hrrah!"
"...any injuries?"
"No."
"Right, let me get up. Like it?"
"No, yeah, feels weighty."
"No, yeah?"
"I like it."
"Fantastic! Would you like to pay now?"
"Right then... How much do I owe you?"
"Twenty gold pieces. Ta very much. I'm sure you'll create many a legend with that blade."
"You know you don't need a weapon to create a legend. My mate, Jeff, bards sing about him. He fought off a group of bandits with nothing but a huge rock."
"Boulderdash!"
"Are you trying to be funny?"
"What?"
"Never mind."
"Well, what do you plan to use that trusty falchion for?"
"Ahem... to... erm...behe..."
"I'm sorry? I didn't catch that last bit."
"Ahem...to behead...the king..."
"..."
"Yeah."
"Well, then. That settles it."
"Settles what?"
"You can't behead a king with a falchion! No finesse, no grace! You don't want to hack at his neck a bajillion times before you manage a convincing blow!"
"Wait... what?"
"No, no, no! Take your money back, and give the stupid thing here!"
"Erm... Ok then. No cries of treason from the rooftops?"
"Why would there be? Come, come! Take this, a fine rapier, the most graceful blade you can find!"
"God, no. Way too light. It feels like it'll bounce off His Majesty's neck."
"Ooh, I see what you mean. No, no- a meaty greatsword, heavy hitting, but very formidable."
"This is much nicer."
"You know what? Take it. Never liked the king anyway."
"Cheers mate!"
"Thank me later- now, go! Make the floor slick with blue blood!"
"Thank you!"
"Wait! Get back here, and get down!"
"Hang on- bit of a turn around, ain't it?"
"Get here!"
"Hurk! What was that for?"
"Because of this bit, now shut up! Ah, hello! A customer, and one with a veritable stash of gold! Please, come in!"
"Be quiet, you oaf! I am here to investigate allegations of deception at this here establishment!"
"Did you deceive me?"
"What?"
"I said I do not deceive ye!"
"Apparently. Well, I shall have to take you away for torture- I mean, questioning."
"Now? I have more customers!"
"NOW."
"If this is a deception, I swear..."
"Are you sure there's no-one else here?"
"No."
"As in not sure, or there is no-one?"
"What's the better answer?"
"You're hopeless."
"Ah-ha! There is someone else! Show yourself!"
"Why?"
"Because you need to leave- this trader is a conman!"
"No, I'm not! I am a professional!"
"The pros and cons are hard to tell apart."
"Now, please leave."
"Ok, let me get up. Oh, can I get my money back?"
"Take it from the conman, you should."
"Cheers."
"OW! Why'd ya punch me for?"
"You ripped me off!"
"You wanted a high class sword to kill the king, you got one!"
"So what does this guy mean about deceit?"
"Deceit? You think he is implying deceit with me selling weapons? Ha ha ha!"
"What am I missing?"
"Your head soon if you don't explain why you wanted to kill the king!"
"What?"
"You know, this must be very confusing if this were written down without any description."
"Which one's talking now?"
"I am! Bert!"
"Glad we solved that mystery."
"The deceit was because I got off paying taxes by pretending I had died!"
"How the fuck did you even manage that?"
"With a good colour-coded schedule."
"The other mystery is what you mean by killing the king."
"Well... I was talking about... a king crab!"
"This face is one of disappointment, old Berty's."
"Why?"
"Because Mr. Bert and I know king crabs don't live in England. I haven't even heard of one."
"Not heard of a king crab? Big buggers."
"Right, you and Bert are coming with me. We're going to have a lovely time chatting, while I extract your teeth..."
"Oh good. You know, I've got a rotten molar- jusk back derr, shee?"
"I'll get around to it..."
"Ta very much."
"...once I've done the front ones."
"Ouch, Bert. Bet that'll hurt."
"Stop rhyming my name!"
"Right, come on then, criminal scum!"
"Bert, the Bold, was really quite old, past it, a goner, and dead meat!"
"Shut up!"
"I'll stick you with my sword! Wait, the writer forgot to take it off me- oh, wait, he's remembered."
"Good job! We could have used it to escape!"
"I didn't think about it..."
"SHUT UP!"
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
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140,930 Literary Works • 673,753 Reviews
I'm still laughing. That was good and hilarious. Very fun to read that dialogue exercise! It was funny, furious, and fast paced.
I especially liked the end, when you broke the fourth wall, I swear I was rolling on the floor.
Good job!
Hello MarbleToast!
The foggiest idea what type?I found this absolutely hilarious! Quite comedic, especially the end, and the part about the rotten molar. But if was the customer, I would have used the fact that they were bringing us closer to the palace in order to rrm "question" us, I would then find a way to escape, go and behead the king. Unless the architect already thought of that and made the prison somewhere else. Anyway, I found a couple of errors.
For this, I haven't the foggiest idea what you mean.
Otherwise, great job! You may see me again, and yet, you may not.
~Kelpies.
Ta is slang for thanks, and also, "I haven't the foggiest" can still be okay, but more informally. I didn't want to stretch it out, as well, as it was just for fun.
Thanks for the review, as well, because all the tips really help.
Ta is slang for thanks, and also, "I haven't the foggiest" can still be okay, but more informally. I didn't want to stretch it out, as well, as it was just for fun.
Thanks for the review, as well, because all the tips really help.
Ta for making that clear! XD
Loved it. True, to be fair, it really needs to be done script format, which would make it quite a lot clearer, but that might ruin some of the jokes. I am suitably impressed by your semi-reasonable knowledge on weapons, because usually with fantasy sort of stories I review I have the fun job of reading through and correcting everyone from generic swords. It's a lot funner with different weapons.
What I really liked though were the titles and names. No-one in a fantasy setting has a name like Burt. Except perhaps my storybook character called Kevin. And collector of rocks is such an esteemed title as well! Really was quite impressive.
One this note I leave you but this truly was an excellent piece.
Yours in reviewing,
The Fiend.
I was thinking about putting it in script form, but that seemed too... clinical for the silliness.
WHAT in the world did I just read???
Okay so this uh... Story was really interesting. It's taking place in the past, there is a conversation between two men about a weapon that will be used to behead this unnamed king, that's pretty straight forward. Aaand then this third man comes along and it's difficult to figure out who's talking and who's talking to who. I was really upset about this, until I realized but the use of this lines:
"Which one's talking now?"
"I am! Bert!"
You really got me there. It's been a while since I've read a story where the characters realized that they're in a story. This was a fun read, albeit a bit long, but that doesn't matter. I didn't really laugh, but that doesn't mean the story failed. It did it's job by providing some humorous circumstances and such, and that, I applaud you for.
~The dark one.
This was really good in the beginning. I could follow it easily with no description, and it worked quite well. But then you introduced a third character, and BAM. Confusion everywhere.
I see that you tried to clear up this confusion with "Which one's talking now?" "I am! Bert!" Which would be really helpful, except you only mentioned Bert's name once before. Something that you mention once that doesn't add to the story at the time is unlikely to be remembered. I certainly didn't remember it. I also think it would be helpful if you gave all of them names, because that is a good technique. By the end, it started to make more sense though.
I also really like your use of breaking the fourth wall, because it makes your story funnier. However, with "I'll stick you with my sword! Wait, the writer forgot to take it off me- oh, wait, he's remembered," you used it as a HUGE part of the story, which is sort of a writer's cheat. You have to still obey by the rules of your story. If you want to make it possible for swords to disappear in thin air, that's fine, but establish that previously (I wouldn't recommend it though). Otherwise, find some way around it. You (the writer) could run in and take the sword, or wave a magic pen and make it vanish. But you have to tell us.
This was a really funny story, and I definitely enjoyed reading it.
Hope this helped! (I'm not on a review day team or anything, just... reviewing. Hmm... maybe I could be team Astronaut? I could totally win with only one person on my team...)
10 points to Team Astronaut!
Yeah, this one was something I wasn't taking seriously, but thanks for the tips. It'll help in the future.
Welcome